Category: A10 — AMMULU STORIES AND OTHER FUN FOUNTAINS

“Every husband, what did I say, Ammalu ?”
“Every husband”
“Yes, at one time or other develops a disappointment that had he waited a little longer or had his star been a little brighter, he would have married a woman, better in looks than his wife”
“you too had that disappointment?”
“I know that your ears have become ornamental. That was why I got it reconfirmed from you that you heard the two words, ‘every husband’ correctly”
“Like you, I too would like to have a reconfirmation from you. Did you have that disappointment?”
“Yes, I had. Did you too have similar disappointment?”
“No. I was confident that I could mould any raw clay to the doll of my liking”
“Did you succeed? I’m not an ordinary clay, Ammalu. I’m a granite- clay. What clay?”
“Granite- clay”
“Correct. Did you succeed in moulding me , to your liking. Say, ‘yes’ or ‘no’”
“No”
“So, you lost?
“No, I won”
“How?”
“I molded myself to make you walk behind me holding the end of my sari, always. What did I say SP Sir?”
“Sorry, Ammalu. My ears have turned ornamental”
“No problem. Leave my sari -end, please. I have work in the kitchen”

“Morning mother- like. Was passing this way. Just dropped in to say ‘hello’. How are you mother- in- law?”
“Good”
“It is always a pleasure to meet a lady with a pleasant face like you. It is always a pleasure to talk to a lady with sweet voice like you”
“Thank you”
“Can I have a cup of coffee please? It is always a pleasure to drink even a cup of water from your sweet hands”
“I will give water first. Then, you have to do a small help. Our cowherd Govindan is absent today. Milk the cow, leave a liter here and supply the rest to my three customers. By the time, you are back, I will prepare coffee and wait for you”
“You want me to milk your cow and door deliver the liquid to your customers? Has any mother -in- law, ever asked her daughter’s husband to milk the cow and door deliver ?”
“SP, we know each other for how many years? Fifty long years. Don’t play any tricks with me. I have already made coffee for you. Drink quietly, go home and don’t ask my daughter for coffee again. What will be the punishment if you do that?”
“Milk the cow and door -deliver the milk”
“No, taking it out for grazing”
——————————
“Your daughter is becoming too romantic, MIL. and I don’t like it”
“What happened? I was told that you love romanticism”
“When I talked to a friend, she pulled my shirt back”
“You were talking to a male or female friend?”
‘A female”
“Then, her act was to prevent you from talking nonsense. There was no romance in it”
“Once she pinched my bum too”
“That would have been to prevent you uttering absolutely nonsensical words. No romance in that too”
“And once she pulled my ears and knocked my head ”
“That was to prevent a head on collision with your female friend and consequent explosion. No romance in that too”
“Then what is romance, the oldest lady in our family?”
“Romance at your age is simply enjoying the company of each other, husband and wife, no outsider, no pinching the bum or knocking the head, you at your work, she at her work. You don’t, anyway, doesn’t like romance and there is no meaning in telling what romance is, to you”
———————————

“Madam Mother in law, I’m sorry to learn that our ChAru and Chuppu broke their relationship on a flimsy ground”
“On a flimsy ground? You know the real reason?’
“What was that?”
“See, he believes that men wear waist-belt purely for holding pants firm to waist.
She disputes and argues, ‘If that is the only purpose why not use a coir or jute rope?
Leather belt is a lavish style wear,’”
“Is it a valid point for the family- break?”
“There was a second one. Chuppu believes and mentions often that marriages are arranged in Heaven. ChAru disputes and argues, ‘no, my marriage was arranged by my mom”.
“MiL, they haven’t told you the truth. There might be a very valid reason. I know how cheats husbands are”
“Ammalu also knows”
——————————————
MML, the whole world praises me except you and your daughter”
“Then, that is not the whole world. There is hole in your statement”
“MML, the hole is in your daughter’s head. My modesty prevents me to say that the hole is in her mother’s head too”
“Those holes are well covered, SP. Your hole is open. Dangerous.
————————————————–
“Ammalu, the grand old 9 yards in the 7 th street is your mom. That doesn’t mean that for any thing and everything you should call for her help. what am I here for?”
“Ok, the replacement gas cylinder is yet to come, though I had booked a week ago. On your way, please remind Ramaswamy, the delivery boy or the manager Krishnaswamy”
“Ammalu, your mom, being a religious person, is the ideal one to deal with Swamies. All Swamies will run away at my sight. Please inform your mom”
“Ok, at least call the plumber Aziz in the eight street. He is not responding my calls”
“Ammalu, the eighth street is next to the seventh. Walking distance for your mom. A short walk will tune her worn-out leg muscles too”
“Ok, Ammini’s grinder is ready for collection in the 12 th street”
“I’m going, Ammalu. Your friend is my friend”
“Sorry, she is no more my friend and therefore she is not your friend too.
I don’t want you to move from here for another three days”.
——————————————-
“I’m not here to complaint about your daughter, MML”
“MML? Mother -like mother in law, SP?”
“No. Maha Mother in Law. I’m not here to complaint about your daughter”
“You told that and I heard you. Have you, anything new to say?’
“Yes. You are growing old”
“You are growing young SSL?”
“An extra ‘S’ for ‘super’?”
“For ‘stupid’. You have anything more to say?”
“Yes. Take back your daughter”
“OK, give back whatever I gave you”
“500 Rs. Old notes ?”
“No. 3 laddus, 5 bajjiies, one bowlful pakoda, two plantains, two big cupful coffee, hot, hot, I gave you on the eve of your marriage”
“Mom, i have an urgent work in the next street. Shall meet you tomorrow.
Take care”
“You will come tomorrow with my daughter, my son?”
“No, mom. She is busy with her music students”
————————————————
“Generally, what is your opinion about me, Ammalu?”
“Very good”
“Will you tell this to your mom?”
“No”
“Why?”
“Her opinion, already about you, is very very good”
“That additional ‘very’ is not very good. It looks a bit dangerous”
“Now you know why I didn’t tell her”
“Very, very thoughtful decision on your part, Ammalu”
“That additional ‘very’ is OK, SP?”
“Nothing is okey when it comes to you and your mom, my old queen”
“I’m aware of that. That is why I’m coolerant”
“What is ‘coolerant’, my darling?”‘
“A new word assembled by me to say, ‘I’m very, very tolerant’”
“Appa Iyer School product is amazing!”
“Not all. Ammalu is amazing”
—————————–
 
 
 
 
 
 

“Keep a watch on your husband’s movements, Ammalu”
“Mom, he is not a kid; nor a teenager, not even a middle aged one. He is an old man. What type of watch do you want me to have on him?”
“Just to ensure that he doesn’t slip and fall!”
“Oh, I’m relieved. I thought you were about to throw a bomb at me!”
“You need a bouquet, not a bomb for the clever coverage of your husband as a least troublesome old man!”
“Mom, you don’t believe, he is old?”
“You don’t believe! ”
————————————————–
“When I take you for a party, I feel bad that you can’t talk in English, Ammalu”
“I haven’t met a single English man so far, in any of the parties. Whhy should you feel bad? You have forgotten your mother tongue and so, you talk in English. I haven’t. Incidentally, SP, your English is sub-standard. Even my mom says so”
“Oh, your is Oxford English? You both are Appa Iyer School dropouts and I know the standard of that school”
“Appa Iyer School didn’t teach us a word of English”
“Then, how did you learn English? . Which good- for- nothing fellow taught you that language?”
“It was not a fellow. We both learned English reading your stories. If your stories are good- for- nothing, is it our mistake?”
——————————————————————
“Everything fine, SP? You have not unreeled any complaint so far, against my daughter!”
“DIL, your daughter is a gem. I’m telling you from my heart. Had you given birth to another eight gems, I would have married all of them”
“Praises to God for His premonition and prevention of a disaster. I’m telling you from my heart, SP”
——————————————————————-
At times your behavior is abnormal, Ammalu.
In Ammini’s birthday party, only close friends were present and they all knew our relationship. Why did you like a fool, introduce me as your husband, while addressing them?”
“The way some of the women there behaved with you in the party, gave me a suspicion whether they are aware of our relationship or not. Repetition and reconfirmation, at times help us, you see”
“Don’t say, ‘helps us’ . It helps you, perhaps”
” I know you are my husband”
—————————————————
“Madam, severe memory loss. Can you help me please?”
” Sure, did you forget your name?”
“Not mine, my wife’s”
“Ammini?”
“Oooooz! If my wife hears that name there will be instant floods”
“Parukkutty, Parameswary, Panki”
” cho, cho, if my wife hears those names there will be tsunami”
“I failed in kindling your memory. Name a person whom, you love most, fear most, obey most”
“Ammalu”
“That is your wife’s name! And I’m that woman!”
“Thank you Ammalu. Mine was not a memory loss alone. I lost, temporarily my sight too. Oh, too many loses!”
“You have lost nothing , as long as you haven’t lost me”
——————————–
When guests come, you do all the talk, as if I’m nobody here. Allow me also to open my mouth when relatives, especially my relatives, visit us, Ammalu”
“There are no ‘your relatives’ and ‘my relatives” but only ‘our relatives’. It is the duty of the lady of the house to receive and treat guests, and I’m doing only my job.
I never said that you should not talk to them. My only objection was that you should not simply stand before them, mouth opened, especially when there are ladies among the guests”
“Jam- packed jealousy”
“Love that language. From your mouth alone can flow such English”
“No more misunderstanding on mouth – opening, I hope”
—————————————
“I’m glad that I married you, Ammalu”
“I’m excited that you said it after 50 years!”
———————————
“Ammalu, ‘there is a woman behind every man’s success’, they say.
In our house, it is opposite. I’m behind your success”
“You are only behind me. I’m your success, SP garu”
——————————
“As per our old practices, from the day one of their wedding, the husband should sit and the wife should stand. Always stand. Hope you are taught this by your father, Ammalu”
“My father told me, when I was sitting on his lap and you were standing before me to tie the maangalya soothram, ‘Ammalu, see him standing before you, while you are sitting. Always maintain this position. That is the practice, passed on to us from generation to generation. Always remember this’”
———————————
Ammalu, answering the phone call is more important for you than serving me food? where are pappads?”
“In the kitchen, at the usual place, in the usual dabba And pappads are in the usual round shape. What else do you want?”
“Stop joking ,you old woman. Every nook and corner of the kitchen, I h’ve searched”
“Fridge?”
“Sorry, Ammalu. I w’ll search now. I blamed you unnecessarily”
————————
“You know how much I earn per month? You should, as you are keeping the money. Who appointed you as the custodian and controller of my earnings, may I know, madam?”
“Your mom. She said soon after our wedding, ‘my son has no control over his mind, tongue and money. From now on, you are going to control all the three’. Of the three, I could control only your money and so, it is safe”
 
 
 

Hei, SP. How are you? Alone? Where is Nirmala madam?”
“I’m good. Thank you. Who is Nirmala madam?”
“Your wife”
“What? My wife is Ammalu and she is a mami and not a madam”
“But, the other day you introduced Nirmala as your wife, when we met in a cafeteria”
“I told you Nirmala was my wife on the stage. You didn’t hear me properly”
“I never knew that you are an actor . Does Ammalu madam knows that you acts?”
“She does”
“And she doesn’t grumble?”
“No.That is why she remains as a mami. Ammalu doesn’t act. Nirmala acts well ”
“I know she does”
“You have seen her acting?”
“She acts with me ”
“So, you too are an actor?”
“No, I’m her husband”
————————————————–
Our family astrologer, soon after my birth had predicted that my brain would grow and grow like the great monkey God Hanuman’s body while crossing the ocean.
It did grow as he predicted but the moment I married your daughter, it’s growth stopped completely”
“Not the moment you married my daughter, but from your first DeepAvali after marriage”
“How, Madam mother in law?”
“You remember my giving you the traditional Deepavali bath and applying oil on your head?”
“Yes, I do. That was the privilege of wife. Why didn’t you allow Ammalu to do that?’
“She was too small then and her tender hands had no strength to apply enough force on your head”
“Why force? It was something be done tenderly”
“For others, not for you. Even at that young age of early teens, your head was swollen with arrogance. I was looking for an opportunity to level that swollen head. And I got it. And I used it effectively”
“So with your Ayurvedic treatment, my arrogance evaporated?”
“Unfortunately, no. It was the oil that evaporated in the heat of your arrogance. Arrogance remained”
“MML. You are wrong and I’m sorry to say that. Your daughter removed my arrogance, lock, stock, and barrel on the first night, we met in privacy?”
“She did? How?”
“She said,”either you behave or lie on the floor below my cot, till I get into sleep
—————————————–
“With a reasonable accuracy, I can tell you Madam ML, that your daughter’s brain needs cleaning”
“She says the same about your brain development with ‘absolute accuracy’. Don’t you think I should go by an absolute accurate research finding, rather than your reasonably accurate finding?”
“In which elementary school did you graduate, my respected MML?. The Same Appaiyer Academy which sharpened the intelligence of your daughter?’
“You expect me to give you an absolute accurate information?”
‘”Naturally”
“Certainly not in the same school, you studied”
“There were many road – side schools in our village in the last century”
“Yes, I’m from one of them. And yours was the one which stood not on the road side but in the center of the Kalpathy River or Perinkulam pond?”
“Being an elderly person, your talk deserves better diplomacy, MML”
“Sorry for my undiplomatic arrogance. I will behave properly now.
SP, go back home and remove the weeds from your lawn. Remove the weeds from your brain too. See you tomorrow, when I come to insect your garden and your brain”
———————————————————–
“MAdam ML, your daughter was away for the whole day. You know how much I enjoyed?’
“Yes, she told me she too enjoyed”
“My absence?”
“No your frantic phone calls asking why she was spending so much time in the function”
————————————-
“SP, Ammalu is not here. You can go and search the whole house, cowshed and backyard”
“Madam ML. No need to search. I know she is here”
“How?”
“By smell! We don’t need eyes or ears to search for each other”
“Like cat and rat?”
“Like flower and honey bee”
“Glad some poetry is still left in you”
“Not poetry, romance, old woman, romance! You will never understand how the young mind works!”
“Now I understood. Thank you. Your wife, proudly smiles over there behind curtain”
Ocala.
March19, 2015
——————————————

Mother in law, I have now come with a complaint”
“When did you come here without a complaint against my daughter?”
“Now my complaint is against you”
“Go ahead, but be precise. I have other works to do”
“I have married your daughter. You know that, I suppose. So, she is my wife.
If she is my wife, by the the law of reciprocality, I’m her husband. If I’m her husband and she my wife, you are my mother in law”
“By which law?”
“The law of maternity”
“Ok, now come to the core point or move towards the door point”
“Any difference between me and my dear wife, we will settle without any external interference. You told Ammini that we think differently. There was no need for that”
“SP, I never said that. What I told her was, you wink differently from Ammalu. You remember, yesterday, when I yelled at you for misplacing my eyeglasses and hearing aid, Ammalu winked at you and asked you to ignore my scolding. You too winked, in response and said,’poor thing she can neither see nor hear.”
So, MiL, the great, without aids you could see and hear. I will donate your hearing aid to Ammini”
“By which law is that?”
“Law of generosity”
Ocala, Florida
March 25, 2015

“Was there any calls for me, Ammalu?”
“From males or females?”
“That is not your problem. You give the name and I will somehow decipher the gender”
“One Gopi Krishna called”
“Gopi is her name and Krishna her husband’s ? Or was it a male with name Gopikrishna?’”
“No idea”
“Why didn’t you ask that person?”
“Recall your instruction: ‘don’t say a word if the caller is a female’”
“So, you knew it was a female”
“I didn’t. But mostly, the feminine voices come in for you, more frequently”
“Was she soft in her talk?’
“So, you have concluded that it was a ‘she’?”
“An innocent guess. Anyway, don’t worry. It might be our Kamalakshi”
“She is not ‘our’ Kamalakshi, might be yours. Anyway, it was not she who called.
She is in our backyard. I passed on your call to her. Ask her, who called”
“Why did you pass on my call to her?”
“Why not? She is our Kamakshi. Or your Kamakshi, to be precise”
“Ammalu, I have no other ‘akshies’, other than you.. Let it be clearly understood”
“So, I can ask the name if the next call is feminine?”
“Ammalu, don’t act that fast. Give me some time to think. ‘Give a single key, to your wife; not the whole bunch’ said my Guru”
“Poor SP! That single key is in the bunch and the bunch is with me!”
 
Ocala, Florida
March 24, 2015

Certainly not a dream, could be the effect of a small dose of the plain soda, I had in the party, last night.
I was lying on the ‘thinnai’, raised platform, of our village house. Star – filled sky, full moon in its full glory. I saw Appa my father, getting down the clouds and walking towards me with his pride and powerful look.
He cites a mantram
‘Prapayamidam viswamethath sameadhi
Yadanthara pitharm matharum cha ‘
”Ithu enna Upanishad- in which Upanishad is this sooktam appearing ?”
He asked, looking into my eyes to see whether I was flapping.
”Brihadaaraniakam”
”Artham- Meaning ?”
”The sky is described here as pitha’ or father, the earth as matha or mother. Everything in between these two, reach ultimately at a single point—-” I could not complete .
”Tell me in Tamiz or Malayalam” He ordered , “Nan enna unnaimathri Englisha paditchirukkaen -Have I learned , English like you ? ”
I told him the meaning in Malayalam.
”Always think broad, always think deep,”
He advised. ”I liked that ‘everything’ of yours, with my little English knowledge. Yes , every thing- pasu, pakshi, parvatham, naadi- everything, animals, mountains, rivers, everything moves toward a single goal and once you reach that goal, there is only one, not many ”
“What say, Ammalu?”
“What you had in the party was not plain soda”
Sent from my iPa

“Every husband, what did I say, Ammalu ?”
“Every husband”
“Yes, at one time or other develops a disappointment that had he waited a little longer or had his star been a little brighter, he would have married a woman, better in looks than his wife”
“you too had that disappointment?”
“I know that your ears have become ornamental. That was why I got it reconfirmed from you that you heard the two words, ‘every husband’ correctly”
“Like you, I too would like to have a reconfirmation from you. Did you have that disappointment?”
“Yes, I had. Did you too have similar disappointment?”
“No. I was confident that I could mould any raw clay to the doll of my liking”
“Did you succeed? I’m not an ordinary clay, Ammalu. I’m a granite- clay. What clay?”
“Granite- clay”
“Correct. Did you succeed in moulding me , to your liking. Say, ‘yes’ or ‘no’”
“No”
“So, you lost?
“No, I won”
“How?”
“I molded myself to make you walk behind me holding the end of my sari, always. What did I say SP Sir?”
“Sorry, Ammalu. My ears have turned ornamental”
“No problem. Leave my sari -end, please. I have work in the kitchen”
—————————————————
“Ammalu, can I have a word in confidence with you?”
“What do you mean? Other than you and me, is there anyone here?”
“Ammalu, I don’t know how to make you understand?”
“No need. You be where you are and I will be where I’m”
——————–
“Hugging is very common in America, madam mother in law. Man hugs man, woman hugs man. Very common there”
“You are going to hug some one or some one is going to hug you, son in law?”
“I was just alerting. In case a woman hugs me, you should not fall unconscious ”
“Why should I bother man? Go and tell your wife”
“I told her”
“What was her response? Did she swoon?”
No. Crisp was her reply. ‘tell me only if a bear hugs you’.
———————————————————-
“Chottae, kid, aren’t you my sister in law’s sister’s son?”
“No, mottae”
“You call me mottae, old man?”
“Aren’t you?”
“Aren’t you my brother in law’s brother’s son?”
“No”
“You might be somebody’s son, I’m sure”
“I’m your son, dad”
“Don’t Agee. What proof do you have?”
“I haven’t not acquired your irreparably irritating tongue or irrevocably damaged commonsense. But, I have inherited from my mother, the magnanimously matured thoughts and benevolent blend of compassion and consideration for the fellow beings. I’m not boastful like my beastly behavioral bappa, that is father but I’m like my lovely, long haired, logistically thinking, lenient mother of long lasting love and—-”
“Enough, son. Enough. No more proof is required . That language is mine. So, you are mine”
“Tube light like -brain, dad. When I responded your ‘chottae’, with my ‘mottae’, you should have recognized me”
——————————————————–”
“Touching the foot of a woman other than your wife? Aren’t you ashamed, old man?”
“Gracious ML, she had a thorn stuck in her sole. . Poor thing she came all the way limping”
“Was she that poor not to have a safety pin hanging from the chain on her breast?’
” I look only at the feet of women other than my wife, melodious mother in law”
“My daughter was laughing at your stupidity. I’m sorry for your behavior SP”
“Ammalu is my wife. She knows how pure I’m in mind and body. That was why she didn’t yell at me but laughed. For me, all women except you, are incarnations of Goddess Mahalakshmi”
“And I’m the incarnation of devil?”
“No. You are the incarnation of Kali, BadrakAli.”
“Ok. I will remember your words when you ask for bus fare back home, next time”
“MAtha, Marakatha shyAma, remember, there are small thorns in your backyard too”
“Don’t worry. I won’t come to you limping. I always keep a safety pin with me”
—————————————
“Sir, you know whose mobile number this is ?”
“How do I know man? You expect me to keep a directory?”
“Sorry, I thought this could be your wife’s number?”
“My wife doesn’t have a mobile. Even if she has one, she will never give the number to me. She fears that I have a knack of attracting her friends to my friends’ list”
“That is OK Sir. Just have a look at this number. Only for my satisfaction”
“Oh, man! This is the number of my mobile which I lost recently”
“You lost? How Sir?”
“While scaling the Mount Everest!. Why are you bothered how I lost and where I lost?”
“Sorry Sir, you are joking. Cell phones are not allowed on the mountains. Have you lodged any complaint, Sir.? This is my last question”
“No, I haven’t. I won’t . I have better works to do than being after the police constables”
“Thank you, Sir. That is the information I wanted”
“Why? You wanted to opt for this number?”
“No, sir. I have the phone with me”
“You scoundrel, stole my phone? Where did you find it?”
“Below the Mount Everest, Sir”
————————————
“Madam ML, ask your daughter not to treat me as her watchman?”
“What happened SP? Why an early morning visit with a complaint? What happened at home?
Did she ask you not to keep the gate opened?”
“No, she asked me to close the gate. It seems she forgot to close it behind her and went straight into the kitchen. How can your daughter forget such an important issue ?”
“Don’t worry. I will ask her not to forget from now on. Yesterday, she asked you to book for the gas cylinder. I’m sure you would have done it”
“Woo, ML. I forgot. I will do it now”
“Bought washer for the pressure cooker?’
“Extremely sorry, peddamma garu. I will do it now”
“Did you close the gate when you came out?”
“So sorry, the gem of my mom. Will go and close it now”
“If you come again with such a silly complaint about my daughter, I will take back everything I gave you, including my daughter. Go and finish all the jobs Ammalu has asked you to do and come and report”
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

“Ammalu, I want to know whether you are my husband or wife”
“Why that doubt now?’
“Going by your attire you look like my wife. Going by your attitude ,
you behave like my husband”
“Go by my attire, please. And by a lot of clothes so that I can wear a new dress everyday”
“You tax me for any question I ask”
“Don’t ask questions”
“Then, how to get my doubts cleared”
“What doubt?’
“Whether you are my wife or husband”
“Ask our children”
“Children? Are you kidding?”
“Ok, ask my mom. She is elder to you”
“That is a good idea. I will go to your mom’s house just now. Give me two Rupees ”
“For what?”
” It is my earning and when I ask for Rupees for bus fare, you are asking me ‘why?’
“So, who am I, your husband or wife?”
“Now, I understood, Ammalu”
————————————————–
“Your mother would be speaking high about me, Ammalu?”
“Of course, she does”
“How high?”
“Sky high”
“No wonder. She would have been really proud that she got a great man as her son in law”
“Indeed, she was, for the first two days after our weddings”
“Two days?”
“Yes, it took two days for her to know your greatness. For me, it took only one day”
——————————
Ammalu, can I have a word in confidence with you?”
“What do you mean? Other than you and me, is there anyone here?”
“Ammalu, I don’t know how to make you understand?”
“No need. You be where you are and I will be where I’m.
This is not the age for us to understand something which
we have not understood so far”
“You seems to misunderstand me”
” I have missed nothing. I have understood everything.
Good night”
———————————-
“However you might try, you can’t become me, Ammalu.”
“I have stopped trying now”
“Why?”
” I saw you adding more sugar in your coffee. Better, I stay as your wife and control your sugar intake”
—————————-
An intelligent giant like me is not born everyday, in every country, Ammalu”
“I realized that in the first five minutes I spent with you in our first meeting when I was a teen- aged .
That was how I grabbed you. Which girl will miss an opportunity to catch and own a giant?”
“So, you claim that you own me?”
“No more. Soon I realized that you are a giant butterfly! Who can hold a butterfly, small or big?’
——————————————