Category: A10 — AMMULU STORIES AND OTHER FUN FOUNTAINS

“Ammalu, don’t know whether you have noticed or not that there is rhythm, music, melody, poetry, beauty when some women walk”.
“No, I see only the back of their legs and not any melody or music . But, I can tell you one thing. Ammini has arthritic legs. Pattu’s problem is cervical spondylosis. Varicose veins at her calves are troubling Paru. No rhythm or Vedam in the walk of these women, I could observe, except disabilities”
“Vedam has no business to be here, except to rhyme, my hymn, though I like your talk”
“Glad that you liked at least my talk if not my walk. I might lack music in my walk but thank God, no crack in my walk or back”
“Illiteracy gets ignited by intelligent company, my life- company!”
” Better than getting excited seeing art in arthritis just because both words start with the alphabet ‘a’ . Better than seeing sangeeetham, music in Spondylosis or Vedam in varicose veins”
“Vedam’ – why again and again, my heart! !”
“Illiteracy gets ignited by intelligent company, my symphony!”

“Ammalu, drop the idea forever that I’m your dependent. I can open a pan shop and live happily here. You can go and stay with your children luxuriously”
“I want to stay with you only but luxuriously”
“Then, I should open a jewelry shop for which your mother should finance”
“Wonder why should She, SP, fifty long years after our marriage? In her old age, you should take care of her, as you promised before she agreed to our wedding”
“Did I ever give such a promise? Don’t remember anything that happened before or after our wedding. Don’t even remember why I married you”
“Then, open a pan shop and live happily alone. I’m going to my children”
“Your children? Saiba, from where did you bring them? Plucked from trees or fished out of sea? Without me, could you have imagined to acquire those assets and claim as your own?”
“So, you do remember why you married me. Thank you, SP garu”

“Ammalu, your mom bought me for a throwaway price, say Rupees Ten. Now, I’m worth a lac and more. Does you mother know this phenomenal increase in my value?”
“I think she does. Otherwise she wouldn’t have asked me to dispose you off to the highest bidder”
“Are you joking Ammalu?”
“I’m not. The problem is no buyer offers more than twenty to thirty percent of the original value. Should not my mom get at least 50 % of the amount she paid?”
“Are you joking, Ammalu? Am I a tradable commodity for you women?”
“SP, when my mother gave me to you in marriage, she, gave in fact, half her body and mind. When I accepted you as my husband, I gave you my entire body and mind leaving nothing for me. Since then, I am not a separate entity. I stress I’m not even a shadow of you, but you and you and you.
You don’t have mind or intelligence to understand this truth. You have thick volumes of books in your library but a very, very thin layer of human consideration, love, affection in your mind.
There is a limit for anything. I’m leaving. You live happily with your lacks of Rupees and. volumes of books. Good bye, SP Sir”
“Are you joking, Ammalu?”
“Yes, I’m, now !”
“What about that thin layer of something, you mentioned?”
“That thin layer of something too will vaporize, if I go away from you”
“Ammalu, you are a clever woman. The truth is not that. If you leave, I will be also coming with you, as you are not different from me. That won’t be a spring either for your mom or for me”
“SP, you are clever. I’m not leaving you as I’m not tired of hearing your oratory, though lie-laden and stupidity- saturated”
Sent from my iPad

“You think perhaps, that hadn’t you accepted me, I would have remained a life long bachelor”
“Never”
“You think perhaps, that had I married someone else, I wouldn’t have been as happy as I’m now”
“Never”
“Then, what makes you so proud about yourself, Ammalu, my loving wife?”
“Any number of women would have come forward to marry you. You would have come forward to marry all, but had to end in marrying only one woman, thanks to the law of the land, thanks to your stars.
Any woman you marry would have made you happy. It is a very easy job.
But, my dear Pathideva, only I could make you to search all the corners to ensure that Your wife was not anywhere near, before you make a call to your friends. You would have easily swallowed any other woman, however wise she might be, with your sweet words.
Isn’t it something to be proud of, for a poor wife like me, my Lord?”
——————//////—————————————————————
“Ammalu, it is my dream that you should be my student or subordinate, instead of my wife, in the next janma so that I can correct your papers or write your CR”
“I prefer my present status to continue. Without any paper work, I can correct your papers and conduct your conduct”
“Wah, I love that, ‘conduct your conduct’ phrase. From where did you learn, my old woman?
“I copied your papers!”
—————————-
“Ammalu, what day is today?”
“Yesterday was Thursday”
“So, today is Saturday. Thank you. I have recorded our dialogue to show your mom
that you never give a direct answer”
“She knows that you don’t know the seven days of a week. She also knows that you depend on me even to know the day and date. Why proof?”
————————————————————-
“I’m too humble to claim proficiency in Science and Mathematics but can’t avoid au”Ammalu, what day is today?”
“Yesterday was Thursday”
“So, today is Saturday. Thank you. I have recorded our dialogue to show your mom
that you never give a direct answer”
“She knows that you don’t know the seven days of a week. She also knows that you depend on me even to know the day and date. Why proof?”tomatic interspersing of Mathematical signs, symbols and equations, when I talk. Hope it is OK with you, Ammalu”
“Yes, It is”
“Very good. You can always ask for clarification as you won’t understand A,B,C,D of my usage”
“Ok”
“I give you a big plus mark for admitting your bankruptcy in Maths which In fact is in a big minus level”
“Plus is plus and minus is minus. Are there big and small sizes in plus and minus?
3+3 = always six, whether the plus sign is small or big. Right or not ?
Are you really Interspersing your talk with Mathematical signs or with murungaiKai and kathirikkai, drumstick and brinjal, which are quantitative SP, my big plus husband?”
“No arguments, my all plus wife; your elevating my status to big plus, has made me a further humble husband”
—————————————
“Moonlit night, twinkling stars in the sky and dangling pudalangais, snake gourds in the
creeper –”
“SP, this is too much! No more poetry please. Come to the matter straight”
“Why don’t we go for a night out holding hand in hand”
“Night out means?”
“Going out at night, me holding your hand, you holding my hand, stroll through the sands of the Kalpathy river–”
“But why? Why go out at night, why hold hands, why stroll on the sands? ”
“What an unromantic woman you are, Ammalu?”
“Means?”
“A woman who doesn’t appreciate the affectionate advances of her lover”
“I’m not your lover ; I’m your wife!”
“Ok, the wife who doesn’t appreciate the affectionate advanced of her husband”
“Me ? You lier! From where did your children come? Dropped from the sky or dangled from your pudalangai creeper?”
—————————————————-
“Ammalu, if your head won’t bend down by jealousy, let me share a news I heard just now : our Ammini won the first prize in the Musical Chair competition for grannies held
In the school. Not sure whether she got a gold medal or a cash award ”
“Your news is five minutes old. The latest is, our Ammini missed one chair, fell on the ground, her entire weight on her buttocks, not sure which got jammed her body cushioning or the ground . Anyway, in the hospital bed now, that is sure. What is not sure is whether she got gold medal or cash award . I’m waiting for the next bulletin and shall let you know in another five minutes”
——————————————

“Ammalu, I have a humble request to you. When some respectable people like me come to our house to see me, please get up as a way of respect to me and keep standing till they quit”
“Yes, but there is a small problem. once I stand up I won’t be able to stay in that position, for more than a minute. If you can keep supporting me from my back, till your respectable guest quits, the job is done ”
———————————————————–
“Ammalu, don’t go to our backyard at night. If you want curry leaves pluck before sunset”
“You are worried for me as someone said there is a bootham in our drumstick tree?”
“I’m worried for the bootham”
“SP, the drumstick tree- bootham is a Sisu ( baby ) compared to the one I caught and am controlling. So, don’t worry about me ”
——————————————————————-
“Ammalu, this girl Ammini is jealous of me”
“Which girl? Our Ravunni Nair’s daughter?”
“No, Ammalu, our Ammini, my former colleague”
“I’m afraid your age is showing up. The Ammini, you mentioned now is not a girl, she is a muthi , a grandmother like me. She is not our Ammini. She is our friend Nair’s. She is jealous of me, not you, for being the wife of a honest man like you. Understood?”
“Yes, I did. But, I’m sorry you didn’t understand why I said, ‘ our Ammini’. I’m a sanyasi and the whole world belongs to me”
“Wrong. You are not a sanyasi and only me belongs to you, not the whole world”
“You are my world, Ammalu. You are my whole world. Understood?”
“Yes, I did”
“What did you understand?”
“I’m a world and in that world, there is no place for your Ammini or Kummini?”
“Who is this new character, Kummini?”
“Someone whom you will claim as yours, tomorrow”
—————————————————–
Wonder, how his Highness accepted you Asthana Vidwan! What qualification do you have to become a courtier ?”
“Ammalu, the first question the Highness asked me was,’ are you a singer?’
I replied, ‘I sing, but not a singer’
The next question was, ‘are you a poet?’
I replied, ‘I write poems but not a poet’
The minister signaled me to quietly quit but the king asked me, ‘With what merit are you here, to claim a seat in this royal court?’
I replied, ‘your most exalted highness, I’m Ammalu’s husband for over five decades’.
‘No more questions’, said the king and turning to the minister, ordered, ‘Appoint him as our Asthana Vidwan, before some other King grabs this great man, who is carrying out the most difficult job in the world”
“Good that I didn’t come there. The king would have gifted me half his kingdom for living as your wife all these years and you would have been deprived of a coveted position”
———————————————
“Ammalu, I grew so tall not because of your mother’s bottle -feed; you may tell her if you please”
“Sorry, I can’t. She knows that it is my bottle feed behind your height and weight”
———————————————
“SP, your friends have better works to do than reading what you write.
unlike you, they have to take care of their family, help their wife in household duties, bathe their children and take them to school etc”
“What else do they learn from my posts? I translate my practical experience into words. I serve my wife as a sincere unpaid worker and she knows that”
“Oh, my God! So, there is another ‘she’ in your life?”
————————-
“Pity your brain hasn’t grown a millimeter since our marriage, Ammalu”
“Hairs grow, nails grow. Does brain also grow? If I may recapitulate your memory to the high school science lesson, SP Sir, brain grows only during the first few years after birth. When I was two years old about 80% of my brain growth was complete. And when I married you at 12, there was no scope for further growth at all”
“But, your tongue grew enormously?”
“Sheer necessity, to control your abnormal brain growth. Nature always provides some checks and breaks”
—————————
“When I open my eyes, I see you as a lotus, fully blossomed, floating in the lake of my heart.
When I close my eyes, Ammalu, I see you as a crocodile rushing into the river of my heart”
“Lake, first. Then river. The water accumulation in your heart is increasing. Let us consult our physician immediately, before it swells into a sea. Too much water in the body, is too bad, at your age.
And it is imperative you should be able to see me as your wife and not as a flower or an animal”
 
 
 
 

“I have a weakness, Pattabhi. I tell truth in my sleep”
“I too have that weakness. That is why, me and Pattu don’t sleep in the same room.
What about you, SP?”
“We do, as Ammalu knows I’m a sathyaswaroopi. To prevent my sleep-walks, however, she ties bells to both my legs”
“Why to both legs?”
“If I walk out with one leg?”
“Wo! You are a Dharmaswaroopi too”
——           ———————–             ——————–
“How long will you tolerate this wealth- worn out, health- hazarded, memory- marginalized husband, Ammalu?”
“Till your character- erosion”
“If it takes place, will you throw me out?”
“No. I will pinch at a crucial part of your body, which will restore instantly all erosions and bring you back to absolute normalcy and retain it there for ever”
——————–           ———————       —————–
“Full moon was covering the earth and sky with her silver veil, under which was floating a jasmine flower – decorated boat, in the cool waters of Kashmir. Our Pattabhi was humming like a flower bee, a love song from a Hindi movie, lying on the lap of an angel, tasting the honey dripping from her face”
“Are you in your senses, SP? Pattabhi humming Hindi movie songs? When did he go to Kashmir? Why an angel’s lap to recline and relax? What happened to the broad lap of PAttu?”
“While going to Kashmir or any such holiday spots, will any husband take his wife along with him? You seems to be still in the medieval ages, Ammalu”
“Pattabhi needs his wife’s company even while going for bath!”
“Ha, ha. Ammalu. You are perfectly right. Hear the full story. Where did I stop?”
“Honey dripping into Pattabhi’s mouth from the angel’s face ”
“Yes, exactly at that moment, comes there PAttu like a typhoon”
“Pattabhi jumped into the lake?”
“No, he tied up his dothy and rushed into the kitchen to make coffee. It was after all,
a dream!”
—————————                   ——————–
“Ammalu, when you stand before me, I don’t see you as my wife. I see you as my mother, elder sister, mother’s elder sister and in such forms and shapes. What does it means?”
“It means your requirement for a wife is no more there”
“So, time for me to go for an ocher or yellow or red robe?”
“No, you are not ready yet. You still see only woman forms and shapes. That should go”
“Then, when should I see?”
“A black board ?”
“Black board? For what?”
“To study how to see wife as a wife and nothing else, starting from A B C D”
————————                    ——————
“I’m the only husband in our group, who has the autocratic wrench- like grip and control on my wife. The others have surrendered themselves shamelessly before their women bringing disgrace to the Male gender . Nair cooingly calls, ‘Ammu, Ammu’, Pattabhi blabbers ,’pattooooooooo, pattooooo and Asadu Ammanji clings on his wife’s sari, chirping ,’Mol, mol’”
“I appreciate that grip, autocratic, wrench-like grip on me. Just do me a favour please. My sari is washed and kept on the table. I’d you don’t mind, press and put it back in my wardrobe”
“Yes, Aalu”
“And my blouses too”
“Yes, Maalu”
“I’m Ammalu and not Aalu or Maalu”
“Yes, Ammalu”
“OK. Now you may loosen a bit your autocratic wrench -like grip, please.
It is too tight”
—————————          ———————-
” Are you younger or elder to me, Ammalu? All sorts of doubts I’m getting nowadays ”
“How does it matter? Even if you had this doubt fifty years ago at the time of our marriage, it wouldn’t have mattered”
“Then, what would have really mattered?”
“Our gender!”
——————–                          ————————-
“How long are you going to lie prostrated before me, holding my legs firmly, Ammalu? Get up. I have already blessed you for the new year”
“I’m unable to get up. Please lift me up”
“Lift you up? I’m not able to bend my body and somehow if I bend, won’t be able to raise up.”
“Then let us be like this till our servant maid comes”
“That means another four hours! Are you crazy?”
“It is said truth can shake a mountain. What were you searching in my mom’s masala box, last evening? . You told her that you were looking for your missing ring, which was an unadulterated lie. Tell the truth please. Then I will get up”
“Ammalu, I was looking for a four anna coin to give your Vishukkaineettam”
“Ok. Give me that coin. Even an invalid money is a valuable gift from you”
 
 
 

Did you chat this morning with a Facebook friend called Nany?”
“Not Nany; She is Any. Your knowledge of English names is not up to the mark”
“She is a woman; that is important. Not the name. When she wrote, ‘be in touch”,
Did you ask ‘when to touch, where to touch’?”
“Was it a crime, Ammalu? When she asked to be in touch, I asked when and where? Was that wrong?. How did you know? She called you? How old is she? Hoe does she look?”
“She looks good. A nice lady. She said while leaving, “you teach SP how to touch also. He didn’t ask me but I know he doesn’t know”
———————————————————-
“Why is Pattabhi standing at the gate, Ammalu? What prevents him coming inside?”
“He quarreled with his wife ”
“Then, he should have waited outside their gate and not here”
“It seems you have some theories of reconciliation. He wants them. Please go and help your friend”
“Oddamma oddu. You remember long time ago, when they quarreled, Pattabhi took me along with him, made me to wait at the gate, went in to apply my theory of reconciliation and failed to come out. After waiting in the hot sun for an hour,
I returned”
“That theory won’t work now. They, both have become old. Suggest some new theories, if you have”
————————————————————
My face shines like a mirror, says Ammini”
“Naturally. You used a new blade for shaving after twenty years!
And why that bandage on your finger? Got cut by the new blade?”
“No, Ammalu, the finger got jammed in the door- gap”
“How many times haven’t I told you not to push the tooth paste tube into that gap, to extract the last drop? Are you short of money ? What are you doing with all the money so saved? Are you maintaining a second house?”
“What does it means, Ammalu?”
“Another house and another wife”
“Don’t say such harsh words. I will push my finger into that gap again”
“So, it was not the Colgate paste, but your finger that you pushed! May I know why, Sir? Did my mother ask you this morning, the question about the sharing, I asked
you ? I heard her yelling at you”
“No, it was the tooth paste only. Your mom wanted a new tooth paste tube.
I bought one but thought why give the whole tube to the old lady with hardly half a dozen teeth. So, tried to transfer half the quantity into a bottle and in that effort got my finger injured”
“Why the help of a door joint ? By just pressing, you could have transferred some quantity, if your miserly mind doesn’t allow the transfer of the full tube?”
“That was to ensure the transfer of exactly half the quantity so that later I can reclaim it. Moreover, when someone mentions tooth paste, I think of the door- gap.
When someone mentions your name—”
“You remember Ammini, Paru, ChAru, PAttu —”
“No. I remember your mother and 50% tooth paste, she owes me!”
—————————————————
“Mother -in- law Mahan, everything is fine at home. We are leading a happy, married life. I do all the work and your daughter watches all TV serials, seated comfortably on the sofa.”
“So, the sofa is there! I was about to give a police complaint”
“Mom, that old piece, as old as you are or even older, was willingly gifted to us with your own hands. Forgetfulness is a curse in the old age”
“Yes, but I have not forgotten many things you said, to grab my daughter, including that
that were three sofas in your hall”
“Did I say so, madam? I don’t remember now. Forgetfulness is a curse even for young men like me”
“That is fine. I will come along with you and stay permanently there. I can’t sit or sleep on the floor. My cow Kavery too will accompany me . Take care of her”
‘And milk her and distribute milk?”
“Yes, take her out for grazing too”
“I will just order three new sofas for you, MiL”
“No. I want only my old sofa”
“It will be here in another hour, madam”
“There is a Hartal today. How will you get it ?”
“By head-load. Carrying a sofa on my head is much easier than pulling an animal, as adamant as your daughter, through the street”
————————————————-
 
“

“Excuse me Sir. Could you tell me whose mobile number this is?”
“My grand father’s.! Why do you bother me, man? Do I have a phone directory with me?”
“I just wanted to know whether this is your wife’s phone number?”
“If so what?”
“I wanted to know whether she lost her mobile and if so, has she lodged a complaint?”
“Show me the number. OMG, this is my phone number. I lost my mobile a couple of days before”
“How Sir?’
“While scaling the Mount Everest!”
“Don’t know why you angry. Mobile phones are not allowed in mountain expeditions. They would have allowed you as a special case, to call for help. One last question, Sir, anyway. Have you lodged a police complaint?”
“No and will never. I have better work to do”
“Thank you, Sir. That was all what I wanted to know”
“Why, you got my phone?’
“Yes sir!”
“You scoundrel! From where did you get it?”
“From the Mount Everest”

“Madam, mother in law, I’m half your age and therefore have no right to advice you”
“True. You can suggest, request, appeal”
“Thank you. I’m told that your prepared a will for your assets, yesterday. May I know where I stand?”
“All my immovable properties, house, agriculture lands etc will be in my daughter’s name. Movable properties in your name”
“Cash in the bank is movable property, right?”
“No way. Cow in the shed, is”
“Cow! What do I do with her?”
“Milk, graze, sell the milk and products to the Rama Vilas Hotel”
“My mother, but not real mother ! What an injustice for your most loved only son?”
“But not real son!”
“Cash is a movable property. From hand to hand it moves. Why didn’t you include that in my list?”
“You are taking of the old days, SP. Now, like your age, cash stands still and doesn’t move an inch, after a certain stage”
—————————————————-
“Mother – in – law. I’m very angry. I have a question for you and say ‘yes’ or ‘no’.
The family -life of your daughter depends on your answer.
The one and only question:
Is it true, you changed the birth star of your daughter, with the help of your astrologer, with the sole purpose of marrying her to me?”
“Yes, I did . But, that was nothing compared to what your astrologer did for us?”
“What did he do? Did he change my birth planet?”
“No. He changed the person! He promised to bring the prince of Palakkad, with golden turban with rows of glistening pearls hanging from it, seated on the back of a white steed, holding a long sword in a diamond studded case. Instead, on the wedding eve, it was you who stood before us with a Chaplain cap and borrowed mustache”
“You could have reject me?”
“I didn’t as Ammalu liked your borrowed mustache and her dad liked your Chaplin cap”
“But you were the deciding authority, neither your submissive hubby nor your oppressive daughter”
“I too liked you. When I asked for your qualification, you sang, nodding your head happily and clapping hands, “abcdefg, hijklmnop—”
—————————————-
” just knock the door and enter. You are welcome to my room, anytime Ammalu”
“You are welcome to enter my room, as per the time table for visitors, displayed on my door, SP”
“Ammalu, I’m an outsider for you?”
“Naturally. If I have to enter your room only after alerting you or seeking your permission, I’m an outsider for you. So, you too are an outsider for me. We are not in America SP garu.”
“That ‘garu’ is to reconfirm that we are not in America, Ammalu?”
“Any amount of reconfirmation won’t be a waste with men who tried to be smarter than their wives”
“I’m not smarter than you, my fifth- failed female partner?”
“That needs no reconfirmation, na Pathidevudua”
———————————-
“SP Sir. Why don’t you behave like any other husband?
‘ I want water’ – just three words. I would get the message and you get the water.
Instead, You used four sentences, with similes, metaphors, adjectives, adverbs and all other tricks. ! All high- sounding, low value or no value stuff.
You recite a sloka from Kalidasa, a theory from Archimedes, a slogan from a political party – trouble for you and torture for me?”
“Ammalu, women have many weapons, powerful. We, husbands have only words as our weapon, armor, tool and telescope”
“Telescope?”
“Yes, telescope. We use long sentences to watch your facial expressions and body movements to ascertain how our words are received and once we are convinced you are totally confused, we introduce the subject, conquer your mind”
“That is an irritating, injuring, irresponsible statement of an insensitive male , who knows no difference between a communist and a cartoonist and a Kathakali artist.
Do you know the difference between a telescope, periscope, horoscope and a laparoscope ? Do you know the connection between your ear and throat and nose? Why did you cough when the audiologist removed wax from your ear? Have you thought about it? That is advaitham. No two. Only one”.
“Water!”
“Good. So my telescope worked. What I wanted you to say in three words, you said in one word and I got the message. Will you be precise, now on, SP Sir?”
“I will. One more weapon in your armory !”
———————————-
SP, you are a gentle man”
“I’m aware if it; anyway thank you. I feel excited when a good friend like you mentions that in the presence of my mother”
“Your mother, where is she ?”
“By your side in blue jeans and White T shirt”
“Crazy fellow, you have gone blind? She is my sweet wife”
“For me, all women, except my own wife, are my mothers”
“So, you are not an ordinary gentleman. You are a perfect gentleman!”
“I’m, thank you”
 

“Ammalu, that idiot in the corner house asked me a foolish question:
‘Wonder how your children are so smart, intelligent, well behaved, talks less but wisely?’
Obviously he doesn’t know my virtues and values, personal and educational status”
“He knows”
——————————————————
Ammalu, your mom is like my mom and our house is like her house. She is welcome here anytime but I don’t like her overhearing my phone talks”
“That is a misunderstanding. She stands behind you only to ensure that you don’t call her number and complain about me, forgetting that she is in our house, right behind you. You do that often. She wants to collect the complaint in person and help you”
“Does she think that I’m a fool to complain about you in your presence?”
“No, she doesn’t. She only expects you fail to notice my presence too”
“Ammalu, you are joking. She knows I smell your presence from a hundred yards away”
———————————————————-
Mother -in -law Mahan, once the marriage is over, the bride’s mother should move to the sidelines and allow the couple to enjoy their privacy”
“Let her move to side, back or front ! But, why tell me?”
“As, you are my son -in-law ”
“Oh, then you should have said, ‘should have moved’ who taught you grammar?”
“I’m moving to the side line, MIL. I can’t argue with you”
“Why should you move? Are you the mother -in -law?”
—————————————————————-