Category: A10 — AMMULU STORIES AND OTHER FUN FOUNTAINS

‘I’m outspoken and you know that. We two have no space in this house, Ammalu. Either you or me has to get out. Decide who?’

‘You, obviously, SP’

‘Why, pray, mademoiselle?’

‘You ask me to decide and I decide that you should happily go and find a place where you have space. I have enough space here and I will continue to stay. I’m not outgrowing like you hourly’

---

Beauty lies in the eyes which see, they say. Do you think I should go for an eye check up to see beauty in you?’

‘No need. Wait till evening. No tea for you today. And if you don’t see beauty not only in me but in everything around me, then you can consult the eye specialist’

---

 

‘Ammalu, all said and done, Ammini shines in Kerala sari’

‘Yes, she needs a sari or blouse to shine. Poor thing’

---

 

‘Ammalu, I don’t think you dispute my claim that I’m the head of our family’

‘No’

‘I don’t think you dispute the fact that being the head of the family my decisions are final in this house, Ammalu?’

‘No’

‘Ok. My purpose is served. You may go now’

‘Go where? You are asking me to go out of my house?’

‘Your house? But, just now you agreed that I’m the head of the family’

‘I did. But, that doesn’t mean that this house is yours. You are only the head. A part of the whole, not the whole. As a head. You sit on the top and I do the rest. I’m the rest, your hands, legs, the whole body. You can’t even scratch when it itches. I do that. The head can’t scratch the head!The head can’t comb it’s hair! The hands have to do it. And most important thing, as your hand, I cook for you, I feed you; I give you water to drink. As your legs I walk for you, you follow; follow simply’

‘Ha, ha, Ammalu, your real colour is out. Head is the storehouse of intellect. . Direction flow from it. I decide what to do and you do it. Even an elementary school kid knows this basic thing. And I have to teach this to you! Pity’

‘Ok, let the orders keep flowing. I’m going to my mom’s house’

‘What about the onion pakoda you were making, for evening tea?’

‘That too goes with me. You have been all these years eating my head. Now eat yours. Good bye’

‘Ammalu, this is your house. You are A to Z here. Is there any word beyond Z? You are that too’

‘Your onion pakoda will be on your table in two minutes’

‘Thanks a lot. I would love to eat from your hand’

‘You, greedy oldie! You are back to your form. Sorry. Eat with your head

 

---

 

‘Ammalu, of late, do you find any shakes in my body?’

‘No’

‘Any jerks in my mind’

‘No’

‘So, you can watch my mind too! Wonderful woman. Wonder why God made you my wife’

‘To remove your shakes and jerks’

‘But you said those are not there!’

‘Not now. But, the moment a mildly scented wind passes through our gate, your mind will jerk and your body will start shaking. At that time, You need my help, to prevent the total collapse of mind and body’

‘Ammalu, I’m not a child’

‘That exactly is my problem. If you were one, I would have twisted your ears and changed their shape, ending for ever the possibility of any shakes, jerks, cracks or breaks ‘

 

Ammalu, why don’t I take you for a mesmerizing tour?’

‘Why not! It is my dream to visit Europe and Switzerland’

‘My dream was to take you to Malampuzha dam’

‘Ok. Will you buy inchi mittai, ginger toffee for four annas, if I come with you?’

---

 

‘Ammalu, every old man is excited while mentioning about his grandchildren but not about his wife. Why so?’

‘I’m not worried about others. My concern is only you and you always get excited about me . And that is enough for me’

‘Me, Ammalu, me? Never’

‘From morning to evening two hundred times you call my name.
What else does a wife ask for? Twenty to thirty times a day, you are in the kitchen under some pretext or other. What else does a wife ask for? On your own you can’t pick up a tumbler of water or talk to a guest without my help. What else does a wife ask for?
Enough of your senseless talk. Go and be in your easy chair. Your mirchi bajji and hot tea are getting ready’

—————-

Ammalu, I’m so happy that you told your friend that you have complete belief in my honesty, absolute faith in my integrity and unshakeable trust in my unalloyed character’

‘Thank you. What I told her was truth and nothing but truth. I also told her that you are my most precious possession in this world’

‘Oh, you said that? I didn’t hear. I’m proud of you Ammalu. You can go wherever you want to and come home leisurely’

‘Thank you’

‘What are you searching for ?’

‘Lock and key’

‘Going to lock me inside? Are you scared that I will go out alone and do some mischief?’

‘Never. Just for the safety of my most precious possession in this world’

---

‘Ammalu assal Tamizhilea oru pattu pAdu- sing a song in pure Tamiz, please!’

“‘YesunAdar pesinAl avar enna pesuvaar?’

‘Stop it. What song is this, Ammalu?’

‘The same song which our servant maid Mariyam sang yesterday after converting to Christianity, which earned your praise thar she was singing like Vasanthakokilam’

‘I should not have asked you to sing’

‘No harm, but that assal Tamiz was unnecessary’

‘You are an assal cranky wife!’

‘This assal is fine. That explains why I married you!’

---

 

Ammalu, do I really look my age?’

‘Eighty years younger !’

‘What do you mean, I’m more than eighty now?’

‘Ok. Seventy years younger’

‘Ammalu, be serious. Tell me honestly, how old do I look?’

‘For me you don’t look old at all. You look like an idiotic youngster thrown out by every girl whom you admired, aspired for, attempted to own and ultimately gave up trying and then eager to learn whether I like you or not. Am I right?’

‘Almost ‘

‘Almost ?’

‘Yes, the last part is not correct. I know you like me!’

‘Thank you. You look your age.’

---

Ammalu, we are not street walking lovers, remember. I don’t like you holding my hand while going out. Feel ashamed’

‘If I don’t hold your hand, you will slip and fall. I too would prefer to hold Appukuttan’s hand instead of yours’

‘Who is that rascal?’

‘Some X, Y or Z. Anyone who won’t scold me after saving him from a fall’

---

‘Ammalu, this year Onam, we should celebrate in a big scale, as I’m back to India after a long time. What about gifting Kerala saris to all your friends?’

‘Yes, if their husbands can’t afford to buy for them’

‘Ammalu, why do you suspect every good act of mine? Am I such a weak minded man?’

‘Not at all. I have my own weak mind when it comes to other women, saris , Onam and you’

———————

 

 

‘Ammalu, I’m less angry with your idiotic illiteracy, irritating orthodoxy and irredeemable ignorance than with your illegitimate proud’

‘SP, talk in English, please!’

---

‘Dear? You call me dear? Am I your boy friend? What do you think about yourself, Ammalu?’

‘I never said ‘dear’. I said, ‘wear’ your shirt. Then, I asked, ‘ can you hear me?’. Why should I call you ‘dear’?’

‘Yes, I remember now. Why did you say, ‘hear, hear’ twice?’

‘That was when you called me ‘dear!’

———————–

‘How is your nine yards Naradar, Ammalu?’

‘Evaru, Pathideva? Who is that, my Lord?’

‘Who else? Your mom, who goes around and tell everyone in the colony that I’m your new chef’

‘What is wrong in that SP? When situation demands a husband should become a nurse, doctor, mother and master, cook and cooli to his wife?’

‘Wife too’

‘Wife is always’

---

‘For the past one week, I have been toiling in the kitchen and realize how difficult a task you have been carrying on, for so many years, Ammalu. Had I known this earlier, I would have married not one more but a dozen women to ease your work’ .

‘Even now it is not late. Marry a dozen or two and cook for all of us now that you have gained experience and knowledge’

---

 

‘Ammalu, I’m not ashamed to reveal a few top secrets of my young days’

‘I thought that you have already revealed every secret to me of your young as well as old days. If still some are left, keep those for tomorrow. Go to sleep now’

‘You are afraid that your sleep will be spoiled?’

‘Not at all. I’m worried that I may be tempted to tell you some top secrets of my young days😇’

---

‘Wise husbands should keep a reasonably fair distance from their wives after a certain age. What say Ammalu?’

‘Yes, except when they are hungry’

‘Hungry of what?’

‘I expect you to know that better?’

‘Why, Ammalu?’

‘Because you are a wise husband!’

---

‘Ammalu, imagine a situation where a woman comes and claims that she was my wife before I married you. Will you fight with her or file a suit or call your mother for help?’

‘None of the above. ‘I will address her as ‘akka! ( elder sister) and ask her, ‘shall we three pack off to your house?’.

---

You have any objection Ammalu, if I’m elected as the Secretary of the Harassed husbands’ Association?’

‘Why should I? I will be proud of you’

‘Will you object if we organize a darna and fasting before our house?’

‘Why should I? I will supply all volunteers with hot tea r cold sambaram as per their choice’

‘Oh, Ammalu, if all women are like you, why should we, husbands work against you. We are not harassed husbands; we are blessed ones. I’m withdrawing my candidature’

‘Don’t do that. We have already formed an association for, ‘Blessed wives’. You should feel the heat of Streesakthi’, as the leader of our opposite group’

‘Ammalu, heat? Am I not already suffering from that?’

---

 

In one way, it was good that I married you, Ammalu’

‘That was the only way, for you, SP’

---

Why are you laughing all alone ? Why don’t you share with me your happiness?’

‘A small thought, Ammalu. I was imagining how you would appear in a sleeveless blouse!’

‘Thank god, it is only sleeveless blouse. I expected something worse, when you laughed sitting all alone !’

---

‘Ammalu, remember one thing. In the heart of my heart, I have place only for one woman and that is you’

‘I know that’

‘Then, what is your worry?’

‘About those outside the heart of heart!’

---

 

A stylish wife has a charm of her own’

‘Charm for whom, for you or others?’

‘For others? Have you gone mad, to think about others?’

‘Not mad; gone stylish!’

‘Damn with your dirty style, Ammalu. Remain old fashioned so that you remain with me’

‘Thanks SP. I’m with you, with or without style, always’

‘Without style please; I beg’

---

‘Whenever I sit before the deities in our pooja and close my eyes on meditation, it is your figure that comes up in the mirror of mind, Ammalu. What do I do?’.

‘You can do two things : either don’t sit or don’t close your eyes’

‘Ammalu, what an unromantic woman are you? I expected you to come and hug me when I mentioned about your appearance in my mind’s mirror ‘

‘One more suggestion. I will clean the mirror before you close your eyes’

‘Krishna, Krishna save me from this stupid woman with no streak of poetry in her ‘

---

 

My best poetry is yet to come out of me, Ammalu; my best wife is yet to come inside this house’

‘Least worried about both’

‘Surprised! Not worried about the latter?’

‘Why should I, SP? Let her come and give you and me an oil bath. I’m looking for someone for that job!’

---

 

 

 

 

 

‘I have a great ancestry and you should realize that, Ammalu!

‘I do. But I’m more concerned about your existery’

‘Error. There is no such a word in English’

‘You go to eatery for food when I’m unwell?’

‘Yes, I do. That’s is for my existence’

‘If laundry is for washing clothes, eatery is to supply food, why not existery for existence?’

‘Ammalu, you talk like utterly unlettered, but utmost arrogant ancestors of mine’

‘Thank you, SP’

---

‘Ammalu, prepare SemiapAyasam to celebrate my victory. An old girl friend of mine, a really old friend of mine, is coming home today . See how girls admire me even after decades!’

‘Your old, really old friend, who would have been your playmate in Pavadai, who would slapped on your cheeks, is most welcome’

---

Ammalu, between the couple, who is above and who is below, is not an issue at all. Who is right and who is wrong is the only issue. I’m always right and you are always wrong’

‘Oh, thar might be the reason why you keep mum whenever I shout at you and I do that often’

---

“Ammalu, when the age mounts, memory slips down. So, in case I forget your name, don’t be angry with me. I may call you, Ammini, Paru, Parukutty or KalyAni, but please respond”

“Forget anything, call me by any name, I don’t mind. But never forget to hand over your monthly Pension to me so that I don’t forget to cook food for you”

“Cook for you and me. Right?”

“No, only for you”

“Then, what will I do?”

“You can go to Ammini or Kummini. Why should why worry about you?”

“They are only my friends”

“But you remember only their names and not mine”

“Ammalu, you are my wife!”

“How do I know? I don’t remember”

“How can you say that? Like a bee on an elephant’s head, you were sitting on your father’s lap, when I tied the knot and immediately, your mother who was moving around with a bundle of currency notes in hand suddenly vanished. Do’n t you remember?’

“I don’t remember”

“Holding your hand I came out and showed you the Arundathy star in the sky when you quipped, ‘so, you have already started your lie serials with me? There is no star in the sky”

“That, I remember

---

“Ammalu, what was the senior 9- yards searching in my room early morning?”

“Might be her dentures, not sure.”

“Her dentures, why in my room?”

“It is just my assumption. Last night she was yelling at you, while you were talking to Pattu and her forceful voice would have catapulted her dentures to your room”

“Did she scream at me? I didn’t hear”

“Oh, you didn’t have your hearing aid on. I saw it in her room, this morning”

“But, how did my hearing aid reach S9Y ‘s room?”

“You were blinking at your friend’s face as if you were seeing her for the first time. So, I pinched your ear and in my force, your hearing aid would have catapulted to her room”

“Ammalu, was it not Pattabhi who sat opposite to me in the lunch table last night?”

“OMG, your spectacles too would have catapulted somewhere”

“Seems to be the season of catapulting!”

“Not unusual for your age. As long as you don’t catapult, I’m happy”

---

 

‘Pardon my frankness Ammalu. You are not my cup of tea’

‘How does it affect me as long as you like the tea, coffee, idli and dosa made by me?’

 

 

‘Ammalu, It is delightful to watch Subbu couple walking to the temple, rubbing shoulders. I envy them’

‘No need. We may also be walking like them if our hands refuse to rise when the shoulder itches’

‘So, Ammalu, it is not the love that made them to walk like that?’

‘No, itching!’

‘Itching is more important than love?’

‘More nuisance’

‘Than wife?’

‘SP, your itching started. Come on, let us walk like Subbu couple’

---

 

Ammalu, I don’t like the way that pAvi ( sinner) Pattabhi looks at you’

‘He is not looking at me; he is looking at you, SP’

‘Pray, why?’

‘Because you are looking at his wife, Pattu’

‘Identical squint -eye hazard, I think, Ammalu’

‘No, identical age hazard’

————————-

‘Allow me to exercise my constitutional authority over you, as a husband, Ammalu’

‘I’m the constitution and also the authority in my house, SP’

‘In your house?’

‘If not, why you seek permission?’

---

 

It is not the age that matters, Ammalu, but the ability to keep one’s wife under his control. She should shiver at the very sight of her husband, as you are, now’

‘True, I shiver before a fearsome husband. But, why are you shivering, SP? You too afraid of me?’

‘Never. It is only the age’

———————–

‘Enough of this slavery under you. Going to Kashi for sanyas. Not a minute more here, Ammalu. Enough is enough with you. Get me a pair of ocher clothes’

‘Both are already there on the right corner of the bottom shelf in your cupboard’

‘So, you were ever -ready to pack me off? I see. What is the second one, you have kept ready for my sanyas? Cash for train ticket?’

‘No. Duplicate key of our house. I will be going to my mom,
in the evening’

---

‘Ammalu, do you admit, in clear mind and full knowledge of facts that I’m your husband and you are my wife?’

‘To the best of my knowledge you are my husband’

‘And you, my wife?’

‘Yes. And if your mind is not clear about this matter and if you have courage, ask any of your women friends to claim my position’

---

‘Ammalu, I’m a precious commodity, much in demand. If any woman who happened to be with me in a bus or train, purely for fun, clicked a selfie with me and posted in her FB page, how am I responsible ?’

‘I know it was for fun, it was Kamakshy’s mischief and you are not responsible. That was why I commented:
‘The product yours. Cost free. Delivery free. No provision to return’

---

Ammalu, I’m prepared to go to any extend to serve you, satisfy you. Shall I jump into burning fire or roaring ocean?’

‘Neither. Cut these vegetables, wash and keep on the kitchen table’

—————————-

 

Sent from my iPad

‘Ammalu, my friends say they find their wives more charming now. What could be the reason?’

‘A side effect of aging’

‘That means my age remains still?’

‘No. Your mind’

---

‘Pushpa is a nice name, Ammalu’

‘Yes, shall I change my name to Pushpa or deliver you a baby for you to give that name’

‘Deepa, Remya, Silpa, are also good names’

‘Sorry, SP. maximum twins at a time, in one year. it is time-barred for me and to you too, but still in your interest, I shall give a trial’

---

 

Ammalu, man doesn’t go mad till he gets married ‘

‘Because, he starts thinking others wives are angels and his wife is human’

 

---

 

‘Pappa, Pappa, why are you cross with mom always’

‘She says I’m good for nothing’

‘Aren’t you my Pappa?’

‘Yes, of course’

‘Then, don’ t worry. I ‘ll tell mom that I’m something’

———————–