“A caring husband feared that his wife was becoming deaf and wanted to try whether she was pretending or her hearing capacity was really dwindling. Like any other husband, he was not bold enough to tell her that she had a problem and therefore consulted a reliable friend . Like any other reliable friends, his friend too suggested an easy solution:
“Here’s what you do,” he suggested, “stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”
That evening, when the wife was in the kitchen cooking dinner, the caring husband standing about 40 ft away asked in his normal tone , ” what is my sweet wife preparing for dinner?”.
No response.
So the husband moved closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeated, “what is my sweet wife preparing for dinner?”.
Still no response.
Next, he moved into the dining room where he was about 20 feet away from his wife and asked the same question.
Again he got no response. so he walked up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away and repeated the question. Again there is no response.
Then, he walked right up behind her. “You deaf woman. I have been repeated asking what’s for dinner. Have you heard or not ?”
The wife didn’t loose her temper. “ FIFTH time I am saying, masaal dosai. You should get not only your ears but eyes too checked, as you are seeing me making dosai. And may I know since when did I become a sweet wife for you?”
The caring husband’s suspicion got cleared and he flashed a sweet smile. Next morning, he told his reliable friend, ” take me to an eye specialist first and then to a ENT doctor.

“You call this kappi?”
“What happened ?”
“No sugar, no milk”
”Our doctor has prohibited sugar for you, I follow his advice”
” But why no milk?”
”Milk contains sugar; I follow our doctor’s advice”
” But no trace of kaapi?”
”kappi will put you to sleep and this is not the time for you to sleep”
“And you follow your doctor’s advice?”
“No, my mother’s in this particular case”
”Shall I now come to the point ? The liquid which you have served me, is not kappy. To put it more accurately, it is nothing but once- hot- now -cooled, colorless, odorless, tasteless, insipid,irritating, formless something like you. And if you both have become like this on your doctor’s advice, hell with your doctor. I don’t mind if it pushes me towards heaven by drinking a cup of really good, hot coffee.”
“I am getting a cup of hot, freshly prepared kappi, in a jiff. One cup of kappi can do no harm”
“Only kappi?”
”Only kappi. It is too late for me to revert to my earlier state.”
”No need; I love you in the present state, Ammalu.”
” In my ‘cooled, colorless, odorless, tasteless, insipid,irritating, formless state?”
” You give weight to the blabs of an addict ? I don’t want kappi. in fact, I dislike kappi . Get me a tumbler of cool water from the fridge.”
”Cool water alone ?”
“Oh, I like that. You are reverting to your old state, Ammalu ”
Hyderabad,
Jan 19, 2013

Since long I didn’t hear from a close friend of mine and so, I called him.
” Anna, hope things are fine at your end. No call since long. ”
” Your Manni doesn’t allow me to go near the phone, leave away, using it.”
“Oh, she is not at home now ?”
”She has gone to the temple. I wish she stays there, ever. My God, she is back; I am keeping the phone down”
“Hold on for a minute more please and hand over the phone to Manni”
“Manni,why this new punishment for my Anna?”
“You won’t ask this question, had you known what he did.”
“Tell me, please”
“He speaks to his girl friend, for an hour every night, after I go to bed”
” I am not surprised, having known him, from his young days. But how did you come to know that ?”
“I caught him red handed through the wireless parallel, I had hidden under my pillow”
Now her worthy husband came on the line.
“Anna, who is that lucky girl?”
“Our Pitcu patti. I was discussing with her Ramayanam and Gita ”
Now the phone changed hands.
“Lie. I have recorded their conversation”
” You had a recorder too under your pillow, manni?”
‘Modern techniques come handy to catch such shameless criminals” .
” Good. what was the response from the other side, Manni?”
“Surprisingly, no response”
“Not a surprise for me as, in fact, there was none at the other end”
‘What do you mean ?”
“There was none on the other end, I assure you. Anna was just playing a trick, to make you envy him and draw you closer to him. All the husbands do that when they grow old !”
” Oh, my God ! Which other husband will play such a nasty trick ?”
“I did.”
”You did ? How did the mild-mannered Ammalu handle that?”
”She is mild-mannered indeed; She threw me out along with my baggage.”
“You are on the street now? Come here, I will  talk to Ammalu.”
“I have reached Kasi. Send my Anna too, Let his crime be washed in the holy waters”
“Crime, what crime did he commit? Speaking to air is a crime? And how dare you to ask me to send him to Kasi ? I can’t live without him for a moment.”
“Then allow him to use the phone. ”
”I will, but not after I go to bed”
 
Hyderabad,
Jan 14, 2013

Due to the last- minute booking, I could get only a top berth in the Cochin mail. There were two ‘pious’ people on the lower bergth, middle aged, healthy; pious, going by the parallel and horizontal marks on their foreheads! Their topic of discussion hovered around the food offered as prasadam and I could safely guess that they were on a temple tour. Anticipating an obligation from those devote men, I inquired whether one lower birth could be swapped with my upper one.
“Oh, Sir, I wish could,” one of them looked pathetically at his right knee and moaned, “severe arthritis Sir, here, here.”
He pointed his finger to show me the exact location, where the pain was torturing him.
“Cho, cho, apply some balm;” I advised and turned to his friend. “Left knee is problematic for you, I presume,”
I commented.
“Precisely,” His astonishment was unconcealed. “How did you know that, Sir?”
“Golconda Hakim’s blessings,” I pulled out a small brass casket from my pocket, showed it to him, raised it to my head level, as a mark of respect and put it back in the pocket.
He looked at me as if I was the real Golconda Hakim, stood up for a moment and sat again, convinced by my look, which in no way resembled a Hakim. However, he started pressing his left knee. It was obvious that either his pain had increased or the arthritis had manifested for the first time.
Two more people were watching us. My friends and neighbors Gopalan Nair and his wife Ammini, who were also coming along with me. Ammini who had worked as my PA and then as section officer, knew almost all my secrets but my mentioning the Golconda Hakim perplexed her and her eyes and raised eye brows revealed the natural tendency of a woman to know the unknown of a known person. She instantly developed a new respect for me and offered her lower side- birth, but her husband admonished her with a stern look, “you expect me to carry your 70 kg load and push you to the top birth?” He had a point. He was thin like a pencil!
Having failed in my attempt to obtain a lower birth, I clambered up the small ladder to the amazement of the two pious men and the moment I had perched safely on the top, the one who developed sudden pain on his left knee, raised his head and enquired, “wonder, how you managed ?”
I pulled out the brass casket again from my pocket and put it back silently.
“I have visited the cell in the Golconda fort, where Badrachalam Ramdas was imprisoned”
I could hear the conversation of the pious men below. ” I remember having seen this man along with a Mulla near that cave.”
“Who knows the secret of caves and the saints who live there in? I have not seen his Guru but that brass case has something special in it. Ah, my pain is slowly increasing.”
” He is saintly, no doubt, we should have offered him one lower birth”
” We should have. Shall I wake him up?”
“Who is this Golconda Hakim,? The Nair couple too wondered. “I have never heard his name’
” I knew all the secrets of my ex-boss but how is that he never told me about the brass casket and why is he not parting with it, sticking to it, even in his sleep?”
” Ammini, the casket might contain some choornam, herbal powder to help his sleep or some sacred ash.”
” Has ‘Swamy’ fallen into the narcotic bin? But how narcotic induces sudden pain by waving the container from a distance?”
” Oh, he was fooling them, for not parting with a lower-birth”
The divine sleep was hugging me close to her chest and I don’t recall the rest of their conversation, but woke up soon, hearing Nair’s yelling.
“Swami, will you please stop that snoring and come down to see what is happening here?’
” What is your problem, Nair? I am snoring through my nostrils, not yours,” I replied without moving from my birth,
“In fact I was just humming to myself”
“Damn with your humming,” Nair had a valid reason to wake me up. “Ammini is struggling with pain. She says that you are responsible. Just come down and see.”
“Nair, pull the alarm chain if it is labor pain or wait till the train reaches the next station”
I advised in half- sleep but suddenly his claim that I was responsible for the pain shook my nerves. Nair’s words were atom bombs. A 60 + woman could afford to bring out another life to this world but in what way I was responsible for her untimely, though noble act?
I wanted to jump down but my alert mind reminded me, my date of birth. Somehow, I did succeed to come down, without stamping the head or leg of those sleeping in the lowest births but not without pulling down the blanket of the woman in the middle birth. She opened her eyes and shut them instantly as if it was natural for men of my age to indulge in such misadventures.
I can tolerate any act of women but not their closing their eyes after a look at me.
The first thing I did soon after reaching the ground level of the compartment was to have a good look at Ammini from top to toe and was relieved that it could be any other pain but not what I suspected.
“Thank God, Ammini. You are OK. When Nair said that you had labor pain, I became panicky”
“I never said it was labor pain and your American ear- aids, at times, add words unnecessarily” Nair was in a bad mood but I was happy to learn that my ear aids not only were good in deduction but in addition too. “She had stomach pain and your iddlies bought from America and stored in Indian fridge were responsible for that. Anyway, give her some choornam, herbal powder from your casket to relieve her pain ”
” Sorry, Nair. I can’t help your wife,” I was firm and looked at my pocket to make sure that the casket was safe in there.
“Who is your Golconda Hakim and what does that casket contain? I want to know right now” Ammini’s voice was gaining momentum.
” Like a street dog, did I not follow you in your Himalayan trip?”
” Nair followed us carrying your luggage and you walked ahead and stayed back or disappeared while paying the hotel bills.”
” Did I not accompany you to the ashrams of every holy man, including Nithyanandha and have you so far concealed any secret from me?”
” Nithyananda discarded you as too old to meditate’”
“Swamy, look. If you don’t tell me who your Golconda Hakim is and reveal the secret of the brass casket, I am going to reveal one by one, every secret of yours to Ammalu. And remember I was your P.A for 25 years.”
That threat worked and I had to come out with truth.
‘’Ammini, a Hakim, a Unani- medicine practitioner in the Golconda area, was running an elementary school in his clinic where his fourteen children were the students. He called me for hoisting the National flag during the last Independence Day, so that he could take a picture of the event and submit to the Government in support of his claim for an aid to his school. I readily agreed as I am not likely to become the Governor of a state and hoist the National flag. In the presence of the Hakim and fourteen students, I raised the flag, children did the march past, we sang the National anthem but at the critical stage, the photographer developed an urge to pee and ran away from the scene. The Hakim ran after him, caught him and pushed a pill into his mouth. The photographer instantly was at ease, the ceremony went on well and within a month the Hakim received the Govt aid asked for.
As a return gift, the Hakim Saheb, brought this brass casket with a few pills in it and advised,
‘’a person of your age need this. During night travels in a bus or if compelled to occupy the top birth in the train, if you develop a sudden urge to empty your bladder, just push a pill or two into your mouth, below the tongue. For another 3-4 hours, you can travel comfortably’’
And before leaving, the learned Hakim gleamed and added, ‘’carry the casket when you go for a flag-hoisting too”.
I raised the casket above my head as a mark of respect, and clambered the upper birth again, thanks to the Hakim Saheb’s mesmeric gift.
I looked down and noticed that the woman on the middle birth was moving on her sides uncomfortably. Here eyes were swollen.
”Any problem, madam?” I inquired.
‘Can I have a few pills from the casket in your pocket,? Her voice was unsteady.
‘’The way to the toilet is blocked?” I asked.
”Not that Sir, labor pain. I want to hold on till the next stop”.

30 AC- 2 tickets and 29 passengers, were we. The tickets were  booked by two people, while I was in US and each booked a ticket for me, one in the name of Sivasubramanian and the other S Perinkulam. We didn’t cancel the extra ticket as Meghana wanted to keep that birth to accommodate the luggage.
The TT was an elderly man and invariably as all elderly men are, were allergic to the noise and dance from the group and decided to do a through check. A duty- conscious officer he was no doubt, did a head -count by identifying every name, and detected one extra name.
‘Where is sperinkulam?.’ He inquired.
‘ Ikkada unnanandi, Here I am’
‘Your identity please.’
That was shown.
‘But this is Sivasubramanian and I want the identity of sperinkulam’- His voice became course and it was natural for an officer of his stature.  I could have told him the fact that there was an extra birth with us and thus closed the matter. Instead, I asked him, ‘If not by name, can’t you identify by the picture?’ That was unnecessary and too often I do unnecessary things, which perhaps keep me active and joyful.
‘Sir, where is comparison ?, ‘ he raised his voice, looking at my lovely( for me) picture ‘ the photo shows a human face!’ ha,ha,ha–he laughed . We both agree on that point and I too joined and laughed ha,ha, ha, heart-full.. My children, busy in their merry making didn’t notice the ticket examiner or hear his joke, though pretty and thank God for that.
Screwing my face with both his eyes, he tried to load my brain with bare facts, which were not very pleasant.
‘ You are traveling without a valid identity and even without a valid ticket. You are not Sivasubramanian and I have already ticked that name in his chart. He doesn’t exist, as far as I am concerned.’
I was shocked . ‘ I do exist and I am Sivasubramanian,’  I wanted to shout but fearing that would throw cold water on my family rejoicing, I pulled him towards me and whispered into his ears, ‘ damn with your dirty chart. I am alive, kicking and can kick your —-too.”
Then releasing his collar, made him to sit comfortably in my seat, presented him first with a broad smile and then a welcome proposal.
‘Sir okka pani chestham- we will do like this. There is an extra birth with us; I surrender that. You allot it to someone and we share 50:50 ‘
If I say,  he accepted my proposal, you will try to find his name and we both will land in trouble.. So, just enjoy this 50:50 Joke.
Comments:

Dear Sri Sitaraman Balachandran.

In response to ur search may I say ROSE IS ROSE one may call by any name & I confirm that both Mr. Sivasubramanian and Sperinkulam are the same person belongs to South Village PERINKULAM-Palakkad, He is now a resident of Hydrabad and currently touring USA…Pl contact him on his e-mail address.
Venkateswaran- W,perinkulam.
— On Mon, 13/8/12, Sitaraman Balachandran <sitabalakrish@yahoo.com> wrote:
From: Sitaraman Balachandran <sitabalakrish@yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: [Thatha_Patty] A 50:50 joke
To: “Thatha_Patty@yahoogroups.com” <Thatha_Patty@yahoogroups.com>
Date: Monday, 13 August, 2012, 3:14 AM
I am now totally and properly confused. Who is Sivasubramanian and who is sperinkulam?
Or are they both imaginary characters? Can any one in T-P clarify, other than Sivasubramaniyan
or sperinkulam-oh! again I am confused. How some one can clarify if he does not exist.
But I must admit the story is fantastic.
S.Balachandran

I never had any problem with my tenants. In fact, I had fun with them and Vikram stands head and shoulder above others.


He owned a retail outlet for a popular product with an established brand name when I was the area manager of that company. I admired his salesmanship in selling products, but as his expertise was explicit better in selling the products of our competitors, which gave him a better margin of profit, I had to recommend his removal
He had two school- going kids . I accommodated the family in the side portion of my house for an affordable rent. Ideal tenants were they, initially. No complaints about the facilities provided, no delay in rent-remittance .’ good morning Sir, good evening sir, thank you sir’- in abundance .


After a couple of months, the rent remittance was progressively delayed and finally fully stopped. Vikram started borrowing amounts, from me, in two digits initially and seeing my leniency, the digits expanded.


” Go and ask uncle” I could hear his command to his children when they approached their dad for the school fees, one morning. Obediently, they came and I paid . No question asked. After all, children’s education should not suffer.


Vikram thanked me profusely. ” You are great Sir, They are your children” His voice was shaky with emotion.


” Sorry, Vikram” I gave vent to my hidden anger, “they are not my children; they are yours and it is your responsibility to take care of their need. You are an efficient sales-man and you can sell any product under the sun. You are not making any efforts to work and earn.”


“I will, from now on, sir.” enthusiasm bubbled in his reply and face, ” lend me a few lacks, After all I am your son.”


” You have got wrong there, Vikram. You are not my son and had you been one, I would have thrown you out of my house for borrowing money from others”. I screamed at him and he moved away, turning his neck to make sure that my eyes were moist for not treating him as my son.


Vikram, like an obedient son, had started working hard to make money, even without my help. That was clear to me, when after a couple of weeks my friends started inquiring, ” Why are you selling your house?”

.
”Selling, my house? ” I was taken back. ” Who told you?”


“Your tenant is going around with some papers and canvassing for selling your property” was their cool reply.


I returned home fuming and entered his house, shouting, ” get out, you wretched man, before I throw you out of my house”. He was not there. His wife, an honorable lady, begged for my pardon, falling at my feet, “You are our God, sir. He has gone out to sell my mangalsutram and will be back now to settle your dues”.


“That is OK”.  My honey-soaked words brought out the hidden stars in her eyes . I am not an abominable animal to be so cruel, to extract my dues out of the mortgage of the mangalsutram of a fully pregnant woman.


Her labor- pain started that night. Vikram came and asked for monetary help. If not you who else will help her sir ? ” He pleaded , ” after all she is like your wife .”


I gave him money but not before making my dislike of his remark, ” She is not like my wife and never utter such stupid words”.


” Arrange a taxi, sir.” Vikram pleaded. ” I wanted to prepare some coffee and pack her clothes for the hospital”


I called a taxi and helped his wife to board it and assured that in her absence, I would look after her kids.


After an hour the taxi man returned and demanded to and fro fare. ” Sir asked me to collect from you”.



“Fool, which taxi driver has allowed the passenger to get away without paying the fare ” I yelled at him. ” After all, it was his wife and not me , whom you transported to the maternity hospital.”


“But Sir, It was you who called me and not  that Sir or his wife” . That too was a valid point.


I had to pay the full amount . You know how taxi drivers could be nasty and after all, he had a valid point. But as an experienced administrator, I had the wisdom to call Vikram and confirm that he had not paid a pie to the taxi driver.


‘” Sir, you lent me cash only for the hospital expenses and not for the taxi”. Oh, He had a valid argument again.


When his wife returned home with a 3kg bundle of joy, she announced that she had decided to seek a divorce from her ‘good-for-nothing ” husband.


‘Don’t be in a hurry, young lady” I advised her, ” and don’t call your husband as a ‘good-for-nothing one. He has after all, fathered your three kids.


But she was not prepared to relent. “No, uncle. He has no more place in my heart and bedroom. Which wife will tolerate a man who is incapable of providing taxi fare to take her to the maternity ward ? “


No doubt, that is a very valid point.
.
“But where will you go with these three kids, lady?” I enquired sympathy and care surging from each word.


” I will come to your house, uncle.” Her voice was unfaltering, ” where else will I go?”


“Sometime we commit blunders to establish our honesty”. I opened up my heart to Ammalu . ” I should have allowed Vikram to sell the non-branded products under the banner of the popular company “


“But the honorable lady has a valid point. Where else will she go ?” Ammalu chided me, smile and sarcasm submerging her anger.
Comments:

Comments:

very interesting..nice one…very humorous..Maragatham

“How do you ask me to look for a girl for your substandard- son, Ammalu ? His, looks, his talk, his behavior , his dress everything about him, is substandard”