Category: A10 — AMMULU STORIES AND OTHER FUN FOUNTAINS

 

I’m prepared to give your mom half my properties, if she takes you back, Ammalu’

‘She will take me back without your giving her a pie. But, what is left with you, if I’m gone?’

‘Why, my properties?’

‘What property do you have other than me as all other properties are already transferred in my name?’

‘Who, who, who did that ?’

‘Yourself’

‘Me, when, when, when?’

‘Then, then, then, when you forgot yourself reading your old love letters in your room, when I entered, showed you a blank stamp paper and obtained your signature ‘

‘You did, it, Ammalu? That was cheating your husband’

‘Was it not cheating your wife to keep the old love letters, read them alone, enjoy every word in it, after living with her for forty four yeas and becoming father of four children?’

‘Forty four years, four children! If we live together fifty five years, five children! And sixty six years–?’

‘You will continue to read your old love letters!’

Cartoon courtesy  Ramki, Chennai.

‘Ammalu what is your problem if me, as an art lover, enjoy the artistic beauty of the straight lines and curves of kolams, while your friends light the Deepavali lamps?’

‘You are going beyond the curves and bends of kolam drawings. There the problem starts’

---

 

 

‘Who is that woman boarding the Volkswagen?’

‘That is not a woman, not even a human. It is a dog. There is no green sari or Volkswagen there. The pet puppy is entering an auto ricksha with a red color body frame’

‘Auto rickshaw in America?’

‘We are not in America. We are in Hyderabad’

‘Ammalu, when did I land in India!’

‘I’m not Ammalu. I’m her mother’

‘OMG. No wonder why I was blabbering!’

---

 

 

 

 

 

 

‘Can you write one line in English, without eight mistakes, Ammalu?’

‘Mom said it was not necessary. ‘Learn to read’, she said. ‘It will help you to read your husband’s earlier love letters to his girl friends, which you should use as a tool to harass him’

I did that, I used; I won’

 

‘It is enough if you and me know my actual age. It is not necessary others, especially your friends and my former women colleagues to know how old I’m’

‘Ok. In case they ask your age what should I tell them’

‘Tell them I’m forty or fifty’

‘If they ask my age?’

‘Tell them you are seventy or eighty’

‘If they ask whether I’m your grand mother, what shall I tell them, paternal or maternal?’

‘Say eternal, you useless woman. Asking unwanted questions’

————————-

Ammalu, you are perhaps under the impression that I was a
‘good for nothing’ guy during my early days and became a good man only after marrying you. Ah, ah! You want to claim credit for converting me?

‘No, Sir, I have no claim as I failed’

---

 

 

‘Ammalu, ‘purusha kesari’, I’m . You know the meaning of kesari?
You think it is the sweet dish your mom prepares on my Eakadasi fasting days. Pity your knowledge. ‘Kesari’ is Simham. Simham is lion. So, I’m a Purusha kesari means I’m a lion among men! Lion is the king of animals. Do you have any such titles? No. is any wife called ‘kesari’?. No. Pity your tribes’

‘The very mention of the word ‘ wife’ sends high voltage electricity through the veins and arteries of the lions like you. Where is the need to call us lions or leopards?’

---

‘Can you write one line in English, without eight mistakes, Ammalu?’

‘Mom said it was not necessary. ‘Learn to read’, she said. ‘It will help you to read your husband’s earlier love letters to his girl friends, which you should use as a tool to harass him’

I did that, I used; I won’

——————–

‘Is it too much to ask, if, as your husband, I expect you to return a small percentage of love which I have given you?’

‘You love me because, you like me. Your love, in whole, I accept, absorb and it becomes a part of me. There is no question of returning in full or part of it.
It is another matter if I like you and shower my love on you. It is not giving. It is showering. Once I showered on you, I don’t expect you to collect a portion of it and give me back. Is it clear now, my loving husband?’

‘Confusing. Can’t grasp. Coming down to earth. Can you please give me a hundred rupees for my petty expenses, Ammalu dear?’

‘Why not? It is not too much to ask from your wife!’

---

How strong is your mom now financially, Ammalu?’

‘Not bad’

‘Can you borrow some money from her?’

‘Why not? How much?’

‘A lakh and one’

‘Here is one rupee. A lakh will be credited to my account’

‘To your account?’

‘Yes, you told her the other day that all your bank balance has been transferred to my account and your account is inoperative’

‘Ammalu, which fool will transfer his life’s savings to his wife?

‘But, that was what you told her’

‘Ammalu, for the heaven’s sake don’t believe a word your husband tell others especially women’

‘Really? So, all the stories they say about you are untrue, which means you are a perfect gentleman? . I will go and tell my mom immediately!

‘Yes, immediately. But don’t forget to ask her a loan for a perfect gentleman’

---

Saarinnu ezupatbu thekanjoo alley! Cooed Ammini. She thinks I’m seventy only. Poor girl’

‘There could be two reasons for the disappearance of ten years. Either the poor girl has lost her very lost tooth or the battery of your hear aid needs replacement’

‘Or Ammini’s memory battery might be leaking, Ammalu’

‘No way. The other day she leaked out your secret session with her on the day of your retirement’

‘That was ten years before Ammalu’

‘No, twenty. Now, I should take to the workshop to check the battery leak’

---

 

 

‘You see me in your dreams, Ammalu?’

‘From morning to evening, I see you behind me, wherever I go. Is that not enough?’

‘You have eyes at your back too, Ammalu?’

‘I have eyes all over my body. Otherwise, how did I manage all these years to keep you with me and for me?’

---

Ammalu, tell me frankly, do you love me now as much as you did on the first few days of our marriage?’

‘You want a frank reply?’

‘Yes, please’

‘My love lasted only for 45 minutes!’

’45 minutes! Not even an hour! Why Ammalu?’

‘You talked about me only for the first 45 minutes after our wedding. Afterwards, you were boasting about other girls’

‘I was a teenager then!’

‘That is why I said, ‘girls”

‘Why didn’t you accept as a true admission of a guilt, opened up by an innocent teenager to his wife in their first meet itself?’

‘If it was the revelation of a guilt, I would have accepted. It was a bluff’

‘Ok. If it was a bluff, why did you stop loving me?’

‘I hate bluff more than a wrong doing’

‘Ok. Did I stop bluffing as you didn’t love me?’

‘No. I have in fact, started loving your bluff’

‘So, now you love my bluff and not me?’

‘See, it is a difficult question. You and bluff have both joined as one and it has become difficult for me to distinguish your bluff from you’

‘Ammalu, you are bluffing’

‘Then I too have become an inseparable part of you’

‘Thank you, Ammalu. We are one in two bodies’

‘That is a true statement, not a bluff. Thank you’

—————–

 

‘You see me in your dreams, Ammalu?’

‘From morning to evening, I see you behind me, wherever I go. Is that not enough?’

‘You have eyes at your back too, Ammalu?’

‘I have eyes all over my body. Otherwise, how did I manage all these years to keep you with me and for me?’

—————

‘I see neither Saraswathy nor Lakshmi but only Durga manifestation in you, Ammalu’

‘ I had been the cause for your earning fame, name and wealth and knowledge during your young days and now to punish you for your misdeeds, goddess has chosen me as Durga’

‘You were the cause for my wealth and knowledge?’

‘Weren’t you telling everyone that I was your Lakshmi. Your mom said so, your dad said so, your relatives said so’

‘That was a formality’

‘Means everyone in your family was lying?’

‘Not that Ammalu. Why are you getting angry? You are an embodiment of peace and tranquility’

‘But you see only Durga in me!’

‘That was when my eyeglasses were unclear. I have cleaned those now and have a better vision’

‘So, how do I look now?’

‘Like Lakshmi and Saraswathi’

---

 

 

 

‘I can tell from memory the make, color and pattern of saris worn by your friends who attended your kolu this evening, Ammalu.’

‘I’m glad that your have that information. Please note it down pass on to our Chettiyar tomorrow and order for me one sari in each pattern. I liked all the saris’

‘Are you mad? Twenty two women attended the kolu and you want me to order 22 saris! Sorry Ammalu, I was bluffing. I don’t remember all the patterns’

‘How many do you remember?’

‘Three or four’

‘Ok. Order three or four saris’

‘Ammalu, on this Vijayadasami day, I take a vow. Now on, I will never look at the saris of any of your friends and if by chance, if I happen to see, I won’t remember their colour, brand or pattern’

‘That is for the future and that decision doesn’t affect your past mistakes. Oder four saris , ok?’

‘Four saris !!!!’

‘Ok, make it three’

---

Ammalu, my mother would have never expected that my marriage with you would be nothing but misery multiplied by millions’

‘My mother expected about my marriage though the multiplication factor was not that high as your mother’s expectation’

---

 

‘Let us settle this issue once and for all, Ammalu. Is there an element of doubt in a corner of your mind that I’m not all that honest and sincere as I appear to be’

‘Not in a corner. Is the issue settled once and for all and to your satisfaction?’

---

“There is a divya tejas, Devine glow on my face, said Kameswari, while I was coming out of the temple. You too see the glow on my face, Ammalu?’

‘Yes, I do see. And that glow was not there when you left for the temple. Your Easwaries are doing wonders there!’

---

‘Yes, Ammalu. I agree, I have a hundred bad habits. What will you do? Go and complain to your mom? . What will she do? She will ask me to return the one hundred soiled one rupee notes she gave me as dowry. I will give her new currency notes. Fresh from the bank. What does the old lady knows about my status in the society?’

‘SP, she neither complains about your habits which are not that bad as you proudly claims to be, nor is reclaiming the soiled notes, which she purposely gave you.
She only asks you to use a belt to tighten your dothi, if you can’t wear it tight. It may not suit your high status if it slips and falls when you go for a walk along with other people of high society’

———————

‘Had I issued a matrimonial ad. hundreds of beauties would have responded, Ammalu’

‘Why only hundreds, even thousands of girls would have responded had you inserted your photo too. But ultimately, you could have selected only one beauty’

‘Why only one? I would have selected four’

‘Oh, you were talking of ad. for kannukutties, calves! I thought it was for a girl’

---

I

My youngest daughter in law Meena Bhaskar’s Boston kolu.

 

‘For Bommakolu when your friends come, I can go out if you don’t like me to be here, Ammalu’

‘No need. Be in your library, pretending to read or write, enjoying our chats secretly. But don’t peep into the pooja every five minutes and tell the womenfolk, ‘this doll is Rama, that doll is Ravana, who stole his wife’ . Every one knows the Rama story’

‘And every one knows that I didn’t steal another man’s wife but I have my own’

‘Wah, SP, classic. You deserve a seat in my kolu!’

———————-

‘Why do you stare at me when I cut jokes with my former colleagues, who come for Bommakolu, Ammalu?’

‘You laugh at your jokes while others don’t. In fact you are the only one who laughs.’

‘If not others, you could laugh?’

‘I feel laughing now!’

---

‘Ammalu, invite all your friends Ammini, Paru, Pattu, KalyAni, Karthyayani, every one and ask them to sing a song each. If you want me to join, I can oblige’.

‘I think it is enough if you alone sing. That will cover all the ragams, all the thalams’

——————–

 

‘I’m glad that you are a gifting a Kanchi sari for all our friends
When they come home for bommakolu’

‘Kanchi pattu for Bommakolu? Who told you?’

‘They all said’

‘That is their trick. They know that you will get excited , come running and prompt me and I will rush to the Chettiar shop and buy saris to keep up my prestige. Cunning women!’

‘They saw you in the Chettiar shop this morning’

‘I went to buy a sari for myself’

‘Why for you, now? Last year you bought one sari’

‘I did, yes. Your friends didn’t and they are roaming about with no wrappings! Awaiting for my gift !’

‘You seems to be in angry mood, Ammalu’

‘No, I’m very pleased with my husband who wants me to buy twenty saris and gift to his old friends but can’t tolerate my buying a sari for my use’

 

I blamed my wife when my iPad was not getting charged.

‘Change your charger,’ she suggested.

‘I will change my wife,’ I yelled at her.

‘Do that, if you have courage,’ she warned.

‘The iPad is getting charged,’ I said.

The iPad is getting charged. Even the iPad charger is afraid of Ammalu!

---

‘Ammalu, I’m sure your friends have some good words about me’

‘Yes, they do have, but they don’t tell me. They are polite!’

---

 

‘Ammalu, what is the name of the lady who came last for the Kolu, last evening’

‘My mom came last’

‘What is her name?’

‘Let me ask her and tell you. I too forgot ‘

‘No, no. You don’t do that. I will find out from my ‘pending -dues
list’

‘If her name is in that list, you would not have forgotten. That shows she has cleared the dues. But, she remembers your name. So, settle her dues, today, now, in another thirty seconds, as she is standing behind you and I want your nose intact to smell from the distance and appreciate the aroma of my food’

——————————

‘When is your fiftieth birthday, asked poornakumbeswari, yesterday’

‘What was your answer?’

‘I smiled proudly. Didn’t say a word. I’m sure she would have understood’

‘Yes, she would have. Your smile said it. I’m sure she would have watched your smile’

‘Yes, Ammalu. She did. She too smiled back’

‘That shows she had noticed your vacant space in your mouth and assessed your fiftieth birthday date, approximately’

‘Approximately?’

‘There are still two back- broken teeth precariously hanging from the roof. Once those too fall, she will judge your age correctly’

‘Let the Sun rise in the West, let the stars rise in the mid noon. I will love you and you alone, Ammalu’

‘The question is not that. Can you love me and me alone when the sun rises in the East and the stars rise after sunset?’

---

‘Ammalu, behave and talk like the wife of a man of repute. A man of great respect. People are watching you’

‘People are watching you for that behavior. Even animals. Yesterday, raising your head and straightening your body like a stick, when you asked, facing the empty space, in the Shivaji Ganesan style, ‘evarakkada, who’s there?’, our cow KalyAni answered, ‘mae!’

‘Ammalu, don’t you have any other work other than watching my movements ?’

‘I work fifteen hours a day. Shouldn’t I have some fun and pastime?’

‘My movements are funny for me?’

‘Not for me. For our cow KalyAni. ‘Mae!’

—————//———-

Wonder why you want to come to attend my talks meant exclusively for intelligent people of high caliber?’

‘Just to alert you sitting among the audience, by body signal when you quote fabricated quotations from people never lived, so that with your intelligence you can modify the sentence’

‘So, you have no doubt about my intelligence supremacy over you’

‘No, that is why I’m correcting you’

---

 

 

 

Ammalu, what will be your reaction if you happen to see me dancing with another woman?’

‘Let me see your action first; then you will see my reaction!’

————————–

There are several similarities between us and Pattu-Pattabhi couple. You agree, Ammalu?’

‘Yes, Pattu talks sensibly’

‘Pattabhi and me talk nonsense?’

‘I don’t know much about Pattabhi’

‘That means I talk nonsense?’

‘Do you want me to prepare your lunch or waste time in arguing with you?’

‘Food is my priority and you know that’

‘Now, you talk sensibly’