Shivam Diaries

Category: A10 — AMMULU STORIES AND OTHER FUN FOUNTAINS

  • ‘Phat’ goes his habit

    ‘Always, bla, bla! Boring ! Could you speak something substantial, SP?’

    ‘Dasharatha Maharaja had four children ; Ammalu’s husband too. The Maharaja had three wives but Ammalu’s husband, poor man, not a Maharaja, not even an ordinary Raja, not even a Mantri, could have only one wife and that too our Ammalu. But still he survived. How? He had many girl friends, which the Maharaja didn’t have and poor guy, therefore had to say goodbye to the world .—‘

    ‘Please stop. Go back to your bla, bla ! Too much substance in your substantial talk’

     

    ‘Ammalu, had I married one of the dozen girls I had loved, would I have been happier?’

    ‘How do I know? Were your question, ‘how happy she would have been’, I could give an answer’

    ‘Ok, what is your answer?’

    ‘If you too were one of the dozen boys, she had loved, she would have been really happy’

    Ammalu, I believe in telling my opinion ‘phat’ at the face of anyone, without bothering about their reaction, wife or her mother or even God or Goddess’

    ‘Not a bad idea’

    ‘So, you understood?’

    ‘Yes, of course’

    ‘Tell others too’

    ‘My mom knows already. To the other two, you may convey the message’

    ‘Now, Ammalu, you are telling me ‘phat’!’

    ————————–

  • The fresh glow

    ‘ Ammalu, the fresh glow in your face is natural or artificial ?’

    ‘Artificial’

    ‘What new face powder did you apply?’

    ‘No face powder. I took extra attention in preparing sambar and avial for you’
    ————
    Ammalu, I’m a man of stainless character. Don’t you agree?’

    ‘Yes, I do’

    ‘Then, when I talk to a woman other than you, why do you stare into my eyes as if there are some gold coins inside?’

    ‘Not gold. I’m looking for the stainless steel vessels, which are missing from my kitchen. I trust my servant woman’
    ———
    Ammalu, any misunderstanding between us should not reach your mom’s ears’

    ‘Misunderstanding, we don’t have even understanding’

    ‘Ammalu, our children will protest’

    ‘They won’t. They know that now we have no strength to stand or sit under or above’

    ‘Then?’

    ‘We float in the air’

    ‘If we collude ?’

    ‘Only gas will escape. So don’t worry’

  • Allow me to do what I want to do

    ‘Ammalu, allow me to see whatever I want to; allow me to go wherever I want to. I’m not a child for you to follow me like a spy of Hitler or a fly after jackfruit’

    ‘Sure, if you promise that you will behave on public roads’

    ‘Behave on public roads? Did I pickpocket any man or butt -kick any woman?’

    ‘SP, don’t try to beat me with your high sounding but hollow words. Answer these three questions honestly.
    Charge 1-
    Did you or did you not on last Thursday evening, walk holding a ripe mango fruit in hand, biting it, sucking it’s juice, enjoying every drop and making sound to propagate your happiness?

    ‘Proof?’

    ‘The stains of mango juice on your shirt.
    So, charge 1 is proved.

    Charge 2- Did you or did you not, on last Friday evening, removing your shirt and tying it around your head, sit on the mud along with urchins and enjoy the Terukoothu street play, whistling intermittently, inserting your finger into the mouth?’

    ‘Proof?’

    ‘Your cramped shirt and whistling in sleep. So, charge 2 too proved.

    Charge. 3- Did you or did you not, yesterday evening, manage to collect cinema tickets in bulk through your influence and sell at much higher rate, standing on the road side before our Rambha Talkies?’

    ‘Proof?’

    ‘Here. I was one among the cheated and here is the torn ticket’

    ‘Hip hip hooray! Ammalu, we are made for each other!’

    ‘Of course, we are made for each other!’

  • You have to be choosy in your words while talking to even a close relative. Once I told Ammalu ( not now, long ago, during our honeymoon days, when we commit all blunders and regret life long):

    ‘Ammalu, you are the most beautiful woman, I have ever come across in the world’

    ‘How many you have come across?’, she asked.

    ‘A few thousands,’ I replied.

    ‘Then, you are bluffing’, she admonished me, ‘if it were a few hundreds, I would have accepted your compliment’

    I never realized till then that the gap between a hundred and a thousand is so wide!

    Ammalu, my friends are repositories of kindness. Ammini is an epitome of kindness. Pattu is pristine merciful—‘

    ‘SP, enough. I follow my mother’s advice. ‘Be kind only to your husband and be cruel to other women’s husbands. I can’t change and I won’t.’

    Ammalu, I want to gift a cell phone for you’

    ‘Thanks, but I don’t need’

    ‘Why Ammalu? When you go out ( most of the time you are out), you may like to talk to your friends’

    ‘Yes, most of the time, I’m out to escape from your nagging but I don’t need a cell phone ‘

    ‘Why Ammalu?’

    ‘The moment I have it, you will follow me wherever I go and when I talk to someone you will come near me to overhear. Once the talk is over, you will enquire, like an old time mother- in -law, who it was I was talking to, that person’s sex, age, house address, height, weight etc.
    No, SP, I don’t want a cell phone ‘

    ‘Did my mother nag you, ever?’

    ‘Only once, when I entered your home for the first time, after our wedding’

    ‘But, we didn’t have a phone, then’

    ‘She was enquiring what we were talking in the bullock, during our journey’

    ‘She was with us in the same cart’

    ‘She was throughout except for a short while, when you got out of the cart to see whether our other carts too were following us. Then she asked, ‘what was my son telling you, while getting out of the cart just now?’.
    I told her, ‘amma, you son was asking whether I could drive the cart. I told him, ‘I can drive the bullocks, you drive the cart’

    ‘A foolish answer it was, Ammalu. My mother would have thought that you were an unadulterated idiot’

    ‘Quiet possible. But, then on, she never asked, ‘what my son told you?’

    ————————

  • Overflowing intelligence

    ‘Ammalu, my intelligence is overflowing, they say’

    ‘Who?’

    ‘My jealous friends whose head is empty’

    ‘The container inside your head might be too small. Anyway good that you told me. I will keep a towel in my hand always, ready to mop the floor. Slipping and falling will break our bones and drain of your intelligence completely. I should ensure that a drop at least should stay safe in your head’

    ‘Ammalu, giving me a lecture on a small issue?’

    ‘Small issue, intelligence   overflowing?’

  • Ammalu is always right

    Ammalu, if someone asks whether you are my wife, what should I reply?’

    ‘What will be the reply of a common man without your IQ level or paper degrees?’

    ‘Ammalu, I’m not a common man. I’m a genius. That was why I asked you’

    ‘You do one thing. Send that person to me. I will answer him as you can’t’

    ‘That person is a woman’

    ‘Then you deal with her. She will be of your IQ level’

    ———————–/

    Ammalu, if you think that I’m after you for any favour, you are wrong’

    ‘I know you are after my idli, dosa, sambar, chutney, hot coffee in the morning, sumptuous lunch, snacks and tea in the evening, oothappam, masaldosa, or upma chutneys, for dinner’

    ‘That is all?’

    ‘That is all now. But was not so a few years earlier’

    ‘I want to learn Cut Dance . Are you interested, Ammalu?’

    ‘Yes, I’m . If you allow me to dance with whomever I like to’

    ‘I cut that demand!

    ‘Cut for your Cut Dance desire’

    ————————–

  • Ammalu is always right

     

    “What is your opinion, generally, about me, Ammalu?”

    “Very good”

    “Will you tell this to your mom?”

    “No”

    “Why?”

    “Her opinion, already about you, is very very good”

    “That additional ‘very’ doesn’t appear be good for me, Ammalu”

    “That exactly was the reason why I didn’t tell her my opinion about you”

    “Very, very thoughtful act on your part, Ammalu”

    “This additional ‘very’ is OK?”

    “Nothing is okey when it comes to you and your mom. But I’m very coolerant . So, I’m tolerating”

    “What is that ‘coolerant’ SP Sir?”

    “That is a new word, I added to the Oxford Dictionary. That means very, very tolerant”

    “So, you have now started fooling Oxford Dictionary too’

    ———————-

    Ammalu, I’m your husband, not servant. Don’t issue orders to me’

    ‘What order, when?’

    ‘Come for food’, you said, now. You should have said, ‘please come for food’.

    ‘Ok. Please come for food and please open it only for eating’

    ————————————

    Ammalu, your mother’s sari length is 9 yds or 10 yds ? ‘

    ‘What is your problem SP?’

    ‘I want to gift her a sari ‘

    ‘You, gifting her a sari? Have you ever done it before? Ok. I will buy the correct size as per her liking. Give me money’

    ‘How much would it cost , Fifty or a hundred rupees?’

    ‘For 50/100, you get only a kerchief for your Ammini or Kummini, Paru or Cheeru. You buy on your own and give your friends. And please leave my mom alone and don’t worry about her wear’

    ————————-

    Ammalu, I don’t expect you to receive me with harti, when I return home after my evening walk. But, you should at least have the duty consciousness to lead me to my easy chair’

    ‘You forgot the way from the gate to our hall? ‘

    ‘I would have’

    ‘No, you would not have. Just before going for the walk, like reciting Lalithasasranamam , you were telling the names of your classmates right from your first class to college final’

    —————————

    There is a pride in saying my wife is Ammalu, to my new friends. They stand still, mouth- opened, wondering how I’m managing you’

    ‘I do not have that problem, SP. When my new friends know that you are my husband, they don’t stand still. They fall at my feet saying that I’m a Devine power to tolerate such a difficult person’

    ——————–

    Ammalu, you are my Gulab jamun’

    ‘Kolkatta or Kalpathy?’

    ‘You Kalpthies too make Jamuns?’

    ‘Why not? What are our Kozhakaatais, modakams?
    Aren’t those white Jamuns?’

    ‘Country girl, Ammalu. Those are juice less, like you!’

    ‘Who said? Haven’t you heard Jamuns floating in coconut milk extract?

    ‘Ok, make Kalpathy Jamuns and serve me now’

    ‘Sure. But I’m juiceless you said. I will make kozhakkattais. You make juice. Coconut rope is there to climb the tree, koduval is there to remove the outer coverage and inner shell and to break the nuts. Remove the pulp and crush it in the granite grinder.
    I’m sure, you know how to rotate the granite pestle–‘

    ‘Stop, you long -tongued woman. I know how to rotate your useless head. Just for calling you poetically, ‘my Gulab jamun’, all these ordeals?’

    ‘I don’t like your poetry. Call me by my own name. What will you call me?’

    ‘Ammalu’

    ‘Will you call me juiceless?’

    ‘Never. You are the most juicy woman in our village. Noisy too’

    ‘That is OK. Your favorite Kozhakaatais are ready. Enjoy’

    wrapper and shell and break the nuts, granite wet grinder is there to jam the pulp. You can sit on the platform and extract the juice’

    ‘All these ordeals just for calling you my Gulabjamoon?’

    ‘Yes. And you know I don’t like your poetry’

    ——————-

     

     

     

     

  • Togetherness, that is all!

    Mathan bharani
    The ceramic storage containers which we called ‘Baranies’ were widely used in Indian kitchen and I hope those are still in use. Pickles were the primary item stored and then curd, buttermilk.
    With a brightly polished exterior and neat interior, maintenance was easy.
    ‘She is like a ‘mathan bharani’ -means she is short with a rich middle part’
    ‘And he, like a ‘murunkaikai! Like a drumstick’
    ‘So what ? They didn’t seek a divorce three or three years after wedding. They have been living together for thirty years happily, quarreling morning and evening’
    ‘Quarreling morning to evening and living happily?’
    ‘Yes, you expect a married couple to quarrel  throughout day and night?’
    ‘I don’t, but wonder what will they do rest of the time?’
     
    ‘Don’t ask silly questions. When I say they lived happily, I have covered the rest of the time’
    ‘Oh, now I understood, a bit. Quarrel is only an external symptom of internal togetherness!’
    ‘Say, togetherness. Don’t say a word more’
    ‘Oh, now I understood completely’

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  • Ammalu is always right

    ‘Let us be friends Ammalu. All said and done, I can’t avoid you and you can’t avoid me’
    ‘Agreed. Take me to a movie and buy me an ice cream’
    ‘Agreed. Get ready for the movie’
    ‘Which movie?’
    ‘Kaathavaraayan’
    ‘Forget about my friendship. I will go with my friends for a Hindi or English movie’
    ——————
    Mom, your sweet son in law is there?’
    ‘Yes, he is hiding behind me. I’m sure that he did some minor mischief and came here to escape from your punishment’
    ‘Minor of course? Mom, you know what he did? He scratched my back when we were shopping in the Chettiar shop’
    ‘Top or bottom back?’
    ‘Behind neck’
    ‘It is OK, Ammalu. He has just returned from USA and would have been tempted by seeing hubbies and honeys mutually scratching backs of partners in public places, out of love’
    ‘Mom, you saying this? I’m sure that SP would have brainwashed you. Is he still hiding behind your back?’
    ‘ I have given him a small work. When he pleaded that I should protect you from your wrath, I asked him to milk our cow and he happily agreed. My milkman is absent today’
    ‘Will your milkman come tomorrow, mom?’
    ‘He may not’
    ‘Then, I will let SP to scratch my back tomorrow also’
    ‘Thank you, only top back’
    ‘Of course, only top back’
     
     

  • ‘It is better to obey wife and lead a peaceful life than quarrel with her and make days miserable,’ says a friend. Intelligent guy. What say Ammalu?’
    ‘I can also pretend ‘
    ‘Pretend to obey me?’
    ‘Pretend to make food, pretend to serve you. Pretend to have forgotten the names of the women who calls you’
    ‘Do women ever call me, Ammalu?’
    ‘How do I know? I never go near the phone’
    ‘So, the twenty and odd calls you attend everyday is only pretending?’
    ‘I’m not your wife to answer your question, gentleman!’
    ‘Ammalu, that is taking ‘pretention’ too far. Assure me please, you are pretending. I will die of shock if you don’t do that ‘
    ———————–
    Baby, Could you please sit by me and scratch my back?’
    ‘Baby? I’m not a baby and you are not a kid . You know what you are?’
    ‘I’m an young man, forced, destined to live as a chained prisoner with an uneducated, old, withered, country woman, but still maintaining my charm! I’m –‘
    ‘You are, you are an oblivion oldie, good for nothing, ego-eaten, elephant headed, head, heart and bladder packed with outdated ideas, unfit for this century but still I’m tolerating you!’
    ‘Wah, Ammalu! Appa Iyer school anchaam class, fifth standard, bringing poetry, prose, all in one capsule.
    Ammalu Get some water, please’
    ‘What happened SP? Are you Ok ? Coming in a minute. I will
    Sit by you and scratch your back’
    ————————-