“Why do you go and tell everybody, I’m your husband?”
“Then what do I tell them?”
“Say, I’m your boy friend”
“But, you are neither a boy nor a friend”
“The other day, Ammini told me, “you are a naughty boy’”
“Then, she is your friend. Go and play with her”
“Ammalu, is this the age for me to play?”
“Then, you are not a boy”
“Then, what am I?”
“You are my husband. There ends the matter. No more arguments.
You are what?”
“My husband”
“What a gift! I scold you right and left and you laugh at me! I admire you, naughty boy”
“So, I’m your boy friend”
“Of course, you are!”
———————————————————
“Your mom was a great lady till she became my mother in law”
“You are great since you became her son in law. What is important is I’m maintaining your greatness and that is the core point”
“You score on that core point, Ammalu”
——————————————————–
In a family, the husband controls the wife and not the other way. If she takes over the reins, better he quits and goes for SanyAs.
What is that you are giving me, Amnalu?”
“A pair of ocher robes and a four Anna coin”
“Four Annas! For what?”
“For buying inchi muttai or lolly pup”
“Who will give you inchi muttai or lolly pup for four Annas, oldie?”
“Ok. Here you go. One more coin. Buy one for me too. Lolly pup, is my preference”
“You too plan for sanyAs?”
“With none to control over, what do I do here?”
“Wives have no other work, other than controlling their husbands?”
“They have, but not major ones”
———————————————————
“Ammalu, tell your mom that she did not buy me from the Pollachi cattle market for perpetual slavery. I can return anytime, the soiled, torn 2×10 notes, she gave my dad as dowry and come out of her bondage”
“I did tell her yesterday, when we were discussing about you. ‘Why not?’ Said my mom. “Let him return the same torn, soiled notes with 10% interest for 50 years and happily go whoever he wants to’”
“Is she fooling me ? From where will I get the same soiled, torn notes now?”
“That is my responsibility. I will take new notes and tear and soil, for a small commission”
“You are part of the plan of that age- torn woman? And aren’t ashamed, my wife for fifty years, to ask for a commission to oust me from my own house?”
“Ok, no commission. Wait for a day more. My mom will be here tomorrow, talk to her and decide”
“Decide what? To stay back as you can’t live without me?”
“No. To return new notes instead of the torn, soiled ones so that you need not pay me the commission”
——————–
“During my childhood Ammalu, I never crossed a single line drawn by my father”
“I was in fact, wondering why you are crossing so many lines, in your old age. Now,I know the reason”
“Ammalu, your birth star is not that highly auspicious, as mentioned in your horoscope but something else so,so.
An old man from your village gave me this shocking information just now. Don’t know what to do?”
I wish that old man had passed on this valuable information, an hour earlier. I just saw the star mentioned in my horoscope, collapsing, nosediving and vaporizing, due to old age”
“So, no other way but to manage with the wrong entry?”
————————————————–
“My Birthdays are coming too fast”
“Wrong; you walk towards your next birthdays, too fast”
—————————————————
“Ammalu, had I not married you, you think, I would have married Ammini”
“She had worked under you for a long period. How do you judge her intelligence?”
“Super”
‘She would not have married you”
——————————————————
“Ammalu, my problem is not that you don’t love me. My problem is that you love me so much
that you don’t allow me to even look at another woman”
———————————–
Be honest; it helps.
Be good; it helps.
Be bold; it helps.
Do as your wife says. It certainly helps.
——————————
“I had to bow my head in shame when Ammini asked,’what are you doing all the time sitting at home SP Sir? Braiding Ammalu’s hair?”
“Was Nair there, when she chided you?”
“Yes, he was there”
“And he didn’t say a word to support you?”
“No, he was busy braiding Ammini’s hair”
“How intelligent Ammini is! That is how one woman helps another woman, one wife helps another wife. That is how they teach husbands like you, through visual and verbal aids. Yesterday, observing a wound in my hand she decided to tell you, to help me. Her questing to you was in fact, a suggestion, a request.”
“How did she knew the time of my visit, to ask Nair to sit behind, holding her hair? Or was he sitting behind her, right from the morning to give a visual effect?”
“Why didn’t you ask her that question on the spot, instead of bending your head in shame, when she asked you, were you sitting braiding your wife, the whole day?
A tiger before me, you turn into a mouse before Ammini”
”Ammalu, why all these visual and verbal weapons and virtual attacks on me. You could have asked Ammini to braid your hair till your wound is healed ”
“I wanted Ammini to enjoy her husband sitting behind and balding her hair”
“Oh, that is how one woman helps other; one wife helps another wife!”
“You got it right. The comb is in the first drawer of the mirror table”
———————————————————————————————————————
“I would like to be your wife in another 7 births”
“To treat me like Kalyani, our cow?”
“No, to enjoy the jokes of your girl friends, about you ”
“They like me or not?”
“They do. That is the Sudoku problem for me”
———————————————————–
“Ammalu, come on! Enough of this worldly life. Let us go to
Kasi ”
“How many pattu saris will you buy?”
—————————————————
I’m not unhappy when you complain that I have girl friends. I’m unhappy only when you complain about them, Ammalu”
“Who said I’m complaining about them? I pity them”
——————————————————————-
“Wonder how your friends, including Ammini, like you, despite knowing fully well, that you take pleasure in telling lies”
“you have answered your question, Ammalu. As good friends, they want me to be happy. Pleasure is a step above.
Whatever gives me pleasure, gives them pleasure too.None to compare with friends, Ammalu”
“Then how is it that I’m not happy, when you lie?”
“Simple. You are not my friend. Only a wife”
“Only a wife?”
“Ignore please. That was a lie. You are a friend too”
———————————————–
“In the good olden days, whenever I enter home, you used to get up from your seat as a mark of respect. Gone are those golden days, Ammalu”
“Then it was gold. Now it is some cheaper metal joining the upper and lower portions of my legs. At least now, you realize the value of gold and buy me some jewels”
“You continue to sit and enjoy, Ammalu. I dislike male chauvinism”
“Thank God, I’m not maintaining a dairy of words you waste everyday. I would have gone mad”
“And if I were to collect the words you spill, I would have become a diamond merchant, Ammalu!”
“I’m not sure of that . But at least there would have been enough diamonds in your collection to make a diamond necklace for me”
“Who will pay for the gold?”
“Worth noting in my diary”
—————————————————————–
“you have a spare dosa-pan, Ammalu?”
“Why?”
” Ammini in a bad mood, hit Nair’s head with her non-sticky pan and it got stuck on his bald head. She will be coming now to borrow your aluminum pan”
“I won’t give her. She never returns any vessel borrowed and I need a spare one always with me”
“See the rich growth on my head Ammalu. Poor thing why don’t you lend her?”
Author: shivam
-
Ammalu is always right
-
A,B,C for retirees
The first lesson a retiree should remember is his children have not retired from service along with him and he should not therefore, encroach on their time.
The second lesson is he has retired and he is the master of his time.
The third lesson is as he is the master of his time, he should use it scrupulously .
The forth one is he took retirement not for sleeping.
The fifth one is he should wash his plates and clothes and spread his own bed at night and roll it in the morning.
Twenty years after retirement, I’m learning these lessons !
Enjoy your day, if it is day for you there and enjoy the night if it is night for you there. -
You are the theater
To whom do you belong to, the sky, so high?
To the clouds, dreamy, roaming aimless?
To the clouds, roaring ceaseless?
To the Sun who speeds with thousand horses?
To the Moon who sows smiles and dances?
Do the dance groups pay you rent,
Or walk away with a head bend?
Or ask wages to light the lamps
And take them away at the close of camps?
Is thunder your scream when a ghostly wind
Kicks and sweeps clouds off the ground?
Rain, your tears when the friendly clouds
Fight and fall down in bits and pieces?
Do you feel the pain when clouds
Cracks and drop down screaming?
Do you feel the joy when they all
Come back and start playing?
To whom do you belong, the sky, so high?
“I belong to none and none belongs to me,
The motions and commotions, all in you,
Sun shines, moon smiles all you view,
Even the cloud bursts , dark and radiance
The theater you’re; me the audience” -
My maiden movie adventure
Kavassery, my mother’s birth place, is a small village in the outskirts of Palakkad. I happened to spend a few days there, as a boy during holidays. My cousin of my age asked me to sleep on the thinnai ( a raised platform in front of the Brahmin houses, roofed but front opened), to escape from the humidity inside and when I protested, fearing the pitch darkness surrounding the area, he tempted me to show a Yakshi, who, he said, used to visit the close-by tank and sing on its bank, spreading wide her hair. Yakshi in our folklore, is the female of Yaksha, with beautiful appearance, wearing snow -white clothes capable of treading earth without her legs touching the ground. When angry, the malevolent one is capable of killing men and drink blood. There are many stories of Yakshies, which mothers used to narrate for the speedy eating of their kids. There is a huge Yakshi statue in the Malampuzha Garden near Palakkad, created by my bachelor room- mate and former college, artist late Dharmadathan
Anxious to have a glimpse of such an abnormal character, though from a distance as I lacked the courage to go nearby, I agreed to cousin’s suggestion and slept outside. After an hour or so, he woke me up and asked me to follow him, revealing his real plan. It was to take me to a movie in the Swathy theater, more than a mile away. Though I was disappointed that I would not be able to meet a Yakshi, was happy to some extend that I would be watching a movie. At Olavakkode, where I grew, a theater was available close by and admission was free for us, as the owner and manager were my father’s Customers. The problem was my father would never allow us to watch movies, though during his younger days, as per his own account, he used to go for theater plays and even used to narrate some scenes too, during his leisure hours. His favorite actor was ‘Nawab’ Rajamanickam and singer Kittappa.
Crossing many marshy paddy fields, in utter fear owing to various sounds created by frogs, owls and other night birds, fearing bites from snakes and crabs, in pitch dark, we reached the Cinema theater. The journey was a child’s play for my cousin, born and brought up in the village and a horror for me, a child from a town adjacent to a busy railway junction, where the lights never used to be switched off at night due to the thriving business from the floating population.
It was a lousy picture but I enjoyed my maiden movie adventure, seated on the rough concrete floor, whistling and clapping along with the others, mostly farmers, who had come there seeking small merriment. The apex of joy was when an uncle, suddenly raised from his seat, raised both hands above, joined the palms and screamed,’ Rama chandra!”, when the Rama character appeared on the screen. When I mentioned about this to my father on my return home, he said casually, ‘that fellow would have boozed’.
Near the exit gate, a strong arm held my wrist and when I turned towards my cousin he too was struggling to escape from the clutches of another strong arm. Yes, my uncle, cousin’s father had followed us silently, without our knowledge and took us back home, ‘to treat us properly’, to use his words.
I have since then, watched several movies in India and abroad, in posh theaters. But, the excitement, anxiety and joy of my maiden movie experience were unique.
That night, I had a dream and it was not a beautiful woman with widely spread black hairs, treading an inch above the ground, but my bald headed uncle, who came as a Yakshi to suck my blood. Only consolation was like the legendary damsel, he too wore snow-white clothing and the major difference was his teeth were small and separated unlike the big, sharp, threatening tooth rows of Yakshi.
Always I look for a silver lining in any dark, black cloud settings and invariably I get it. -
Ammalu is always right
—————————————————————————————————–
“Go ahead, no objection if you want go out and enjoy Onam feast with your your friends. Only one condition: On your return, don’t give a lecture on the length and colour of their sari, or shape of the pappadams , they served. I have seen their saris, I know the length and colour. I know the shape of the pappadams too. We bought pappadams together from the same shop”
——————————————————————
“I like people to be free, frank, open, like me.
Be open my wife. Tell me, If you don’t like me. Tell others if you like me”Am I a wife or tea – taster?”
————————————————————————
“I’m really lucky to have you as my wife, Ammalu. You know, why?”“If not me, who else will know that?”
———————————————————————————
“Once a while, I enjoy the peace and liberty of your absence, Ammalu”“Sharing the absence. A tonic it is for every married couple”.
————————————————————–
“Once, just once, I want to hear you calling me,
‘PrAnanAthA’, as epic heroines used to address their husbands. I’m prepared to do any service to you for that favour”“Why once ? I will call you so from morning to evening. At home, in the temple, in marriage halls, in children’s home, in America, in Canada, wherever we go together”
“Let us drop the idea, Ammalu. Your yelling behind me, holding a fry pan, screaming ‘PrAnanAtha’, is unimaginable, even when I’m within the four walls of the house”
“But, PrAnAthA, I can drop the fry pan and call you”
” Stupid woman, be serious. If you call me so once more I will throw you into the Kalpathy River”
“Once more, just once more?”
——————————————————————————“Ammalu, a female lion is lioness and a female tiger is tigress . As the president of the Humbled Husbands’ Association I protest the additional two ‘ss’ for the female folks”
“Tigers and lions being proud husbands like you, will hesitate to say, ‘yes,yes’ to what their women folks say. So, the wise grammarians added that sound to satisfy the weakened wives’ ego.
I expected you to know this as an authority in English”
———————————————————————————
“Two people live in a house and both were fighting like wild animals. Worried what would have happened now”“If both were men, they would have stopped the fight, the moment you left and went to the nearest cafe and sharing a half Chai. If they were women, they would be still fighting till hunger takes over.
If they were husband and wife, he would have fallen at her feet and be comfortable there till she wakes him up for food. No need to worry in any case”“Ammalu, I’m not like other husbands. I’m a tiger among men. I will never fall at your feet”
” I know. The tiger only wags its tails”
———————————————————————
“Whom do you like more, Ammalu, me or our little Dhruv?”“You, of course. Dhruv is reasonable”
” A baby of just one year old is reasonable and not me!”
“Dhruv understands”
“Dhruv has all the attributes and me, nothing!
Then, why did you marry me? Ammalu?”“That was why I married you and that is why I love you. Dhruv will flourish without my love whereas you need my support from dawn to dusk”
“Even my mother won’t say that”
“Exactly. So, don’t ask me why I like you more than I like little Dhruv”
__________________________________________________________________________________
“Don’t get angry, if by poor sight, I press elsewhere, in stead your legs, Ammalu”“By poor sight, permitted ; not by oversight”
________________________________________________________________________
-
An ode to an old lady
She is above law,
My only mother in law.
Me, her only son in law,
The one with no flaw
For her, an outlaw!
She bought me for a floor ticket
For a lousy talkie seat.
The owner of a rocket launch base
Flats and pools, steeds for race
Me, for her, a meek mouse!
“A liar’ she said first, then elevated
My status to ‘bluffer’
‘Cheat’, she looked up and yelled
All about me, God didn’t hear
His hear aid failed.
“Didn’t you hear the abuses she barked?”
That he heard, the battery worked
“Not on you?” God asked.
“No, on you” I said. His eyes sparked
Thunderbolts rocked.
God tore a bus ticket, she said,”No,
Give him that, for me air ticket”
“Foolish woman, you reach fast
By air, bye, bye, my tires will flat
Or gas won’t last”
There comes slowly, Ammalu
Tells God, ” don’t buy trouble
One will fill the sky with bluffs
Other with Ayurvedic stuff
You can’t manage; I can” -
My Guru
He teaches the Sun to shine, the moon to change
The stars to twinkle, the oceans to dance,
The seeds to raise head, the plants to flower,
My mind to glow, my Guru, my eternal lover.
.
-
Ammalu is always right
“Some friends ask me, “SP, why are you after Ammalu, even at this age?”
“Do one thing. When we go out together, I will walk behind you”
“Despite my being daily after you for learning some English, you haven’t learned even the basics”
“Tell them that. You are after me to teach ‘some’ English”
“You have mastered that language and I need not be after you, Ammalu”
——————————————–
“All my friends liked my Onam sari gift, Ammalu”
“Yes, they did and showed me the saris too. You gave them all only sari each and for me, two. Why”
“Don’t expose your stupidity to me and don’t take me to be a fool. Had I had bought only one sari to you too, there would have been only Onam fireworks here and not Onam feast. I like feast, especially the one made by my mother in law”
“How did you find out that she is here and she cooked the food?”
“Again a stupid question and a stupid assessment of my brains. I bought two saris for her too!”
“You are no doubt, a Mahabali!”
“Don’t stamp on my head. I’m not an annual visitor here”
“I want you to be with me always. Not for Onam alone. But gift two saris for every Onam”
—————————————————-
“I enjoyed your company for fifty years and for that I’m grateful to that God treading the earth, (treading firmly), your mom, who provided me that opportunity. Now, can I have a boon from you? I want to be away from your eyes’ reach for just five days. Hope you won’t have any objection”
“Sorry, I can’t . Soon after you uttered a few words to her, during your first meet, the God, treading the earth( treading firmly), ordered, ” keep him always under your eyes’ reach”
“A real God she is! She didn’t order you to keep me always under your arm pit!”
“God has eyes every were. She had seen you slipping from your mom’s armpit even before she taught you toddling and treading the earth ( treading firmly)
“So, who is the real God Ammalu, me or your mom?”
“That exactly is my predicament. And it is me who deserves to be away from the eyes’ reach of you both” -
Ammalu is always right
“BrahmAnanda Saraswathy from Rishikesh, is staying in local Mutt. He is asking for an appointment”
“From me?”
“Which Swamy will seek an appointment from you, Ammalu?. Are you a saint or a scholar like me?”
“No. If he were thrown away by his Saraswathy, he might need my help”
“Silly woman! He is not thrown away. He us only away from Saraswathy. That is why that ‘BrahmAnandam”.
“If he is a man with no Sarswathy, why seek appoint from a scholar like you?”
“Ammalu, you are an expert in playing with words”
“So, I’m a scholar. Swamiji wanted to meet with me and not you”
—————————————–
“Do a favor please. Hand over to your mom, this a/c two tier ticket to Varanasi, fifty Rupees cash for travel expenses and eight Anna’s extra”
“You have become a spend -thrift. Why eight Anna’s extra?”
“For buying a post card to inform us the moment she reaches there”
“But mom is planning to go to Kalpathy and not to Kasi”
“Kalpathy is not even half the distance to KAsi. She can use the same ticket as it is within the distance limit”
“I see your point. Do one thing. Buy one more ticket to anywhere in India, for me to accompany my mom. We both will dip our bodies in a holy river, to wash of my blunder in choosing you as my
husband ”
“Ammalu. Be truthful. It was I who chose you as my wife”
“Then, keep that single ticket with you and take a dip in any holy waters and thank God, who gave you the inspiration and intellect for choosing me as your wife”
—————————————
” I’m under your wrench like grip and nobody can take me away from you. That is how I’m able to sleep sound, Ammalu”
“My grip is becoming loose, of late. But don’t worry, I get up once or twice at night to make sure that your bed is not vacant”
“Oh,what a wife!”
“Oh,what a husband!”
——————————————-
“I have to be away from home for a day or two on some urgent work. Worried how you will manage the house, Ammalu”
“If you are not in the house, what is there to manage?” -
Sweet dreams, similar backs and scary scars
“Sweet dreams” Ammalu wished from the kitchen.
“Sweet dreams”, her mom wished from her bed room.
The dream, I had was really ‘sweet’ – one woman going through my personal diary and the other my bank account.
————————————————————————
“Did you tell the lady who came this morning to our house that, from back, she looks like me?”
“Yes, I did. What is wrong in it?”
“My back is not like hers”
“How do you know that? You have eyes behind your head too?”
“I’ve eyes all over my body to keep a watch over you. Next, why did you look at her back?”
“Ammalu, unlike you, I’m provided with only two eyes. So, I have to look either at back or at the front. I chose back for obvious reason”
“That lady didn’t appreciate your action. She complained to me”
“Wonder how women behave! To me she said, “thank you sir, for keeping a watch at my back”
————————————————————————————–
“There are three holes in the vessels your mom gave as a wedding gift, Ammalu. I just finished counting ”
“Fifty years have passed by. Still counting the holes in the vessels? Count the holes in your character, my beloved hubby”
“You are doing that job everyday, my chubby .
And that too exceedingly well”
——————————————————————————————
I remember having seen a hole on the back of your head at the time of our weddings. What happened to that, Ammalu?”
“I didn’t see, as it was at my back and not at the front. But my mom told me that the blank space got filled up with your wisdom, soon after our wedding”
” Sure? I didn’t see but my mom told me that the wisdom while overflowing had a left a scar”
“Shall I ask my mom again?”
“Certainly not. I don”t want a bigger scar to sit on my head”
