‘Ammalu, you love me?’
‘Why should I, when you don’t love me? ‘
‘How do you know that I don’t love you?’
‘If you love me, you wouldn’t have asked that question. You would have taken me to the Chettiar shop and bought a Kanchi silk sari’
‘Come on. Let us go to Chettiar’
‘ I love you’
While in USA, I longed to see places, on return to India.
Now I’m back but can’t move out as my brother needs me throughout.
There is a wedding at Bangalore., next week. I wanted to attend; I can’t.
Kalpathy ther is coming. I want to go, but I can’t.
But, one desire got fulfilled. I wanted the fat old lady in the opposite house to talk to me, lovingly . She did that yesterday. She said, pointing her finger towards my eyes,
‘Old man, next time, when I pass through your gate, if you stare at me, I will sprinkle Guntur mirchi powder deep into your owlish eyes’.
I know how hot Guntur mirchi powder is!
‘Ammalu, you should remember that due to my holding a high profile post in Government and also due to my personal charisma, it was natural that I had many friends and a few of them happened to belong to the opposite gender. You should also remember that it is quite natural that I remember some names which may emerge even in sleep’
‘Waste of words. You could have simply said,
‘Sorry Ammalu’. Matter ends’
‘Why should I say sorry?’
‘I expected that question. That was why I decided to add Guntur mirippa podi, 🌶 chilli powder in your coffee, instead of sugar, every time, the name of a woman, emerges from your mouth, while awake or in sleep’
‘God came in my dream and said that in my last birth, I was a cowherd and you, Ammalu, one of many cows under my control’
‘God came in my dream too and said that in my next many births, I will be a political speaker and you a mike, standing before me, head bent, hearing patiently whatever I say. That is a small punishment for you for your non stop talks dumped on me, all these years’
‘God didn’t mention about your past?’
‘He did. You didn’t hear the last part of what He told you or you concealed it from me. I turned into a bull and chased all the other cows who ran hither and thither to escape from my torture and in my catapulted action, you landed in Baltimore’
‘If God told you so, it can’t be false. Did he tell you how I become a Mahamuni?
‘He did. The kick of a cow turned into a bull are so fierce that anyone so catapulted will become a sada, or ordinary Muni. Mine was a double kick and therefore you turned into a Mahamuni’
On behalf of an young friend, I went to see a girl, seeking her hands for him.
An absolutely outspoken girl, she was.
‘I’m not spiritual; I won’t change. I go for social drinking. I won’t change. I wear only jeans and T shirt. I won’t change’
‘Won’t you stink, if you don’t change your clothes?’
‘My perfume bill is Rs. 3000 per month. Your boy, what is that puranic name ,Rama or Krishna?’
‘Most modern name, Muthuswamy’
‘That Swamy uses perfumes?
‘He likes Pazhani andavar vibhoothi, as I know’
‘So he is spiritual! I’m not and I won’t change’
‘You change him. There lies your sAmartyam’
‘What thyam is that ?’
‘Samarthyam. It means ‘ efficiency, cleverness’ . Every woman acquires that skill the moment she become a wife ‘
‘Ok, I get out from my sleep at midnight and go for a stroll in the park. I won’t change’
‘How safe it is?’
‘I learn karate. Muthu is yellow belt or black belt?’
‘I haven’t seen him wearing any belt ‘
The breeze brought in perfume smell, followed by her mother.
‘Ammukutty, why waste time talking to that old man?
He won’t miss a chance of chit-chatting with a woman young or old’
‘Ammukutty is a lovely name. My wife is Ammalu. Fashion name for a fashion girl! :Madam, you need applauds for selecting that name’. I commented, passing on a genuine smile at the perfumed mother.
Her face bloomed. ‘You may come again in the evening, after she returns from the club, uncle’
I picked up my walk stick. While moving towards the gate, the perfume mother of Ammukutty reminded, ‘uncle today Rahu Kalam is between 4.30 to 6.00 pm’.
‘You follow Rahu and Gulikan? I don’t’
‘You are a nine century nomad from Nigeria. The fashion of the day is to follow astrology, Ayurveda, apply vibhoothi, kumkumam on the forehead and draw kolam on the cement floor in front of the house. Come in the evening with Ammalu Mami to see my Golu, but come before or after Rahukalam’
‘Hip,hip, hurray!’, I entered Muthuswamy’s House, shouting and lifting up my walk stick. ‘Ammukutty is my new mattupon, Muthu. Celebrate with a drink. Your queen is going to be a good companion for me, in social drinking’
‘What drinking is that, Uncle?’, asked the innocent bachelor.
‘Social drinking!’
‘Ammalu, Ammini ceased to be my assistant long ago. You can’t expect her to address me now as ‘Sir’. Why do you frown at her when she calls me ‘SP’, as others do? ‘
‘She is not calling you the way others do. She is adding ragam, thanam and paalavi to those two alphabets and addresses you, ‘SPeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee’. I don’t like that. And once more if she does so, I will make her to dance before you, with no ragam, no thalam, but only Pallavi’
—————————-
‘Ammalu, hope you won’t have any objection if some of your friends, during their forthcoming visit for kolu, wish to have a secret discussion with me on culture and arts, my specialized fields?’
‘Culture or agriculture, what secrecy can be there? ‘
‘Good question. What is culture? Your kolu is our culture. And—‘
‘Wait a minute please. If my kolu is culture, my friends should discuss with me and not with you’
————
‘Ammalu, for the Navaratri kolu, will your friends come donning six yards or nine yards sari?’
‘What’s your problem, SP ? Some may be wearing, six yards, some nine yards and some no yards at all! I will warn you in advance so that you can close your eyes when the last category enters’
—————————————-
‘Ammalu, I’m excited that Navrathri is at our doorstep. What work are you going to give me to serve your friends, I mean to serve Goddess who comes in the form and shape of your friends? ‘
‘You’re my Pathi, my prime God. I will place you on a prominent place in the kolu stand among other dolls from where you can watch and bless my friends. Remember Gods only bless, not talk or sing ‘
———————
‘Of all the women I have seen closely Ammalu, you have a divine face’
‘I have closely seen only your face and that is a human face’
——————————-
Habsiguda life is amazing
Ammalu, real fun, you’re missing.
She lived in our neighbohood, a pretty fat lady with a pretty long tongue. We met near the Central Park, last evening.
‘Pantalu garu, Namskaramandi’,
she greeted me. Pantalu is priest, pandit, scholar,etc. I’m neither and she knows that
‘Namaskaram amma!’ I returned her greetings.
‘Mee aseervadam naakku kavali ‘, she had a point. She wanted my blessings, as I’m a Pantalu. Pantalu means, priest, pandit, scholar etc.
‘Deerghasumangali bhava’. I fulfilled her desire.
She retorted, as if called her auntie or patty in Tamil.
‘My husband has eloped with a good -for- nothing stupid, third rate woman. Damn with your blessings’.
‘Sorry to hear that, madam. I forgot your name’
‘Saraswathy’
‘Apt name. You look like original Saraswathy. Only a Veena is missing ‘
‘I had learned Veena for three months, got mad and discontinued ‘
‘You could have continued. In due course, your madness would have vaporized’
‘It was my Veena teacher who went mad, not me’
She clarified. No wonder.
‘Mee painaroom naakku kavali’ – I want your top room for rent’
‘Sorry, Saraswathy . That is already booked’
‘Cancel!’ She was assertive. ‘Didn’t I cancel my husband?’
Somehow, I escaped from her.
This morning, a fat man, wearing a silk shirt and two or three thick golden chains, came to meet me.
‘Pantalu garu, I want your blessings’ He pleaded. ‘Last evening you blessed my wife’.
I blinked. ‘The only lady, I met last evening was Saraswathy with no Veena, wife of Engineer—‘
‘Athu patha kathayandi. That is an old story. Now, she is my wife’
I explained him my position. ‘Babu, I’m no more a Pantalu. I was yesterday but not now. My son tells me that I am an American citizen now. My blessings will have only the opposite effect’
‘You mean Saraswathy will abandon me and go back to her original husband?’
‘May be to him or to some one else’
‘Bloody rascal!’ He jumped from his seat and dashed out. ‘ I will kill him’
PS. Pantalu is a respectful word reserved for a Brahmin
Chakka Pazham enikkishtam
Can’t eat much, bahu kashtam!
She gave me just one chola
I looked her swarna vala
Chola I liked, vala I liked
‘Not both’, she said, ‘take this’
I ate chola and touched her hand
I got 10 for chola + bonus for gentle touch 20 = 30 points.
She gave a knock on my head with the vala hand
Another 20 points. Total 50 points
Her knock with vala hand
Produced instant hairs on my barren hand
Another 50 points. Total 100 points
Chakka Pazham enikkishtam
Vala kai chottu no kashtam
Cornering the Kampala diplomat
In a corner? No,I see her with him!
Only a wife can do that-
Cornering and honoring!
To four corners of the earth
With him, she moves
And the soft corner they have for each other
Has helped them to turn the corner
Not once.
She never put him in a tight corner
Nor he tried to cut corners
In his relationship or duties.
Out of the corner of my eyes
I see him inching towards her.
‘Will pinch, if you move an inch,’ I howl
Can’t love birds can easily fool an old owl?