Category: A10 — AMMULU STORIES AND OTHER FUN FOUNTAINS

‘ Don’t lose the opportunities the life offers, my son ‘
 ‘ Never dad’
 ‘ Good boy. Now tell me, why did you refuse the girl I selected for you ?’
 ‘ hm,……………………….’
‘ Come on son, I can take it ‘
‘ I didn’t like her, dad ‘
‘  Haven’t you heard the wise saying,  ‘baaryaa roopavathy sathru- lovely wife is like an enemy’ ?
‘ Don’t say  mom was your enemy ?
‘ Mom came with no dowry; Where there is no money, wise sayings do not work. In your case , I have taken the dowry as advance’
 ‘ Return that, dad. Simple’
‘ Not that simple, son. I have already spent that ‘
‘ The you marry her; Simpler still ‘
‘ No doubt, it is a simple solution, especially when she likes me.’
‘ She likes you ?’
‘ That is what her father says. ‘ instead of marrying an young  software engineer, earning hardly 5000 bucks, I  can live like a princess in a rent-free house with 15000   income , if I marry a coconut- plucker,’  she said it seems.
‘ Did she really say that, dad ?  I will break her head. There is a hitch, though. She is stronger, weighs five kilos more than me’
‘That extra five kilos is the weight of the gold ornament she wears’
‘ Why didn’t you tell me this earlier, dad ? I will marry only that girl of your choice..’Baaryaa roopavathy sathru- lovely wife is like an enemy’ says who, dad?
‘The men of wisdom’
‘ Yes, the men of wisdom. You take another advance and spend . Don’t loose the opportunities the life offers, dad’ 
‘ I am glad that you said it.’
 ‘ All the best, dad. Remember while taking the advance – 15 is 3 times 5 ‘
Baltimore,
Oct 15, 20011

Welcome, hearty welcome. come in please. this is your bed room.–bye the by when are you returning ?
I have just entered and you are asking me when I am returning ?
That is only to make sure that I remain through out your stay here.
May I know who you are and where is my son Ramu ? Where is my daughter-in-law ?
I am Ramu’s mom and he has asked me to take care of you till he returns from his tour.
You are Ramu’s mom? Surprising ! I am his father and  you have the audacity to tell me that you are my wife !
I never said that I am your wife and thank Heavens for that. But I am Ramu’s mom.
But how, how, how ?
Ramu calls me ‘mom’
Many boys and girls call me ‘dad’. You mean to say that I am their dad ?
How do I know? That is your problem.
Tell me at least, where is my daughter in law Rohini ?
Rosi is your daughter in law now and not Rohini. I am Rosi’s mother.
I refuse to accept; tell me where is Rohini?
If you refuse to accept, it is your problem and if Rohini is not here it is her problem.
Tell me honestly why did Ramu marry Rosi, when she was already married to Rohini?
How do I know ? That is his problem.
Every one has a problem here except you, I guess.
Wrong guess. I too have a problem-Your arrival here.
 

“All  you guys, ready for the interview ?”
” I am the only candidate here.” I replied getting up instantly from my seat, as if my bottom was pinched by a bed bug and looking around to find that ‘all’ in the hall, other than me. ” Can I come in Sir ?”

” Let the selected candidate come. ” He replied as if I had no business to be there.

“So, Sir you have already selected a candidate ? ” I pooled up some courage and asked, “then why did you call me for the interview ?”
Without bothering to answer, he went in, closing his right small finger and counting one to make sure that I was the only person awaiting there.
A few more candidates joined and we exchanged notes. The officer came out of the room and drew a full circle in the air with his head . Now he has started counting the numbers by his head, I thought.
We all got up and yelled, ” shall we come in sir ? “
“Let the selected candidate come. ” He replied casually and before going in,  counted, one, two ,three, four , five, folding his fingers. Just to confirm the numbers, I am sure.
Then came a damsel, her half-heartedly worn apparel hesitantly hanging somewhere in her body. She sat near me exposing her lovely legs further and started  patting her hair pushing it back and surveying her scanty clothes surreptitiously.
The officer came out, an Ootty garden blossomed on his face . Throwing a lavish smile at the lady, he invited her inside. “Hearty welcome to our group, madam, The chief is waiting for you”
We got up from our  seats and moved towards the exit door.
”Hey, where are you guys, going ?” He  stopped us .” We are now ready for your interview”
“What interview ?” I flared, ” you have already selected a candidate and are asking her to  report for duty”  Humility was vaporizing from my tone.
“That madam was selected in yesterday’s interview for a higher post ” The officer replied without looking at my face but counting us once again. ” And she is going to select one of you today”
“Oh, that is understandable” we said in unison.
We all now started to pat our hair and survey our dress.
I was the last person to be called in and therefore could give others a bit of advice.
To boys : ” Don’t sit shy tugging your hands between thighs. Look smart, look deep at the interviewer’s eyes and suffocate him with questions when you do not have answers for what he asks. If the gentleman who came out now is in the board, use your fingers to count the number of questions he throws at you. And before coming out of the hall, make a circle in the air with your head”
To girls : Nothing cane be done now about your dress but make sure to pat your hair with your fingers and see that it hangs well before the eyes, providing just enough space to see through. Charm the fellows on the other side of the table by cooing’ oh, what a wonderful question ‘ , ‘ wish I were as intelligent as you are’ etc and in the case of old men admire ‘oh, how thin are your eye-glasses’ etc
After the interview was over, the finger -counter came out and expressed his sympathy looking sadly at me ,” sorry, gentle man! you are the only one not selected”
“Oh, that is understandable,”  I remarked smiling at him . Before leaving the waiting hall, he asked  me , “what are you counting with your fingers ?’
”I was trying to count the number of interviews I have lost ” I replied looking pathetically at both my palms, “but no fingers are left to count this loss”
“Oh, that is understandable “
He remarked and went in.

Every one has a  problem


” Welcome, hearty welcome. come in please. this is your bed room.–bye the by when are you returning ?”


” I have just entered and you are asking me when I am returning ?”


” That is only to make sure that I remain throughout your stay here”


” May I know who you are and where is my son Ramu ? Where is my daughter-in-law ?”


” I am Ramu’s mom and he has asked me to take care of you till he returns from his tour”


” You are Ramu’s mom? Surprising ! I am his father and you have the audacity to tell me that you are my wife !”


” I never said that I am your wife and thank Heavens for that. But I am Ramu’s mom”.

” But how, how, how ?”


” Ramu calls me ‘mom'”


” Many boys and girls call me ‘dad’. You mean to say that I am their dad ?”


 ” How do I know? That is your problem.”


” Tell me at least, where is my daughter in law Rohini ?”


” Rosi is your daughter in law now and not Rohini. I am Rosi’s mother”


” I refuse to accept; tell me where is Rohini?”


” If you refuse to accept, it is your problem and if Rohini is not here it is her problem.”


” Tell me honestly why did Ramu marry Rosi, when she was already married to Rohini?”


” How do I know ? That is his problem”


” Every one has a problem here except you, I guess”


” Wrong guess. I too have a problem-Your arrival here.”


Hyderabad,
August 30, 2011

Aan koznthayai petrikkai ; avan arasana vazhattum! . Enna peru vaikka porai, Alamelu ? Pazhaniaandi ennu vai .
Enkozhanthai aandiya pokanum ennu asaya, mama ?
Aandavan aandi aanane, Amma ?
Aandavan aandi aana enna ? ellarum thalyile palum, panjamritamum kottara.
Sari, Pazhaniswamy ennu vai.
Pazhani malai earanume, mama ? Ivan life malaya maarapdathe ; kozhanthai kashtapaduvane ?
Vadivela nalla per.
Ethenna mama vadiyum thadiym ?
Sari, Subramanian ennu vai.
Ivarukku antha perai kettale kopam varume. Athu ennodu appavodu per allavo?
Onnu pannamma. Sivasubramanian ennu ennodu perai vai. Vaay niraya kooppadalam.
Ayyo mama ! Pazhaniaandi enne irukkaattum. Enkozhanthai aandi aanalum paravillai. asathakappdathu.

Love and regards,
sperinkulam
Hyderabad, 29-7-2011
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Comments :

e: [Iyer123] Parasurama vaadyar‏

25-07-2011

 PV Anantanara​yanan

To Sivasubramanian Perinkulam

The mail on the subjaect Parasuram Vadhyar was superb. Is it a real incident?

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There was an interesting post in my mail inbox ,which I wanted to share with Ammalu. In response to my urgent call she came slowly and gently towards the computer. Adjusting her extra thick eye glass, she glanced at the monitor and quietly withdrew with a remark, ” ithu Hindi allava-This is in Hindi, I can’t read”
” This is English, Ammalu”. My immediate reaction had a tinge of anger, disappointment and helplessness but changing my tone to dispel her feeling that I was belittling her, I said, “don’t worry. I will take you to an eye specialist and we will change your glasses”
“What is wrong with my eyesight,?” she questioned ignoring my attempt for reconciliation, “I didn’t pull any one’s nose, due to poor eye sight”
That unnecessary and untimely remark was based on an innocuous, ignorable action of mine, last Monday. Ammani Amma , my neighbor with a prominent nose, came and sat near me, with a basket full of flowers, while I started performing my Gayatri Japam. I am irregular in doing the japam but when I do it , I close my eyes and fully concentrate on the mantram and it could be due to this over-concentration that, one inhale process pushed more than the required quantity of air into the wind pipe. It got encapsulated in the vast vacant space in my brain and consequently for a moment, I was confused and instead of opening my nostril for the release of the excess air , I pulled the prominent nose of the graceful lady who was sitting close by. It was purely an unintentional act, exclusively due to the excess air pressure and my inadequate eye sight would have extended a helping hand in the innocuous action. It is also possible that unknowingly, I would have slipped into a catnap, which is not unusual for a man of my age, especially when involved in performing a long japam.
Hearing a scream, I woke up and opened my eyes. It took a few minutes for me to realize that the nose which I was holding was not mine but my neighbor’s.
The worst part was Ammalu was standing near me. Otherwise perhaps, my good neighbor with a prominent nose, would have taken the issue lightly considering our long acquittance and that was the first time I pulled her nose, though she worked under me for many years, while in service. Throwing an unpleasant idiotic smile , I continued with the japam as if nothing had happened, but Ammalu took away the panchaptram with an order, ” Porum onga japam, enthirungo- enough of your japam, get up”
” Ammini , sorry for what has happened”. Ammalu tried to pacify the neighbor , after removing the traces of viboothy from her nose .” Sit six yards away from him when you come here next time. He is developing funny habits these days”
” I am also surprised ,” agreed the graceful lady, ” he did this never before while in service, though he pulled my hands once or twice”
” I am not surprised, Ammini” Ammalu looked at me with an unfriendly face and turned towards her friend, instantly changing her facial expression. ” come have a cup of coffee ”
“‘Oh, that is OK, Ammalu” the gracious lady commented,” after all he did pull only my nose, not my legs ”
May her tribe increase. After enjoying Ammalu’s hot copy, she went back. I thought that was the end of the matter.
But that was not to be . .
Ammini returned soon with her husband.. Gopalan Nair.
“Pull my nose, if you dare, swamy” . He thundered, bringing his face close to mine.
”But how,?” I asked innocently, “you have no nose worth pulling?” Nair’s nose was insignificant like his intelligence and it is said that the astrologer who matched his horoscope with Ammini’s, before recommending their wedding, took the disparity in the size of the noses as one of the reasons to predict that the couple would enjoy a long married life.
“Then, pull my ear ” Nair demanded.
I thought for a moment. Poor Nair, in the presence of his wife, wanted to become a hero and I should not deprive him of that privilege. He might punch my nose in retaliation to prove that he was capable of revenging the insult suffered by her.
But that is not worrisome as his hands are shaky and even if he missed his aim I had nothing to loose as all my teeth had said good-bye to my mouth, one by one, long back.
If not nose, something on his face, I should pull to retain his honor, I decided and pulled his ear.
A small cigarette piece which he had hidden behind the ear, fell down and his wife noticed and picked it up and with a stern look at him, turned towards me and with folded hands appealed , ” Swamy, I don’t mind your pulling my nose every time I come to your house, if that can expose my husband’s habits, as you did now . He has been given strict instruction by the doctor not to smoke but he has been doing it stealthily ”
Like a magnanimous senior of multifarious talents, I consoled Ammini,
“husbands will always have something to hide from their wives”
Ammalu nodded in agreement and added, “but, they should be alert”
Sent from my iPad

Dear Ammalu,
Hope you are enjoying your holidays with that old nagging woman, your beloved mother and my respected mother-in-law. I am sure that you would have, within the short period of stay with you rmom, achieved what you missed here and for which you went there-peace and happiness.
Things are smooth here, absolutely smooth, Ammalu. The arrangements you had made before leaving home, are working in perfect harmony, except one or two. You should not have asked that barrel-bellied Pankajam mami in the opposite house to take care of me. I should have taken care of myself in a much better way.
“You are alone, why do you need two packets of milk? ” She asked yesterday morning and carried away the milk sachets. In return, she gave me half a tumbler of thrice-diluted coffee. The tumbler was shaky and she waited to ensure that while drinking I did not touch the rim with my lips. I poured half of the contents on my dress while struggling to lift it well above the mouth. Mami grabbed the vessel from my hand, murmuring, “Ammalu onkali vetchukkindu eppady kudumpam nadaaharalo? How does your wife tolerate you?” You know that I need at least two cups of fresh, strong coffee in the morning. While I expected her to come with another tumbler of coffee, what she brought was a cartload of school uniform of her children with a request, ‘ithai koncham isthri pottu thango, chummathane irukkel’=press these clothes, please; you have anyway no other work to do”
When I told her that I have never pressed clothes in my life time and Ammalu does that for me, she threw a smile at my face and also a remark, “I know you can do that; you are intelligent ” I was immensely pleased ; no other woman including you have said that I am intelligent.
I did press the school uniform although in the process the front of a shirt and back of a nicker got charred. Mami will ask for the replacement when she notices the damage. Tell me from where you buy school uniform?
I forgot to switch off the gas stove, before I went out. The side portion tenant Subbamma, who was alerted by the repeated whistles of the cooker and charred smell, broke open the kitchen door with the help of her husband and put off the stove. They scolded me for my carelessness when I returned but that was not a big issue. The damaged back door however became a big issue when a smuggler found his way through that to enter into the bed room at night and opened the steel cupboard, the key for which was conveniently available, hanging from a close- by peg. Nothing was lost as there was nothing inside, as you had carried away your pattu saris and jewels. The ‘Lalithambal sobhanam’ and ‘Chthrputhran’ story books are safe inside.
The servant woman entered this morning through the broken kitchen door, as I was sleeping, noticed the opened steel cupboard and an old sari inside which she recognized as our neighbor Ammini amma’s. That sari, it seems was kept for drying on the rod adjoining our compound wall and the house lady forgot to pick it up, before going to bed. This morning when she found it missing, she suspected the servant woman and scolded her when she went there for the routine cleaning work. That cotton sari is pathetically aged and pitiably torn. It cannot tempt any one to steal, least of all, a servant maid.
Seeing the same sari in our cupboard which was lying wide opened, the servant maid rushed to the neighbor’s house and brought the Nair couple to see the atrocity committed by me. Their scream not only woke me up but brought all our neighbors into our bed room. Anger and hatred gushing out of his crooked eyes, Nair shouted at me “edo, ente baryade sari thante almarayil enghane vannu –how did my wife’s sari reach your cupboard ?”
”How do I know, ask your wife ” I expressed my innocence , rubbing my eyes wondering how the cupboard was opened, how that sari reached there and why should so many people gather to watch a torn sari.
My hidden intelligence suddenly woke up and I told Nair with a smile and assuring voice. ‘Look, Nair, You know that I will not misbehave with your wife as she is elder to me in age”
“Elder engane , Samiyude vayassentha – how do you say I am elder to you, what is your age?” Inquired Ammini Amma and I told my age after reducing it by ten years. She too reduced her age by ten years which landed us in problem. Nair was not convinced that I am younger to his wife and therefore suspected foul play on my part, although in a way he was happy that his wife was growing younger.
”The only possibility of your wife’s sari coming to my cupboard is through the burglar. Having found nothing valuable inside my cupboard much against his expectation and having found a sari hanging on the rod while escaping, he would have picked it up and thrown inside my cupboard, in utter desperation and disappointment” With the dignity of a tribal head addressing his men and delivering justice, I told them. His wife was almost convinced that I did not misbehave with her although the husband still looked at me with his suspicious crooked eyes .
”Nadakkadi, namakku pokam ‘ He told his wife, “Let us go now and we will take up this issue when his wife returns..Till then let the sari be in the cupboard. “So, the matter is amicably settled for the time being and it is for you to do the rest.
Anyway, the servant maid has stopped coming for work and I did the sweeping and cleaning today-this on the negative side. The positive aspect is Pankajam mami did not come today to pick up the milk sachets or to offer me half a tumbler of thrice diluted coffee. Her husband warned her, ‘ethukkum jagrathaiya irudi- anyway, be careful (with that guy ie.me )
The kitchen door will be repaired and put back; it may cost some three hundred bucks. I don’t want another torn sari in our cupboard.
There was another small problem last night. I had forgotten to push the drainage pipe of the washing machine into the outlet with the result, soapy water spread all over our floor and also leaked into the side portion through the open space below the connecting door. Their new Kashmir carpet was completely drenched and they are demanding a replacement. I have cleverly bargained and made them agree for a petrol wash which they will get done but I will pay the cost.It will cost us a thousand bucks, says Subbamma though her husband’s estimate is much less. It will be anyway cheaper than buying a new one, is it not? Pankajam mami has assessed me accurately.
These are the developments here since you left day before yesterday. Things are smooth here, absolutely smooth Ammalu.
Your mom used to chide me as an ‘appavi aambadayan’- a worthless husband. Tell her my worthiness now, please.
While the train was moving, you remember, you said that the life will be really dull for me, in your absence-“ongalukku boradikkumea, nan illatta” Are you now convinced that it is not so?
Take care
Affectionately yours,
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Comments
n. saikrishna​n
[email protected]
Sir,
namaskarams. I am reading your post early in the morning in US. I have burst out laughing and my wife became suspicious- “is he ok?”. Thanks for helping me to start the day with a laugh.Have a nice day!
regards
saikrishnan
Camp: Stamford, CT
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ello from Uma Subu !! Abu Dhabi !!‏
02-05-2011
Dear Mama,
I read most of your write ups, I do laugh a lot after reading them. By the way, How come the neighbor lady’s Sari in your cupboard? Just curious to knowJ You are a born writer MamaJ You made my day !!
Regards,
UMA SUBU
http://indiatempletour.blogspot.com/
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Vimal Kumar <[email protected]>
Dear Subramaniam
EXCELLENT !!! Keep Posting like this….really enjoyed !!! ha ha
Regds
Vimal Iyer
Dubai
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HaHahaha.
I wish my dad was around to read this. He would have loved the tongu-in-cheek humour.
I am still grinning as I think of your outrageous story. Your wife must have been an epitome of patience if she really had to put up with all this when she was away trying to relax at her porundaam 🙂
But I guess you are just kidding.
LOL.
Bhavani.
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To [email protected], Iyer123
Friends,
I do not know whether sarcasm is embedded in Sri. Ramachandran’s short post or not but I will never say ‘no’  when someone is prepared to feed me a mezhukkuperatti with tender kaitthiririkkai along with kurumulaku rasam. I do not know how such a tasty vegetable earned a ‘bad name ‘ among some of us as to be treated almost as an outcast , despite its dazzling, smooth external and pulpy , tasty internal. I do not however like when its skin is dry and furrowed, as I dislike anything old except myself.
MIL to  Ammalu, the DIL  🙁 in the olden days)
உணக்க கத்திரிக்காய் மாதிரி   இருந்தாய்  நீ
ஒன்கா த்திலே இருந்து  இங்கே வந்தப்போ
பெங்களூர் கத்திரிக்காய் மாதிரி ஆயுட்டாய் இப்போ.
பீத்த்ரதுக்கு ஒன்னும் கொறவு  இல்லை .
Onanga kathirikkai mathiri irunthai nee
Ongathilenthu inke vanthappo.
Bangalore kathirikkaI mathiri aayuttai
Peetharathukkonnum koravillai
Did Ammalu reply ? No, she prepared a tasty kathirikkai koottu and while serving the third dose to her MIL, simply asked, ‘Amma, onaaka kathirikkai naanna irukka?’
‘Irukkudi amma, ennavaanalum kathririkkai kathirrikkai than.’
Do remember this mattuppon when you enjoy your kathirikkai poduthuval or kootttu next time.