Shivam Diaries

Category: A10 — AMMULU STORIES AND OTHER FUN FOUNTAINS

  • Ammalu is always right

    ‘Ammalu, we may be husband and wife–‘
    ‘We are’
    ‘OK, but we are two separate individuals. We have our own identities. I may not like what you like and you may not like what I like-‘
    ‘I don’t like what you like and you don’t like what I like’
    ‘OK, but let us both board this toy train and go merrily two three rounds’
    ‘SP, you board the toy train, go twenty rounds. In the meantime, I will just make a round inside the jewel shop’
    ‘May not be a good idea, Ammalu’
    ‘No more ‘mays’ please’
    ———————–
    Whom do you love more, me or your mom, Ammalu?’
    ‘Our children’
    ‘That was not an answer to my question’
    ‘I don’t answer foolish questions’
    ———————–
    ‘I should find out some new ways to please your mom.
    My old tricks are not working with her. Any suggestion,
    Ammalu?’
    ‘Tell me the purpose first. Money or material, what is the cause behind?’
    ‘Ammalu, you consider me as a cheat? Che,Che, I never expected such an evaluation from you. As she is advancing in age, I want to please her. That is all’
    ‘Is that your only intention?’
    ‘Yes, it is. Don’t suspect my innocence, please’
    ‘I won’t. Return her five hundred genuine currency notes which you exchanged with your Coimbatore notes, long ago’
    ————————
    Ammalu, you resemble some other woman known to me, when I see your back, from a distance’
    ‘Could be my mom. You never dare to look at her face’
     
     

  • Ammalu is always right

    Fed up of the family life, especially with you. Leaving for Uttar Kasi for Sanyas and Moksham, now, in another five minutes. No second thoughts. Give me a thousand rupees please, Ammalu’
    ‘Why cash when going for sanyas and Moksham, SP?’
    ‘For buying, kaashaayam, kamandalu, dandam, Rudraksham ‘
    ‘All those things including an extra pair of ochre cloths are ready
    In my cupboard. My mom had sent those things along with me as Stree dhaanam and told me,’ any time your husband may ask for these. Hand over instantly’.
    ‘That old lady bought those along with jewels and vessels for you?’
    ‘No, she had already in her cupboard gifted by her mother. My father didn’t ask for that’
    ‘That shows how good, kind, affectionate your mom was to your dad, unlike you’
    ‘No, that shows my father knew somehow, unlike you, the availability of those stuff in the cupboard’

  • Ammalu is always right

    ‘Ammalu, our Paru is very naughty!’
    ‘Who is ‘our’ Paru, the cow or vegetable seller?’
    ‘You think only about cow or kaikarikkari! The naughty Paru, I mentioned, is Pammetchu’s wife. She told me yesterday that at times, I behave like a Jallikattu bull incited with a piece of red cloth waved before its eyes. That is to highlight my overflowing energy and enthusiasm.
    Is she wrong? ‘
    ‘Yes, she is wrong. Any colour cloth that moves before your eyes, makes you go mad’
    ‘But not the saris which you spread for drying in our veranda’
    ‘They are my saris which convert you to a pussy cat instantly and you start meowing ‘
    ‘So, no overflowing with enthusiasm?’
    ‘There is no flow at all. Where is the question of overflowing?’
    ‘Ammalu, is it right to convert your husband to a pussy cat?’
    ‘Is it right to become a bull, Jallikattu bull, at the sight of other women?’

  • Hand in hand and mouth in mouth

    Responding to your matri.ad:
    If you are looking for a honest, efficient, intelligent, caring, handsome husband , I’m available!’
    Response:
    ‘Thank you, but no. I’m looking for a submissive and simpleton baby’
    ‘There is a ‘thalayatti Chettiar bommai, doll in my showcase, which keeps on shaking its head, if you just touch it with your finger. I’m sending it to you’
    ‘Keep the bommai, doll with you. Tell me about your Chettiar.
    He must be rich’
    ‘He is indeed. But he is married’
    ‘So what?’
    ‘Chettiar aatchi makes Mirichi bajji for sales in her home counter every evening and keeps handy a bowlful of green chilly paste. If any woman comes near Chettiar, she will blow it into her eyes’
    ‘Oh, Aactchi atchi nahi’
    ‘Mritchi batchi bhi’
    ‘So, hand in hand and mouth in mouth
    We start the trip, to tell the truth
    I like you honest, handsome baby!
    I can make noodles, you buy a cradle’
     
     
     

  • Between mom and daughter

    ‘Mom, your sweet son in law is there?’
    ‘Yes, he is hiding behind me. I’m sure that he did some minor mischief and came here to escape from your punishment’
    ‘Minor of course!  Mom, you know what he did? He scratched my back when we were shopping in the Chettiar shop’
    ‘Top or bottom back?’
    ‘Behind neck’
    ‘It is OK, Ammalu. He has just returned from USA and would have been tempted by seeing hubbies and honeys mutually scratching backs , in public places, out of love’
    ‘Mom, you saying this? I’m sure that SP would have brainwashed you. Is he still hiding behind your back?’
    ‘ I have given him a small work. When he pleaded that I should protect him  from your wrath, I asked him to milk our cow and he happily agreed. My milkman is absent today’
    ‘Will your milkman come tomorrow, mom?’
    ‘He may not’
    ‘Then, I will let SP to scratch my back tomorrow also’
    ‘Thank you, only top back’
    ‘Of course, only top back’

  • Ammalu is always right

    “What is your opinion, generally, about me, Ammalu?”
    “Very good”
    “Will you tell this to your mom?”
    “No”
    “Why?”
    “Her opinion, already about you, is very very good”
    “That additional ‘very’ doesn’t appear be good for me, Ammalu”
    “That exactly was the reason why I didn’t tell her my opinion about you”
    “Very, very thoughtful act on your part, Ammalu”
    “This additional ‘very’ is OK?”
    “Nothing is okey when it comes to you and your mom. But I’m very coolerant . So, I’m tolerating”
    “What is that ‘coolerant’ SP Sir?”
    “That is a new word, I added to the Oxford Dictionary. That means very, very tolerant”
    “So, you have now started fooling Oxford Dictionary too?’
    ———————-
    What nonsense did you utter to Paru, when you met her last week at the railway station, SP, Sir.?’
    ‘Nonsense? I just bid her Bon voyage and said,’take care’.
    ‘You said something more?’
    ‘Yes, ‘You are my eyes’, I said’
    ‘You said that really?’
    ‘Yes, what wrong in that?’
    ‘SP, you told that 60 year old grand ma of six grand children , ‘you are my eyes ?’
    ‘Yes, Ammalu, I was under spiritual ecstasy as I was returning after a Saturday bajan in the temple’
    ‘Lie. Saturday Bajans were shifted to Thursday since an year.
    Then what happened?.’
    ‘She exclaimed, ‘oh, SP, thank you for saying that I’m your eyes.
    No doubt, you have four eyes. Even God Shiva had only three’
    ‘Then?’
    ‘Then, I raised my hand to my face to check whether she was bluffing’
    ‘SP, aren’t you ashamed? Why did you behave like a madcap before her?’
    ‘Sorry, Ammalu. I lost my mental balance when I saw her’
    ‘I know you. You lose your balance whenever you see a woman. Anyway, she has got this gift for you from Bombay’
    ‘What gift is that Ammalu?’
    ‘A hand mirror. Keep it in your pocket. Use it whenever you want to check your eyes’
     
    —————
    Ammalu, our Reshmi’s mother Savithri Bhat madam says that there is a Devine spark in me. Don’t you agree?’
    ‘She is seeing you from Palakkad, which is thousands of miles away and sees only a spark. I’m living with you for the past several years and I know that you are not a spark, not even a fire, but you are a wild fire- Kaattu thee.
    She will know the truth when she comes to USA’
    ‘Ammalu, I have not burnt you, remember’
    ‘SP, I’m Ammalu, remember
    —————————-
    Ammalu, if I tell you, just for fun, that you are not the woman whom I love most, will you swoon and fall flat on the floor, out of shock?’
    ‘No, SP’
    ‘You won’t even ask me the name of the other woman?’
    ‘No, SP’
    ‘No reaction for my startling revelation, from you?’
    ‘Reaction is there, of course’
    ‘What?’
    ‘Your next drink from me won’t be Coffee but Kadukkai kazhayam’
    ‘But that will lead to loose motion’
    ‘Exactly. Your joke will get fleshed out along with that’
    —————————-
     
     
    ———–

  • Ammalu is always right

    Ammalu, for Karadayan nombu you don’t prepare laddu, jilebhi, kesari, halva etc?’
    ‘Yes, we do, but won’t serve to our men!’
    ‘Why Ammalu ? You eat everything and bulge like a barrel?’
    ‘Don’t mind even if I swell like your ego, but can’t serve you’
    ‘Why, why, why?’
    ‘Karadayan nombu is a vratham praying for your longevity. Laddu and other sweets will hinder that, especially you are are a diabetic’
    ‘Is that the only hindrance for my longevity?’
    ‘One more. Your cosiness with women’
    —————–
    You look so sweet while sleeping, resting you head on the right hand, SP’
    ‘Don’t I look sweet while awake, Ammalu?’
    ‘No. You talk while awake’
    ——————————
    Ammalu, I feel so elated, seeing the full moon above our mango tree showering nectar and a cuckoo pair singing love songs. Come near, my sweet heart. Let me hug you’.
    ‘Are you Ok, SP?’
    ‘Ammalu, Ammini was telling–‘
    ‘You want to hug Ammini or me? Decide that first and then I will deal with your cockoo and Chikkoo’
    ‘Who is Chikkoo Ammalu?’
    ‘The one I want to hug’
    ‘Ammalu, or you OK?’
    ‘I’m not . I was never. Had I been Ok, I would have married Chikkoo and not you’
    ‘Ammalu, please don’t say such thing. I was just joking. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I never wanted to hug you’
    ‘I know that. Now, show me your cuckoo pair singing love songs. I’m seeing only two monkeys on the mango tree’
     

  • Ammalu is always right

    “Ammalu, this is between us;  the old lady in our side portion, is pregnant?”
    “It is not between us.  It is between she and her husband. Anyway, as you are curious, she is not old and she is not pregnant.”
    ——————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————-

    “Ammalu, why don’t we sit calmly in a place and discuss about the ways to have more peace, more happiness, more—“
    “Look, I don’t think we need anything more now;  in fact we need something less- your talk and nagging me for small, small requirement of yours soap, bath towel etc so that I can attend to more important work”‘You already have enough of ‘mores’; why again ‘more’ for you?””I simply love your such talks, more and more”.

    ———————————————————————————————————–

    ” on one hand , just on one hand, if I tattoo, how will I look, Ammalu?”
    ” On my back, just only on my back, if I tattoo and wear a back-opened blouse, how will I look?”” Have you gone mad?’” Move a bit please; let me tattoo the floor and front doors first for the Janmashtami festival . And talk like a matured man, ”
    ———————————————————————————————————Admirable husband

    ” Whenever I talk about Ammini or Sundari, why are you looking at the ceiling
    or floor ? Why don’t you look straight at my face?”
    “Wherever I turn, up, sides or down, I see nothing but your charming face and sparkling eyes,  Ammalu”
    “Oh, man ! what an enchanting eloquence! what an enviable escape route!”
    ———————————————————————————————————-
    You and me are alone in this house
    —————————————
    ” I have a feeling that in this house, my silence and soft-talks are mistaken for my weakness. If you don’t know the meaning of my words, Ammalu, refer to Oxford Dictionary ”
    ” Only you and me are there, in this house. So, I have a feeling that your complaint is against me. Anyway get ready. Let us go”
    ”Where to ?”
    “To get a thicker lens as the present one is too weak for you. It was a mistake, last time, we went for the cheaper ‘Si’ lens. We should also try to get some hard discs which will convert  your soft talks to harder ones”.
    “Ammalu, you make me go crazy”
    “What else a wife is for?”
    ” Oh, my God, you don’t need a Dictionary; you  can write a dozen. I used  the word ‘crazy’ in its simplest form. I can’t afford to go crazy at this age; and you too, I presume.”
    “I have a feeling in this house—“”
    “Ammalu, please don’t have any feelings. As you correctly said, you and me are alone in this house.”
    —————————————————————–

  • Ammalu is always right

    ‘Am,mam, here is the list of my new year vows, in three parts, extremely difficult, very difficult and difficult, 101 vows in each section’
    ‘Am, mam?’
    ‘Yes, mam. That is the short form for Ammalu madam, the first vow from the ‘extremely difficult’ category’
    ‘Good. You want my cooperation in implementing your 300 and odd vows?’
    ‘Yes, Am, mam’
    ‘I will help you on one condition. Here is your last year’s vow list, which woefully remains only on paper. I want you to implement one vow, just one vow’
    ‘Waiting for your orders, Am mom’
    ‘I’m reading from your list: ‘After my Rummy play with friends every evening, I shall not leave the task of collecting the cards from the table, chairs and floor to Ammalu but I will do it myself. Ithu Sathyam, Sathyam, Sathyam’ .
    Just do that, only one evening’
    ‘That is too much, Ammalu’
    ‘Ammalu? Fut goes your first vow for the new year!’

  • Ammalu is always right


    ‘Take back your coffee, take back your Murukku. Ask that Kirukku (crazy ) woman to relive me from the bondage, Ammalu’
    ‘Kirukku, who is that?’
    ‘Who else ? My mother in law’
    ‘She is my mom! You call her Kirukku? She never called you so even once!’
    ‘Then what did she call me?’
    ‘Irrecoverably idiotic, irreversibly spoiled sweet baby’
    ‘Some more coffee please’
    ————————–
    Ammalu, as you know I was a strict disciplinarian and my office used to shiver at my sight. I want to continue to be a disciplinarian and you should shiver at my sight’
    ‘SP, this is not your office. This is my home’
    ‘Your home?. I bought this house by my hard earned money!’
    ‘True. You bought the house, not home. I made it a home and it is my desire that I continue with my disciplinarian activities’
    ‘And I should shiver at your sight!?’
    ‘No, need. Continue to be a good, obedient boy as you are now’
    ‘Ammalu!’
    ‘It is OK. Carry on with your work in hand, please. Time is precious’
    ————————–
    ‘SP, you can’t demand any dowry nowadays. You can’t say that you will accept the girl for our son, only if she comes with a cart load vessels and furniture. You can’t go with an inch tape in hand and give them the measurements of the vessels, such as the height of anda and circumference of arukkanchatti’
    ‘Why, has the sky fallen on your head or has our roof flew away in a tsunami ?’
    ‘Worse than that. The girl’s mother tells my friends,’ that big size vessels are not available in the market. Let the boy’s parents create the vessels and I will pay them. Creation at this age, SP?’