Category: A10 — AMMULU STORIES AND OTHER FUN FOUNTAINS

 
“Is there any relation between us, other than you are my wife an I’m your husband, Ammalu?”
“I think so. For our children, you are their father and me, their mother”
“How do you answer my questions so spontaneously?”
“Not spontaneously. I have prepared an answer book for all such stupid questions expected from you, since long”
—————————————————
“After prolonged research, I have discovered that age adds charm to some women and wrinkles to others, Why so, Ammalu?”
“With no efforts, I can tell you: if the woman is one’s own wife, age rusts and wrinkles her face and if she belongs to someone else, it adds charm and charisma to her face”
“Sorry, I chose a wrong time to ask you the question. You seems to be angry”
“Time was OK. Question was wrong”
———————————————
“Husband is a man. Men err; men can err. Once in a blue moon, if a husband commits some mistakes, wife should close her eyes. That is the practice in all families”
“Erring once in a blue moon, is understandable. But, if he errs in every moon night, how will the wife remain her eyes shut? She has to do her cooking, washing and attend to other chores, which she can’t complete before sunset or wait for AmAvAsya or other nights when moon is not visible”
“Ammalu, I’m talking figuratively and you are taking it literally. Ok . I will explain in a simple language you will understand. I see a charming girl, when we go together for shopping. I tap her back just for fun. At that time what you should do?”
“Close my eyes”
“Exactly”
“Why should you close your eyes? It is your Dharmam, as an obedient wife”
“No, I close my eyes as I can’t stand that girl’s slap for your tap”
“‘Slap for tap’ rhymes. It is a figurative usage ?”
“No, literal”
————————————————
“Hadn’t I married you Ammalu, would you have jumped into the well behind your kitchen, in utter disappointment and uncontrollable grief?”
“I would have jumped into the pond behind the temple as I enjoyed swimming”
———————————
“Ammalu, could you tell me the approximate bank balance of your mom ?
A rough estimate will do”
“May be 10/ 20 lacs. Could be more, could be less”
“So much!. Even I don’t have that much money”
“How much do you have ?”
“Hardly 5 lacs. Why?”
“Mom wanted me to find out”
“Why should she? Is she going to ask for a loan?”
“How do I know?”
“Ammalu, please don’t pass on the information”
“Shall I tell her that you wanted to know her bank balance?’
“No, please. In what way I’m interested. We didn’t discuss this issue at all”
“We will not, in the future too?”
“We will not in the future too”
——————————
“Any old people in your group interested in marrying again?”
“Why Ammalu? Any incentive scheme in the new budget?”
“Yes, if the marriage takes place before March 31, this year.
From April 1 onwards, wife one gets 50 % of husband’s pension, wife two, 25 % and wife three 15%”
“So, a man with three wives is left with only 10% of his pension, for himself? What will he do with that paltry sum?”
“He can buy inji muttai. Ginger toffee.. Anyway, give some thought. I think, you too were nourishing the idea of having additional wives, if I remember correct?’
“Abandoned that unworthy idea, Ammalu. Between us, tell me: if a husband has only one wife and if he divorces her, will it affect his pension? What does the new budget say?”
“The new budget has everything for every body. If he divorces his only wife, after April 1, he will forfeit the whole pension in favor of his erstwhile wife”
“A clever guy can discard her before the end of this month? What does he gets, then?”
“Imprisonment for the rest of his life”
————————
My mother, never used to sit before my father, out of respect. Always she used to keep standing”
“Your father used to apply pindathailam and massage mother’s legs for an hour every evening. So her legs had sufficient strength”
“Really? Who told you, Ammalu?”
“Your mom”
“Mom didn’t tell me”
“Certain things are to be told only daughter in law”
“What else did she tell you?”
“What she told me, has already been passed on to our daughters in law”
——————————————————
“Ammalu, there is some relationship between us, though I’m unable to recall what it is.
Worried that my memory is failing me”
“It is a worry for me too. You would have forgotten the phone numbers of your old friends, Ammini, PAttu, Parukutty, Kalyani, KArthyAyani–? ”
“No, I remember all the numbers. Ammini’s landline is — and mobile—-”
“That is Ok. I don’t want any number. You remember all the numbers. That was what I wanted to verify. My worry is gone now”
“You are not worried about my forgetting our relationship”
“Not at all. That ship is safe. It is in the shore, not in water. Why worry, then?”
———————-
“Are you moving away from me, Ammalu, I’m worried. I placed you on my lap soon after you became my wife. You got down and moved when the children were born. When I stopped earning, you moved still further—”
“Before you complete your emotional elegy on motion, let me clarify that it would have been impossible for me to deliver your kids, seated on your lap. This was the reason for that particular movement. I’m sorry for the other movements and if you have no objection, shall occupy my seat on your lap again. But just one warning. At the time of our wedding, my body weight was 42 kilo. Now it has gone up to 62 kilos.
The decision is yours”
—————————
Ammalu, there is enormous pressure on me from your mother not to tell you something, but I will tell you, as you are my wife and I love you”
“Why did she pressure you at all? Had she just reminded you one or two of your pre- marital dialogues you would have instantly obeyed her commands”
————————————-
Ammalu, when age advances, couple come closer to each other. Why?”
“As they are out of the danger zone”
“Exactly. Then, why are you not coming closer to me?”
“As you are still very much within the danger zone”
————————–
“Ammalu, look at that picture of Lord Sree Rama’s Pattabhisheakam, coronation ceremony, in our pooja room. Anjaneya at the feet of the Lord eagerly gazing at the Lord’s eyes, seeking devours of blessings. Why don’t we have a picture like that, you at my feet, seeking my favors, which I can circulate to my friends?”
“If you are Sree Rama, I’m Seethadevi. I should be next to you, not at your feet”
“That is not fair. You should be at my feet only”
“Ok. Call the photographer. We will have two pictures. One, for you and one me”
“In the second picture you want me to sit at your feet?”
“No, on my shoulders. Remember Anjaneya carrying Sree Rama and Lakshmana on his shoulders in the war front?”
“You will circulate that picture to your friends?’
“No. Frame and place on our front wall, near your name- board”
“Idea dropped, Ammalu”
—————————
“Why are shivering SP? Running temperature or ran away after doing some mischief?”
“Ammalu, met a woman resembling Ammini in the market and touched her hand, rolled the glass bangles and exclaimed, ‘nalla chantham – beauty!”
“She kicked you or yelled at you?”
“Neither. She hugged me and said, ‘Apooppa, Entaea appooppanaekkalum pathu vayassu koodum- grandpa, you look much older than my grandpa”
—————————-
 
 

“Pantulu garu eami pAtta paduthunAra, Meenaatchi?”
“PAtta lethu, ketta lethu. . Ammalugaru thittiyAranta.
“Enthukku? Eami thappu chesiyAru pApam?” ——
“SP Sir, is singing, MeenAtchi ?”
“No singing. Ammalu madam scolded him, it seems”
“For what? What mistake did he commit ?”
“At night, after madam slept, he sneaked out and made a call to someone from a STD booth. As he forgot to carry his eyeglasses dialed a wrong number and that reached madam’s cell. Madam woke up and replied, ‘hello’. SP could not recognize his wife’s voice, as he didn’t have his hearing aid too. ( In the hurry to make the call he had left both aids at home) Mistaking that response was from his friend, he replied in a sweet voice,” I love you” .
“Really, where are you ?” Asked Ammalu madam.
“In Chellappa’s STD booth” he replied”
“And madam went there?”
“Yes, madam went there”
 
“Enough. Now, he has no other go , than singing for the whole day and night?”
“Whole life, you mean?”
“No, Meenachi. No husband can remain singing whole life, for a small mistake of       going out and making a call”
“Chettiar, our main door will be locked from this night onwards and the key will be with me”
“MeenAtchi, I’m not like SP Sir”
“All husbands are same!”
Ocala, Florida
Feb 25, 2015
 
 
 
 
 
 

“Amazing, Ammalu, amazing!”
“What?”
“See how gracefully that couple float in our front, on the footpath”
“They are not floating. How can anyone float on the foot path?”
“Their walk, holding hand in hand, under the setting sun, in a lush green park,
Is floating, for me. Borrow some poetry from me”
“Hold my hand, please”
“For what?”
“For floating”
“Are you mad, old woman?”
“Why? They too are old couple like us. The Sun has not set yet. The lawn hasn’t turned red or yellow. What is your problem?”
“Ammalu, even our children don’t walk hand in hand with their spouses, in a public place”
“But, you admired that American couple”
“Admiring is one thing. Accepting others practice is another thing”
“Exactly. That is called Samskaram, Sampradayam”
“Have I to learn about Samskaram Sampradayam, , Samskritham, Sahithyam and such things from you, Ammalu?”
“Wife is the teacher throughout the partnership of a couple”
“Feeling thirsty. Wish there is water source nearby”
“There you go”
“Thank you. You never carry a water bottle. How did you bring it today?”
“I expected you would need it today. I noticed you watching that couple last evening,
with sparks in your eyes”
“Ammalu, while treading the path you look forward or look at my eyes?”
“Even in my sleep, you will be in my sight”
“Oh, my God! Good you told me that. I wanted to make a few calls this night.
Ammalu, tell me, who are you, really ? An ordinary woman or a yogi or a magician?”
“Your wife. And the first instruction my mom gave me, while packing me off with you was, ‘keep an eye always, on your husband”
“Really? How did she knew that I need a watch ?”
‘She too was a wife!”

“Many Facebook friends have displayed photos with their valentines. How nice it would have been, if I too had displayed our photo?”
“I’m your wife, not valentine”
“Just for fun. I will caption the picture, ‘ me with my valentine”
“Not a bad idea. I will share that photo on my timeline and say, ‘me with my valentine’
“No, no. You can’t do that. I’m not your valentine. I’m your husband”
“Just for fun!”
“Stop that nonsense and get out. I don’t need your photo”
——————————————-
“One can be happy with only one wife. But, she should be like an young cine star. What say, Ammalu?”
“What is your birth star, SP Sir?”
“What is my birth star, Ammalu? I don’t remember. Please give me a hint”
“Really?”
“Yes, Ammalu. I’m not joking. I forget old events”
“Birth star doesn’t age”
“I know. But I’m not young”
“And you want an young cine star- like wife?”
——————————–
“Ammalu, I need you to cook my food and you need me to earn money for buying stuff. Is there any other purpose for each other?”
“I need you for one more purpose”P
“What is that? Remember, I’m a very busy man!”
“Just to keep a watch on my sari bottom and alert me whenever it raises up, even by a centimeter”
——————————————-
Is there any relation between us, other than you are my wife an I’m your husband, Ammalu?”
“I think so. For our children, you are their father and me, their mother”
“How do you answer my questions so spontaneously?”
“Not spontaneously. I have prepared an answer book for all such stupid questions expected from you, since long”
——————————–
“Friends say, my hidden talents are coming out one by one, Ammalu. What do you think?”
“Being untalented as you say, no comments on the flow -out of your talents.
But, a word about things, I’m familiar with.
Your teeth and hair are coming out one by one. Your vagabond thoughts and waste word are coming out encase.
———————————–
“An attractive job, I had once; not now.
An attractive bank balance, I had once. Not now”
An attractive wife, I had once. Not now”
“I still have an attractive husband”
“Really, Ammalu?’
“Yes, you find every woman in this village, attractive!”
————————————–
“In the old age, for her husband, wife should serve as a spectacle for the eyes, hear- aid for the ears, stick for walk, speaker for talk, book for knowledge and desk for writing”
“You have all these already ? Why an extra set?”
“Ammalu, in the old age, one longs for an extra set and an extra wife”
“I see your point, SP. Finding extra set of stick, book etc is my job. Finding an extra wife is yours. Get a woman soon”
“But, how Ammalu? Where do I find another woman ?”
“Chettiar shop. On the right corner, above the rice sacks. The colorful lady will move her head in agreement if you touch her”
“Doll?”
“You longed for, right?’
————————————————
“Ammalu, your mother planted you in my life to steal my secrets”
“In no way you are innocent. You too stole something sacred from me and made some planting. But I’m excited and grateful to you for what you did”
“You can never supplant me in my language proficiency”
” I don’t dispute. But, unlike you, my talks are open ; not implanted with secrecy as in your talk with your women friends in my presence”
“This much mastery for a lower elementary -educated?”
“As long as the sixth element of the Periodical Table doesn’t cloud your mind, I’m happy”
“What is that ?”
“Carbon with symbol C”
“I see”
———————————
“After seeing the same old face for several years, if a husband looks for a change, what is harm in it?”
“You look for a new face?”
“Not me specifically. I’m talking in general term”
“I’m not talking in a general term. I’m asking specifically. Are you looking for a new face in my place or not?”
“Ammalu, that is not a fair question to be asked to me ”
“Then, what was that new face you talked about just now ?”
“Ok. I will put it this way. I have found a new face and that person is waiting outside. Would you like to see ?”
“Yes, yes. Where is she ?”
“Not ‘she’. That person is a ‘he’ for me. Like you, I’m also fed up sueeing the sane face for fifty years”
“Ammalu. Never leave me and go. What I said was unpardonable but inseek your pardon. I submit myself completely, totally, for ever hereafter, to you. Is it enough or should I bend my head further? My total surrender. Sashtanga NamskAram”
“Ok. I’m also looking for a change. Change of everything. Give me your mobile. Let me call my new face, waiting outside”
“Waiting outside? Already you have someone to take my place? Are you serious, Ammalu? I was joking.”
“I was not joking”
“Ammalu I am sorry. I surrender. I surrender to you completely. Even in my dreams I will never talk about another face. I won’t get up from this position unless you lift me up and say that you have pardoned me. Otherwise, you won’t see my face. It will be like thus for ever, fired to the Earth”
——
“Ammalu, unlike you, I’m a husband and I have many responsibilities”
“You have many responsibilities- agreed. You are not a wife like me – agreed. You are a husband- agreed. Now, what do you want?”
“I want you to get out and leave me in peace”
“Not agreed”
“Why?”
“Because, unlike you, I’m your wife and have no responsibilities other than taking care of your needs”

“Keep an eye on your weight and waistline , Ammalu”
“Impossible. As long as you are inside or outside the house, my eyes will be always on you”
“How, when I’m out, You have a mobile camera to track my movements?”
“Why camera? My eyes! A woman who suspects her husband has eyes all over his path”
“You suspect me, Ammalu? , Shiva, Shiva, Rama, Rama!”
“I don’t. But as a matter of precaution, as any other wife does, I follow you. As simple as that”
“Did I hear you saying, ‘as simple as that?’ Ammalu?”
“Yes. You did hear right. I never exaggerate”
 
Sent from my iPad

“Madam, severe memory loss. Can you help me please?”
” Sure, did you forget your name?”
“Not mine, my wife’s”
“Ammini?”
“Oooooz! If my wife hears that name there will be instant floods”
“Parukkutty, Parameswary, Panki”
“No, no, if my wife hears those names there will be tsunami”
“I failed in rekindling your memory. Name a person whom, you love most, fear most, obey most”
“Ammalu”
“That is your wife’s name! And I’m that woman!”
“Thank you Ammalu. Mine was not a memory loss alone. I lost, temporarily my sight too. Oh, too many loses!”
“You have lost nothing , as long as you haven’t lost me”
Sent from my iPad

Your mom seems to have some misunderstanding about me. Why don’t you tell her that I’m an innocent man”
“I did tell her, but she is not convinced”
“Tell her I’m child- like; I know nothing”
“I told her”
“What did she say?”
“She yelled at me”
“Yelling is OK. All old women do that. You also do that. Tell me what she said”
“She asked me a question. I don’t want to tell you what that question was. Please don’t compellme”
“Please, please Amnalu! . Tell me what that question was”
“This was that question: ‘Aren’t you ashamed to tell me, after getting four children from him, that your husband is child like and he doesn’t know anything?”

“Considering various aspects, I have reconciled to the fact that we are a married couple”
“Oh, you wasted your time, energy and sleep to come to the conclusion? I would have settled the issue in one minute”
“How, Ammalu?”
“I would have shown your letter to my mother, confirming that you were married to me, the previous day”
“I never wrote such a letter”
“You didn’t. I wrote under your forged signature”
“You forged my signature on the very next day of our marriage?”
“I had to SP. Your behavior on the first day warned me that unless I took such a drastic step, you would get the doubt whether I’m your wife or not, one day or other.
I was right. You got that doubt after fifty years!”
“Are you my wife or a knife for my throat?’
“You get that doubt again. Shall I get that letter from mom?”
Sent from my iPad

“Wonder wether you have installed a remote Camera Monitoring System in my bath room!”
“No. Why in your bath room?”
“In other places you have installed?”
“Why should I? Am I your wife or a spy?”
“Then, how do I hear your instructions such as:
‘Water has not reached your central back;
soap -patch is still there below your chin;
enough, dry your hair; put back the towel on the rack, not in a corner –
– it goes on like this”
“Oh, that was my recorded voice from the instrument kept near the bathroom door”
“But why?”
“To ensure that you bath well.  I have no time to give you a bath”
“I appreciate your keenness in my comforts .But would like to remind you that I am neither a baby nor your pet dog to get a body wash from you. Tell me please, how did you synchronize the instructions so accurately with my actions and omissions in the bath room?”
“Oh, that was simple. The first ten minutes allowed for singing. Then, the machine switched on automatically. The rest was pure guess”
“Pure guess! You could accurately guess on which part of my body I pored water first, where I applied soap and where I didn’t ! Ammalu or you a yogi or an ordinary woman?”
“Not a yogi, not an ordinary woman. I’m a wife!. If I can accurately read the movement of thoughts in your mind, can’t I guess what you do away from me?”
“Does it mean that you know my movements outside the house, where I go to, to whom I talk, what I talk etc?”
” SP, a wife should know that. Otherwise she is in trouble”

Facebook friends.
“Why are you yelling at our son, Ammalu?”
“He liked a picture of a girl in the Facebook and commented,’Wah, Amazing! What a picture! What a pose!’.
A gentleman is waiting in our drawing room to meet him and ask for explanation but he refuses to meet the visitor. ‘Wah, amazing’ is meaningless in the FB language he says”
“Then, why don’t you explain to the gentleman and send him out?”
“I did, but the problem is that the picture was that of his wife!”
“The situation is serious then. He wants to get rid of his wife. Glad that my son refused to meet him”
“I am afraid the gentleman may not disperse, even after our son meets him”
“Why?”
“He liked my picture in the Facebook and also commended, ‘Wah, amazing’”
“He is not a gentleman, then. He is a liar. How can anyone like your picture? He is a thug. He has come to scoop you. Get my stick. I will deal with him”
“But he is my FB friend!”
“Throw away your Facebook. Who asked you to open a FB account?”
“I did that to catch you. And I’m glad that I have caught you red handed”
“You have caught me, how?”
“Our son says that he doesn’t have a FB account and you are operating a pseudo account in his name. I have now a list of all your ‘wah, amazing’ women friends”
“‘Wah, amazing’ has no value in the Facebook terminology, Ammalu.. I have only
one ‘Wah, amazing’ woman and that is you”
“Wah, amazing! -lot of meaning, for me”