Category: A10 — AMMULU STORIES AND OTHER FUN FOUNTAINS

  • Waiting for the confirmation

    On the eve of the wedding of my friend’s daughter, I was having the first taste of selected dishes in the kitchen.

    A man with a serious look and sharp nose came in and enquired,
    ‘who is in charge of the kitchen management here?’

    ‘Me, Sir!’, I submitted, ‘who else, when I’m available?’

    The cooks busy in their work were not bothered about my tall claim.

    ‘Are you related to the bride’s father?’, he enquired.

    ‘No, I am the coach for the bridegroom’

    ‘What do you coach him?’, he asked sarcastically, ‘to roll coconut for nelanku?’

    ‘No. I have undertaken the task of training him in cooking so that his wife could relax’

    ‘You know to whom you are talking to?’, he asked, anger and arrogance floating on his face.

    ‘I have a fair idea, but not very sure. Are you the head cook in the boy’s father’s hotel?’

    ‘No, I’m the boy’s father’

    ‘So, your son was lying’

    ‘Never. He is my son’

    ‘Thank you. That was what I wanted to hear’

    ‘Why?’

    ‘Your son told me that his father is scolded by his mother everyday for not knowing cooking and that was why he came to me for training’

  • Young and pretty and other stories

    Ammalu, you are young, you are pretty’

    ‘I’m not young, but I’m pretty’

    ‘Please give me a thousand bucks, but don’t debit to my accounts’

    ‘I’m not giving you a paisa but thousand bucks already debited to your account’

    ‘How Ammalu? Under what rule?

    ”You are young, you are pretty’ rule. Your asking was as good as my giving you’


    Ammalu, an amazing news! Our sweet niece Anku had a dream of me, in the form of Mahavishnu holding Samku, chakram, gadha, Padamam. Now, you are worried in what form I will appear in your dream?’

    ‘Not at all. It cant’t be worse than the forms you take, before me, while awake’


    Ammalu, why don’t we pay a surprise visit to your mom and ask for a donation for our temple fund?’

    ‘You expect your mother to trust you when you say that you will construct a temple from her donation?’

    ‘For your mom I’m honesty in human form’

    ‘Ok. Then, go to the barber shop, get rid of the forest on your head. You made a surprise visit to her last evening when your shirt pocket developed a surprise hole and borrowed some cash, remember?’


     

    Ammalu, are you unhappy that you are not as good looking as I’m ?’

    ‘No.’

    ‘Why, Amnalu?’

    ‘Are you unhappy that you are not as smart, as intelligent and as efficient as I’m?’


    Ammalu, how is it that everyone knows you in the FB, though you are no where near it?’

    ‘Simple. I’m your breathe’

    ‘How are you sure about it? It could be another woman’

    ‘No way. I won’t allow another woman near you as long as you breathe through the designed openings’

  • An old age curse and other stories

    ‘An old age curse.  Forgetting names. Your name, please, If you don’t mind’

    ‘Call me by any name you like, Ammini, KalyAni, Paru, Pattu’

    ‘But they are not your names’

    ‘So, you know whose names are those?’

    ‘Yes, of course’

    ‘And you won’t call me by those names?’

    ‘No’

    ‘That would do. You need not know my name’

    ‘A husband should know his wife’s name’

    ‘Why should he? He gets his food in time. Gets his clothes washed and pressed in time. He gets all his wants attended to in time. What’s in a name? ‘

    ‘Shakespeare said that’

    ‘Your memory power is mesmerizing. Call me by my name if you want evening tea. Today’s special is ribbon pakoda’

    ‘Ammalu, Ammalu, Ammalu, even in my dreams I see only banners and placards with your name written in bold letters’


    Ammalu, mutual trust, that is the key. We can trust each other, trust fully and live happily’

    ‘Funny!’

    ‘What is funny about it?’

    ‘Even without your key, I’m living a happy life . Keep the key with you only’

    ‘Good, that means you trust me fully, completely, unquestionably. Right, Ammalu, dear?’

    ‘No, I don’t trust you a bit, still I’m happy. What we both need now, is rest and not trust. I’m getting it enough. You too, please have it’

    ‘So, that is the key?’

    ‘ I don’t know whether it is a key or lock. Rest is rest, as simple as that. Good night. See you tomorrow’


     

    ‘Have you heard of a bride coming to her husband’s house with just a rupee in her pocket, Ammalu?’

    ‘Impossible’

    ‘ Impossible ? If I show that woman right now? What will you give me?’

    ‘Have you gone out of your senses, SP? Were I wearing jeans with pocket and T shirt when I came along with you? Only your shirt had a pocket and you would have kept the bus fare which my mom gave you, in your pocket and made me to walk. Confusion correctly gives out your age’


     

    ‘Ammalu, the bank statement for the correct month shows that you have drawn twenty rupees extra . For what?’

    ‘For buying chewing gum’

    ‘Chewing gum! For what?’

    ‘To time pass when you give big talks on your works and wits, girl friends and world tours’


    Madam, you seems to be a stranger here. I’m not a sanyasi but you will realize, that I’m more than a sanyasi, if you move closely with me’

    ‘How closely?’

    ‘Sorry madam, you are not a stranger here. You are Ammalu’s close friend. Good bye till we meet again?’

    ‘When are we meeting again?’

    ‘Leave me madam, please. I have an urgent call’

    ‘How urgent?’

    ‘I can’t tell you that. It is very urgent’

    ‘Go ahead. See that board to your right’


    A woman who was not intelligent at 9, will never be intelligent at 69′ Ammalu.’

    ‘True. At 9, I was not intelligent; married you. Even after living with you for 60 years, I could not gain a grain of wisdom from you!’

    ‘Wah, ‘gain’ and ‘grain, rhyme’

    ”Thank you. So, my years were not mere waste. I gained not a single grain but ears of grain’

    ‘Boring Ammalu. I admit you are intelligent’


    We are not kids. We are grown up. Remember that always, Ammalu. Tell you mom too’

    ‘I shall remember but no need to tell mom. She knows that already. An hour ago she called, asking me, ‘ your old man there?’

    ‘She thinks I’m old and she is a kid?’

    ‘You are right’

     

     

     

     

  • Age difference

    Ammalu, what will be our age difference, approximately?’

    ‘Why approximately? I will give you the correct figure. I’m older to you by 20 years’

    ‘It can’t be 20. May be in the first digits only. 7,8,9?’

    ‘Certainly not. I Remember my mom packing a dozen baby feeding bottles while seeing me off with you’

    ‘I just wanted to remind you that I look much younger than you, but you treat me like a child. Child- like, am I, Ammalu?.

    ‘Childish’


    Ammalu, read this news item. To commemorate the completion of two years in power, Modiji is bringing a law permitting a husband to have another wife , if he finds it necessary’

    ‘Do you find it necessary to have another woman?’

    ‘Ammalu, me? Kidding Ammalu? I’m extremely happy with you, extremely’

    ‘The new law doesn’t talk about happiness. Necessity is the criteria. Do you find it necessary to have another woman?’

    ‘Ammalu, me? No’

    ‘Yes, you have a necessity. I’m not able to lift you up, when you sit on the floor for your pooja. I shall look for a woman with strong muscles so that she can handle you alone if necessary, when I go out. Thanks Modiji for the new law.
    Or do you want me to wait for one more year? Who knows that for the third anniversary celebration, the quota may go up to three?’


    Ammalu, tell your mom that it was not she but my dear, dear mother who gave me birth. Of late, her blotted ego makes her to believe and behave as if she is my genetic mother’

    ‘Damn ego! Where did it go before our wedding? I would have been your younger sister and my task would have been much easier’

  • Ammalu is always right

    Ammalu, a friendly advice. We should not fight when guests are there at home or when we go out together. I’m worried as it brings a bad name for you and you alone as people know me as a honorable gentleman ‘

    ‘I too know you as a honorable gentleman. And I know something more about you. In fact, many things more about you. So, fight is inevitable’


    ‘Ammalu, I don’t want you to prostrate before me or address me, ‘Nathaa’ imitating wives of the good old golden days, though that would be ideal. I want you to follow just ten yards behind me, when we turn the corner leading to your mom’s house’

    ‘For what?’

    ‘For her to know that I lead you and not otherwise’

    ‘Ha, ha, SP, she knew who leads whom literally and metaphorically (to use your words), within ten minutes after our wedding. ‘Keep it up, keep it up, child,’ she encouraged me, then’

    ‘Twice she said so?’

    ‘Thrice in fact. The pipers and drummers suppressed the third time exhort’

    —————————

    Rolling up my sleeves, I can tell you Ammalu, without a stick in hand, I can remove your rolled up ego and roll it down like a cascade from a high hill, in no time’

    ‘Sorry to say SP, you are not actually rocking; only rolling!’


    Ammalu, calling from the Orlando airport, just to clear a small doubt. It may not be a very civilized way of asking, but if you won’t mistake me, how will your mom look in a military uniform?’

    ‘She is top to toe a highly civilized person. So, I don’t know how she will look in a military uniform. But, I’m sure that in any dress, she can control uncivilized elements, whether in Olavakkode or Orlando. Happy journey. Call from New Jersey, to clear the next doubt’


    ‘Ammalu, if I shout at you it is simply because I’m your husband’

    ‘SP, if I don’t scold you it is not because I’m your wife. It is because, I don’t want to waste my energy, which I can use for better things like making hot, hot iddlies or dosas or vadas or oothappams for you ‘

    ———————

     

     

     

     

  • Ammalu is always right

     

    Pattu says I don’t look more than 55. Do I look more than 45, Ammalu?

    ‘No’

    ‘Your ‘no’ is not emphatic. I can walk before you and show my agility’

    ‘No need. Anyway, if you want to walk, hold my hand to get up from the sofa’

    ‘Oh, that is too emphatic, Ammalu’
    ————————-
    ‘Ammalu, as your husband, it is my right to ask you to sit or stand’

    ‘Along with right, you should have the might too, to lift me up, if I’m not able to getup on my own’
    —————————
    Will that night ever come for me when I will slide into sleep my Ammlu singing the lullaby ‘Omanathingal kidavo?’

    ‘No, it won’t. Lullabies are for babies, not for oldies’

    ‘You didn’t read my latest story, ‘infancy returns for me’ ?

    ‘No’

    ‘Have you ever read my stories?’

    ‘Yes, once. And went crazy for three months’

    ‘Have you ever heard that famous lullaby?’

    ‘In my previous birth, in the royal household of Yesodha , along with other Gopies I used to sing that lullaby’

    ‘Really! I didn’t know about that poorva Janma contacts with the Devine child?’

    ‘How else would I have earned you as my hubby in this Janma?’

    ‘Oh, Ammalu, i’am honored, elated, excited! And that word ‘earned’ is equal to a hundred lullabies. Feeling sleepy.’

    ‘Goodnight SP’
    ———————–

  • Our children are smart, but we are not bad

    Oldies are funny, many of them. They want their children to grow fast and become self dependent, but when they become that, they don’t like it.

    ‘Where to?’ Enquired Seshu, when his son was leaving home.

    ‘Dad, if I tell you the truth, you will be angry with me. If I don’t tell you the truth, she will be angry with me’

    ‘She? Who is that?’

    ‘My girl friend to meet whom I’m going’

    ‘Is she from some ashram in the Himalayas?’

    ‘No dad. She is modern, from my office’

    ‘Go ahead’

    ‘Thank you dad. Should I take your permission every time I go out?’

    ‘No need, if you go out every time only to meet that girl and no other ‘

    Our children are smart, but we are not bad!

  • Like LKG kids they went one behind the other

    Ammalu, I believe in telling my opinion ‘phat’ at the face of anyone, without bothering about their reaction, wife or her mother or even God or Goddess’

    ‘Not a bad idea’

    ‘So, you understood?’

    ‘Yes, of course’

    ‘Tell others too’

    ‘My mom knows already. To the’Now, Ammalu, you are telling me ‘phat’!’


     

    ‘I was in a serious literary discussion with the countries top men in art and literature . What was the emergency for you to call me, Ammalu?’

    ‘Help me to remove the ribs of these curry leaves, please. I have a cut in a finger’


     

    Even a stranger, met casually in a market place or a bus stand, may remember us when we meet again and flash a smile. Some, who are close to us, may not even do that, for whatever be the reason. Some couple too behave like that after a quarrel.

    Seshu couple had a petty quarrel. ‘Did you see my dentures?’, he asked his wife. The old lady, instead of saying, ‘it is inside your mouth’, looked at the ceiling, then picked a broomstick and swept the floor!. We have a phrase for that in Malayalam. ‘Chanthayil kanda parichayam polum Illa’

    Last night, when my son in law Vuday brought me from the Orlando airport, it was 10.00. My grandchildren Raaghav and Divyaa were waiting for me. Little Dhruv too was awake but he never showed any expression of having ever met me! I was, simply, a non entity for him. He continued to be busy with his playing!

    ( file photo with Dhruv, clicked when he came to Baltimore, last year)

    Now, coming back to the old couple, Seshu pretended as if he was angry and asked his wife, ‘Vaayilae enna kozhakkattyai thirigi irukkayo?
    Have you pushed a Modakam inside your mouth?’

    The honey suddenly remembers about the Murukku, her neighbor brought. She tells him (forgetting her vow that she would never talk trim for ‘another hundred years’),’Meenakshi brought exactly two murukkus . Maha kanchoos she is. Could have brought a few more. But how will you eat? You have no teeth!’

    Ignoring her teasing, he asked,’ are you blind? Can’t you see my strong and shining teeth?’
    ‘So, you knew that your teeth were inside your mouth and not inside my sari knot’. And continued, ‘that ‘anda puluku, aakaasa pulugu, (talkative bluffer SP mama lost a dozen teeth and claims that those fell on their own? Have you ever heard teeth falling down on their own, like hairs?. My suspicion is that Ammalu manni would have thrashed him’

    ‘Ammalu may thrash your teeth but not SP’s. Unlike you, she treats her husband like a god in human form’

    ‘In human form ? Only his form is human. I don’t like the way he stares at women?’

    ‘Ok. Go and get the murukku’

    Like LKG kids, forgetting the fight, they go, one behind the other.

    —————

  • Age difference

    ‘Ammalu, I bought this meeta pan for you, for the Mother’s Day’

    ‘How sweet of you SP! You bought a sweet stuff that I like!’

    ‘Ammalu, you never get angry with me?’

    ‘You are my child, SP, youngest of all my children, most innocent to the extend of talking at times, irrelevant, irritating things. Will a mother ever be unhappy with such a child?’

    ‘So the meeta pan gift is appreciated. Thank you’

    “You are the best gift I could have expected from God’

    ‘Shall we go to greet your mom?’

    ‘Not today. I want to solely enjoy the status of your mother, though borrowed. I don’t want to share it even with my mother’
    —————-

    Aren’t you amazed at my authoritative, autocratic way of dealing with you, Ammalu, while other husbands shiver at the sight of their wives?’

    ‘That is how I want my husband to be. I don’t like a henpecked hubby. I keep telling you ‘be autocratic, but go by what I like; be authoritative but go by what I say -If not in all matters, on major issues at least’
    ——-

    ‘ Ammalu, the grand old lady, your mom will be 20/30 years older to me?’

    ‘Easily. Even when we married, she was older to you by 10/12 years. And that was quite long ago’

  • A plain question and a chance to act

    ‘Hope you don’t mind my asking you a plain question, Ammalu?’

    ‘Plain question? What is that?’

    ‘Had I married someone else, do you think I would have been happier?’

    ‘I don’t know about you, but I would have been happier’

    ‘How? How???’

    ‘Because, because, no other husband will ask such stupid questions as you do!’

    ———————-‘

    Ammalu, there is every possibility of getting a chance to act in a Tamil epic film, for me, though my role is yet to be decided. Don’t know whether I will be the hero or villain’

    ‘I can tell you. Your role is Shivalingham. No motion, talk, song or dance’

    ‘You useless woman, you are jealous of my becoming popular’

    “SP, will your budhi never tread straight? Ashtavakra muni had only eights twists in his body. Your budhi has eight hundred’