Category: A10 — AMMULU STORIES AND OTHER FUN FOUNTAINS

When is your next visit to your mom’s house, Ammalu?”
“Whenever you are at home for about 2/3 hrs. so that I don’t need to lock the house”
“In between, I might get an urgent call and leave. Better have a duplicate key always with you”
“No need. I have remote sensor in my cell phone, to keep a watch on your movement”
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“Ammalu, a husband is not a husband unless he occupies the driver’s seat”
“Yes, seat he occupies. She drives”
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“Ammalu, which is the best place for the husband and wife to spend together on their birthdays, bedroom, cinema hall, among their children, in wife’s natal home or in a temple?”
“None of the above. In the kitchen!
The husband cuts vegetables, opening up his heart and tells her his bachelorhood adventures. She doesn’t hear a word of what he said but overwhelmed by his affection and compassion in helping her in her chorus and looks at his hand’s movement praying that the knife should not cut and bleed his inexperienced hand”
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“Why don’t we go for a movie, Ammalu? I want to buy pop corn for you during the interval, to celebrate my birthday?”
“You super stingy SP ! Why don’t you buy me a silk sari from the Chettiar shop across the street, during the interval?”
“I offered to buy you pop corn to watch the fun of the corn popping with a ‘thud’ sound”
“That makes sense. Let us go picture and pop corn today. Sari and star hotel food tomorrow”
“Every old man has to pay for his weakness”☺️
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“Don’t mention my actual age to our friends, Ammalu. Tell them, I’m only 48”
“If they ask my age?’
“70, 80- whatever you like”
“Then, they will say that you married your mother in law and not her daughter”
“OMG, one more mother in law! Even one is too many. Give my age correctly”
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“I have all admirable attributes, but you receive all accolades. How Ammalu?”
“Because I’m your biggest attribute”
“If that is really so, don’t tell your mom. The old lady’s pride will blow like a balloon”
“Your pride should blow like a balloon, not my mom’s”
“That is not my attribute, Ammalu”
“One more reason for not receiving any accolades”
“You allow me neither to drive through the highway nor squeeze in through the narrow lane!”
“That is the attribute all wives!”

“Why did you buy a new waist belt, Ammalu?
I have three already”
“Not for you. It is Ammini’s birthday gift”
“Gone out of your senses? Funny woman!”
“She is wearing her sari below her naval and her explanation is her waist becomes thinner by day and sari doesn’t stay. The belt should help”
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Writing some trash, you waste your sleep and that of others too”
“Ammalu, what I do is a sacrifice and not a trash. I’m writing only to make others to sleep”
“But I’m unable to sleep as you sit and write ”
“Ammalu, you are not among ‘others’; you are my very own!”
“Continue to write. I don’t mind losing my sleep”
“Am I writing trash, Ammalu?”
“I’m not a woman if I say that what you write is a trash, after your calling me ‘ Ammalu’ thrice in three seconds”
“——————————–
What is difficult to lose if gained?
and
What is difficult to regain if lost?
Abdominal fat is difficult to lose, if gained.
and
Ammalu’s respect is difficult to regain, if lost.
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I’m handsome, Ammalu”
“You are”
“I’m honest”
“You are”
“Would you like to say something about you?”
“Yes. You are what you are, because of me”
“Nonsense. I was born handsome. You have no role in that”
“Thank you for agreeing that your honesty is my making. That is all, SP Sir”
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“You know how much I earn per month? You should, as you are keeping the money. Who appointed you as the custodian and controller of my earnings, may I know, madam?”
“Your mom. She said soon after our wedding, ‘my son has no control over his mind, tongue and money. From now on, you are going to control all the three’. Of the three, I could control only your money and so, it is safe”
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I told you on the first day of our marriage all sort of rubbish: ‘I love you; I can’t live without you; I will do anything you ask for’ etc. I feel sorry for what I said then, Ammalu”
“That was on our first night, not on the first day. Every boy tells such lies. But I thought you were an exception, you were very special and you meant what you said”
“Yes Ammalu. I’m an exception. I’m very special.
I meant what I said”
“Thank you. Crack this coconut, slice it into small pieces add three dry chillies, add a pinch of salt, two spoons of coriander seeds, a bit of asafetida —-”
“Stop, stop. No more additions or subtractions, please. Everything I said on our wedding day and night, was lie, lie, nothing but lie. I never meant what I said. I’m a very ordinary person, like any other husband. Nothing special about me”
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“Your behavior in Ammini’s birthday party was
undignified, unwanted and unbearable, Amnalu.
Why did you laugh when that poor girl was singing some nice songs, melodiously, meticulously, musically”
“‘ Ba,Ba black cheap, have you any fool?’
Malayalam accent, I can understand. .’Mary had a little Lomp’ also. But, how to tolerate the next half, ‘little bomb, little bomb?. After all, she was not singing Carnatic music or ghazal. To sing baby songs she was struggling. And you call that melody and some more ‘dees?”
“Ammalu. She has a post graduate degree in English!”
“Then, that poor girl would have forgotten to pick up her dentures that evening!”
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“At times your behavior is abnormal, Ammalu.
In Ammini’s birthday party, only close friends were present and they all knew our relationship. Why did you like a fool, introduce me as your husband, while addressing them?”
“The way some of the women there behaved with you in the party, gave me a suspicion whether they are aware of our relationship or not. Repetition and reconfirmation, at times help us, you see”
“Don’t say, ‘helps us’ . It helps you, perhaps”
” I know you are my husband”
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“It is worrying that by aging, I’m losing control over my wife, Ammalu”
“I’ll do something about it and it is not a big issue. The really big issue is that you are losing control over your tongue, your taste buds, your mind, your brain and your pen. And I can’t do much about that”
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“There is a style in Ammini’s sari wearing, Ammalu”
“I know. She has her style; I have mine. Every one has his or her own style. Don’t you have your own?
While singing you move your hands as if you are punching some one. When you see a friend of mine on the street, either you keep smiling or keep your mouth fully opened in awe, for five minutes. Her style might be different. Either she might look at another angle or walk way, without telling a word to you”.
“Ammalu, I’m sorry you mistook me. I wanted to tell you that I didn’t like Ammini’s sari wearing style”
“That again is your another style. To her, you would have said, “Ammini, you look like a cine star in this new sari”
“True. Those were my actual words. How did you come to know that? I’m worried, you might be having some remote speech- capturing devises”
” I have no devises. Ammini told me”
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“She looks marvelous, from the back”
“From the front?”
“Have I ever looked at the front of any woman, since our marriage, Ammalu?”
“Thank you. I relax my rule. Now, you can”
“If she happens to be your mom?”
“She is. Hence the relaxation of rule”
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“You have done your duty as a devoted wife and therefore you can retire and go to your mom’s house. I have failed in my duty as a responsible husband and therefore, I need to go to Himalayas and do tapas to atone my sin”
“You are escaping from the house, just to avoid the Diwali inaam seekers. I’ll do your job as a devoted wife, in your absence”
“Cash, from where?”
“Already removed from your wallet leaving a five Rupee note for your train fare to the Himalayas”
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“As per our old practices, from the day one of their wedding, the husband should sit and the wife should stand. Always stand. Hope you are taught this by your father, Ammalu”
“My father told me, when I was sitting on his lap and you were standing before me to tie the maangalya soothram, ‘Ammalu, see him standing before you, while you are sitting. Always maintain this position. That is the practice, passed on to us from generation to generation. Always remember this’”
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“I’m glad that I married you, Ammalu”
“I’m excited that you said it after 50 years!”
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“Ammalu, ‘there is a woman behind every man’s success’, they say.
In our house, it is opposite. I’m behind your success”
“You are only behind me. I’m your success, SP garu”

“Wherever you go, why carry the iPad?”
“As, I can’t carry you, Ammalu!. Other than you, this iPad is my only constant companion, though with a difference. It doesn’t speak, you don’t stop talking”
“A woman who doesn’t open her mouth and nods her head in agreement for everything her husband says, is his biggest enemy”
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The drunkard husband arrives home, late as usual.
He knows his wife won’t open the door; so he decides to tell a lie that he bought her flowers & knocks at the door.
Wife: Who is it ?
Hubby : Me, who else? I brought flowers for the pretty lady.
Wife opens the door and asks : Where are the flowers?”
Happily entering inside and glancing all over the interior, the hubby asks:
“Where is the pretty lady ?”
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“I would have kicked him out” said Ammalu, when I showed her this story.
“You didn’t throw me out ?” I replied.
“Because, you didn’t say that you brought flowers
I liked your not telling a lie, which is rare for you”. That was her reply.
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“While traveling in bus, please sit at my back seat so that I can maintain my higher status, Ammalu”
“If you assure me that you won’t pick up quarrel with other passengers or won’t sing loud, I shall certainly oblige you. Pinching sitting close to you, is between us. Screwing your ear from the back will become a public show”

The respected womenfolk who came for Bommakolu, called me aside, when Ammalu was busy inside.
“SP Sir, Ammalu is a wonderful girl”. No woman says that about another woman and I therefore anticipated them to ask the next question, the purpose for which they had approached me.
“Yes she is” I admitted, “she is a girl and she is wonderful”
“SP Sir, what is your opinion about old men?” . The cat comes out of the bag. So, they are determined to browbeat me.
“They are a nuisance”.
Ladies, how many like you haven’t I seen in life ?
They didn’t expect such an instant and juicy reply from me.. I continued,”It is much easier to manage kids and pets than old men. Kids, you can send out for playing, give homework or sit out and if nothing works, you can shout or even strike. Pets, you can chain. None of these will come to your support with oldies”
“Wah! What a wisdom!” In one voice they exclaimed, “Sir, show us the way. We all have an old bird in our tree. We call him Garuda, but he is an owl, doing nothing but keeping an eye on our movements, nagging, murmuring and crying when our husband returns from the office”.
“Request the old man in your house to twist kaimurukku”.
Women generally are good guessers , but they didn’t expect my blow.
Ammalu peered in, hearing the word murukku, followed by pin drop silence and sudden burst of claps.
“But, Sir, how? Even many of us don’t know that trick ; how do you expect the old man in our house to know twisting murukku?” Each of them flashed the same question.
“That exactly is the reason why you should give him the task”
“If he refuses?” A wise lady asked a valid question.
“Tell him that his grand child wants to eat the snack made by him and he wants only murukku. No grand pa will say, ‘no’”
“It will keep him busy the whole day,” I continued.” Moreover, he gets good exercise for his fingers and palm. The sitting on the floor eases the rigidity of his back and legs. He will get up several times to visit restroom, come back and sit- all theses are relaxation techniques.
Old people are easy preys for addiction and he will go to bed moving his fingers. And the next day he will look at your face anxiously expecting the same request,you made the previous day. But he has already made a mess yesterday and you won’t ask him to twist murukku again, So,quietly, you show him the rosary, the string of Tulsi beads, hanging from the hook along with the picture of a god in the pooja room. He will start moving the beads and sit in a corner, closing his eyes. After a few hours, when he gets bored, give him two small balls and ask him to keep rotating in his palms.
His son, observing his dad playing with balls, when he returns late from office, will ask you, how it happened. You explain to him. He will hug you and praise your intelligence. You tell him, smilingly, “you twist murukku this Sunday and improve blood circulation in your hands, back, neck and legs. You need the exercise more than your dad”
I stopped, looked around as if what came out of my mouth was only a milli of my intelligence and enquired, ” any more question, sweet ladies?”
One lady, overcome by emotion, came forward to hug me, a usual practice here, but withdrew reluctantly observing Ammalu’s stern face.
“She is a girl and she is wonderful ” I commented. The good lady was not pleased. But my old lady was.

“No, this won’t last long – your enslaving me for ever, by chaining me to your shaky arm chair, Ammalu. If I send a post card, my children will bring a Pushpak vimAnam and fly me to America”
“Post card? Why not call them? They have provided you a free telephone”
“Am I a fool to do that? They will say, ‘dad, be there obeying what Amma says. For a change , you can go for a movie . Mom will give you money”
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“Ammalu, uproot and discard the notion firmly rooted in your mind that I’m surviving because of you, now, right now. Without you, I can eat, I can dress up, I can dress my hairs, I can button my shirt, I can lace my shoes and walk erect, keeping my head high. Remember that. And pass on this message, to the old lady in your natal house too”
“I shall. Before I go to my mom, let me clean the coffee stain from your shirt and remove the rice sticking to your lip”
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“Ammalu, you want to ask me something. Don’t be afraid. Come on, be free. I’m not a Rakshas or predator, to eat you. I’m a normal good husband. What is your doubt? What is that you want to know about me? What is that you expect from me?”
” I want to know will you ever become a normal good husband?”
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“Ammalu, half my properties I’ll pass on to you, if you——”
“Wait a minute, please. Tell me how many halves can you create out of one?”
“Why? Only two halves”
“I doubt. You have already promised half of your properties to eight women friends of yours”
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“There is a music when Ammini walks, though I’m unable to identify the tune”
“I can help you . MalayamArutham”
“Wind from a hill top. Yes, it is”
“No, wind that moves a mountain”
“Ammalu, you are unkind to your friend”
“SP Sir, her pAvAda nAda, (string of the under garment) got loose. The poor thing was struggling to keep the inner wear in position, which called for some movements of the lower parts. Your mind goes musical about anything connected to any woman”
“Any woman? Is Ammini any woman for you?”
“Unless She is your woman . Then the scenario changes”
“Stupids always talk stupidly”
“Scholars too, at times”
“Ammalu, my BP us shooting up”
“Here is a message to bring down your BP, SP. I just received a call from Ammini. She has safely reached home with her PAvAda in its place”
“Am I here to discuss about the update of the under garment status of any woman, you silly woman?”
“Hip, hip, hurray! Thank you my loving hubby. You said Ammini is ‘any woman’”
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Cine stars like Padukone and Pather Panchali were waiting to marry me, but I chose you to do you a favor. Better you remember this always, Ammalu”
“I shall, if my memory continues to be steady as it is now”
“How do you say it is steady now?”
“As, I well remember that Padukone was not born when you married me to do me a favor and Pather Panchali was not the name of a girl but a movie”
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“I love you because you never obeyed me, Ammalu”
“Had I been obeying you?”
“We both would have gone to dogs”l

“Why don’t we go round the park opposite to our house, holding hand in hand, on a moonlit night, to celebrate our living together peacefully, joyfully, lawfully, for fifty long years, Ammalu?”
“I’m still filled, thrilled, shrilled with the excitement of your first holding my hand, to go round the sacred fire, to mount the stone for your decorating my toes with rings and showing me the Star Arundathy. Don’t do any stupid things now and spoil my memory still fresh like a lovely forest stream .
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“Go wherever you want to, you need not tell me the destination or when you will be back home. But don’t disturb me by calling every five minutes to enquire whether food is ready. If it is ready, I will inform you”
“How, when you don’t know my whereabouts?”
“Whether her husband is near or far, a wife has the God – given intuition to know his movements. You call it an animal instinct, but she has that”
“Had I known this earlier, I would have been more cautious”
“It is OK: now be cautious. Go and come back soon”
“No, Ammalu. I’m not going”
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“Ammalu, Durga Ma appeared in my dream and exhorted, ‘SP, worship Ammalu. She is your goddess, not me’”
“I believe your words but wonder how the Divine mother managed to enter your brain clearing all the cobwebs!”
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Be a sport, Ammalu, instead of spending your life inside the house”
“You want me to play football or sneak into friends’ house and enjoy their quarrel, as you do?”
“The second one is a better option considering your age”
“Done. From now on, you are doing the cooking, mopping and washing the clothes”
“That is very unsportive of you, Ammalu”
“Then let us play foot ball”
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“Ammalu, quick. Hide under the cot. Pattamma is coming. I had told her that I packed you off to your mom’s house”
“Better, you hide. It is my mom, not Pattamma coming. I had told her I packed you off to your mom’s house”
“But I have neither a mom nor a house”
“That is why she is coming to verify. She says, even fifty years after being with you, I haven’t learned A,B,C,D of lying from you”
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“To atone for all my misbehavior, I have decided to worship you during the nine auspicious days and nights, placing you among the dolls for veneration. You need to get down only for making sweet foods to offer to gods, including you”
“Not a bad idea. I will step down once more- when I hear your opening the front door to sneak out and to follow you, with a sword in hand, borrowed from the neighboring goddess chasing you wherever you go”
“I’ll go to Mars!”
“Wherever you go, I said”
“I know Ammalu, you certainly belong to another planet, landed here only to trouble me”
“So, the worship plan?”
“Dropped. Women join hands to harass husbands and I won’t be surprised if you manage to borrow a sword”
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“All the copies of the first print of my book titled,’how to escape from the tyranny of women’, sold, Ammalu”
“Can you somehow get a few copies back?”
“For whom?”
“For your sisters’ husbands and other close relatives of your family. I’m sure they won’t spend money from their pocket and buy your books”
“My sisters !!!!! Ammalu, what nonsense are you talking?”
“Why, they are not women?”
—————————————————/—
“Maintain your status as the wife of a prolific writer.
Talk to our maid and milkman only in English”
“Prolific? What is that?”
“Refer Amazon or Oxford”
“Who are they?”
“Ammalu, Oxford was the name of our maid Oyyaram before she joined us and Amazon is our milkman Aaseervaadam”
” Shall I ask them the meaning of the word, ‘prolific’, if you don’t know ?”
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“All the way, I had to come to marry you, spending money and your mom didn’t reimburse a pie toward train fare and tea expenses. Stingy woman!’
” I forgot to tell you. when she came here last time, she asked me to hand over this amount ”
“Three rupees, thirty pie? for thirty people, towards train ticket and travel expenses form Palakkad to Thiruvnanthapuram?”,
“Thirty people didn’t come to marry me. Only you came for that purpose”
‘My own expense was more than fifty rupees Ammalu”
“OK. produce the actual bill and collect the balance amount”
” Actual bill, after 50 years?”
“Demanding train fare and travel expenses, after fifty years ?”
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“What is the big intimate relationship between husband and wife? I don’t see anything”
“You see me standing before you despite your provocative statement? That answers your question”
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“As you asked, I told mom that you like me”
“What was her reply?”
“‘Too late but not too little from a man like SP’”
————-/——————————————–

There can be only three reasons if your friend shouts at you, for no fault of yours:
1. His wife, busy watching an interesting TV serial, asked him to change their baby’s diaper. A simple task, any hubby would love to do. But your friend made a mess of it, rushed to wash hands, both hands, the water tap refused to oblige, the baby refused to stop yelling, the madam refused to switch off the TV. and his mind refused to work. So, he left everything as such, wife, TV, baby, diaper and came out to yell at you.
2. His boss boasted about the coffee he made and brought in his flask to the office, your friend, when the boss went to the rest room, clandestinely tried to taste his coffee, opened the cap of the flask hurriedly, it slipped from his hand, the hot liquid flashed not on his clothes but on the suit of the boss,who entered hearing the theft from a spy.
The boss didn’t shout, ‘get out’ but whispered to the faithful assistant’s ear, ‘get me a new suit or you lose the job’.
And a much simpler cause,
Your friend has a minor problem, what we call,’Krimi kadi’, krimi is worm, kadi is bite, itch.
When the worms enter the intestine, there will be itching at the lower end of the alimentary canal, through which the solid refuse of digestion is excreted. It is a bit difficult for you to understand my anatomical explanation and the best way is to experience the disturbance.
But if it happens, don’t shout at me, shout at your servant maid, she will complain to your wife that you assaulted her physically and your affectionate wife, realizing your problem will make a Chukku kazhayam and feed you. Chukku is dried ginger, kazhayam is the essence, extracted after a few boiling and cooling treatment. That will help you to vacate the worms from your system.
You may ask what happens to the maid’s complaint. When your system is free of worms, your body will relax, mind will relax. When body and mind relax, you will relax certain rules binding you tight and you will start enjoying life better. Your maid is happy, you are happy. I’m happy.
What happens to my wife, you ask. She is having the itching now, at the —— I forgot my anatomy. Doesn’t matter,
🎥

“Rama wed just one woman but failed to protect her,
Krishna managed to sweep two plus sixteen K and odd and aspired to add more.
Had Rama wed you, Ammalu, Ravana wouldn’t have dared to come near you,
If you were in the collection of Krishna, he would’ve never asked for one more”
“Without ochre robe, you dwarf the Rakshas Raj
Without yellow robe, you dwarf the Dwarak Raj
Neither gods, nor demons equal you in tricks
How me, going nowhere, play with you monkey tricks!”
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“What is the big intimate relationship between husband and wife? I don’t see anything”
“You see me standing before you despite your provocative statement? That answers your question”
————————————————————
“I like you from top to toe, Ammalu. I can talk only about what I see”
“I can talk about what I don’t see too and it is much better than what I see”
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“I’m prepared to walk an extra mile to please you, Ammalu”
“No need. I’m pleased with where you are”
“I expected you to say that you would walk two extra mails to please me”
“Sir, if I do that in action yow will be one mile behind me. No, I don’t want that”
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