Category: A10 — AMMULU STORIES AND OTHER FUN FOUNTAINS

‘How is our ninth century nine yards Narayani?’

‘Who is that?’

‘Your mom. Who else?’

‘She is in the kitchen’

‘AyYo, OMG! not your mother, my mother!’

‘Your mother’s name is not Narayani and she is not prehistoric like my mom but a lady of latest fashion donning jeans and T-shirt’

‘Ammalu, sorry for my slip of the tongue . I worship your mother next to Madurai Meenakshi. Uttered some nonsense without knowing that she is right in our house. Please ask your respected mom whether she will come with us for a movie’

‘With pleasure. I will call home now’

‘You said she is in the kitchen!!!’

‘She IS in the kitchen, HER kitchen’

———————-
‘So, Ammalu, with great difficulty, I have successfully completed the Shivarathri fast thrust on me, by you.
Smile charming lady’

‘Smile, how? Peanuts, cashew nuts, jaggery balls, puffed rice- the entire stock in my pantry has vanished in one day!
———————————

‘From now on, I want a separate room for myself, Ammalu.

‘Let me ask my mother and tell you’

‘Why your mother? Madam, this is my house, built from my money. None in the world including you, have any right over it’

‘I doubt’

‘What you doubt? Shall I show you the registration papers?’

‘I don’t believe in those papers’

‘Ammalu, the Registered document is the ultimate authority’

‘What does it show ?’

‘About my absolute ownership of this house’

‘If so, why did you ask for my permission to occupy one room for yourself? As a traditional wife, I trust your words more than any records’

‘Ok . I’m asking you to vacate my house. Now!’

‘Let me ask my mother?

‘Why? Why?’

‘As a modern women it is my right to stay her’

‘If that is the case, what’re you going to ask your mother?’

‘Whether I should allow you to stay here or not’

‘My inner conscious tells me Ammalu, that your mother brought you into this world only to trouble me. We’re poles apart in all respects’

‘You’re right SP. My outer conscious too tells me that’

‘You have no business to mock me’

‘Mocking? Now you’re joking Sir! Can’t I have a conscious of my own? Can’t it be outside when yours is inside, as I’m on the pole opposite to yours? Use your inner brain SP’
————————-

‘Ammalu, I see the newly wedded couple in our side portion, quarreling through out the day. Wonder when they romance!’

‘Throughout the night. And respected Sir, why are you concerned ?

‘SP, why did you dance last night when my friend Chandmukhi came home for watching the eclipse ? What is your age, and is this the way to behave when a friend comes to our house?’

‘Ammalu, your friend actually came to show off her gorgeous sari and not to see the lunar eclipse. Was there no moon in her sky?’

‘But why did you dance?’

‘For the simple reason that you didn’t observe her sari and ask me to buy a similar one for you’

‘Thank you for reminding me. We will go to Chettiar and buy two, one for my mom’
——————

‘You have an irreparable problem with you, SP,’ complained my friend’s wife. ‘you talk unnecessarily’. That was when I argued with her and favoring her husband, in their quarrel.

‘Ok, you both fight and break your heads. Why should I bother?’
I withdrew, dejected.

The next day, I visited them and found them quarreling again.
I didn’t utter a word.

‘Were you born dumb?, teased my friend’s wife in anger. ‘Open your mouth and say something, old man!’

‘Ammalu, you fought with me during our young days. I managed. You continue to fight with me. I don’t know where this will land us. I think I should consult our family astrologer Panikkar’

‘Please do that. I know where our young days’ fight landed us. You too know and I’m sure you’re happy about it. But, now? Really don’t know SP. Let the wise Panikkar tell us’

‘

‘I’m what I’m and you’re what you’re. Let us not encroach on other’s domain, Ammalu’

‘What domain are you talking about?’

‘My house, my properties, my friends, my books and everything you see here’

‘Ok. I won’t allow others to encroach on my property too’

‘Ha, ha! What property do you have here old lady?’

‘You!’

‘No, I’m not going to sit here 24 hours doing the duty of watchman. I will go wherever I want to go, Ammalu. You can’t stop me’

‘I’m not stopping you. You want to sit here boring your young -days adventures into my ears’

‘Love the way, you have handled the word ‘boring ‘ Ammalu. Glad that you didn’t say, I’m boring you. Now, I don’t want to go. I will sit here looking at your beauty’

‘SP, today, you’re boring me too much’
——————-

‘Why’re you sneezing so loud and harsh, Ammalu? You will bring down the roof’

‘How else do I let out my anger towards your sitting idle before the mirror enjoying your middle globe’s motion, when I struggle pulling water from the deep well?’

‘Pick up the phone please, SP’

‘Ammalu, I have only two hands, not twelve like Lord Subrahmania or twenty like Ravana’

‘It is Ok. I will attend to the call from Ammini’

‘It is from Ammini? How do you know?’

‘Before serving your food , I had asked her to call after two minutes . I have an urgent message to be conveyed to her’

‘Tell me the urgent message. I will pass it on’

‘SP is my husband and not yours ‘- this is my message. Please pass on to her’

‘No Ammalu, you better do it’

‘Why, you have any doubt in what I said ?’

‘No. Not at all’

‘Then why are you hesitating ? As you have only two hands?’

‘Ammalu, the sankranthi greetings received by me from foreign countries are in fact, bouquets of praises for my proficiency in English’

‘Your English is much better now?’

‘When was it bad, madam?’

‘Before you married me. You remember, you stopped me on the bank of the Kalpathy river and proposed to me (in foreign style unnecessarily) dropping down on one knee, and asked, ‘will you carry me?’ instead of, ‘will you marry me?’

‘Ammalu, you booked only two tickets for the movie?

‘Why, you have gifted me a son or daughter after your sixtieth birthday?’

‘Be serious, Ammalu. Ammini wanted to join us’

‘SP, if Ammini wants to go for movie, she will go with her husband, son or daughter or son in law or daughter in law or with a friend, who is much younger than you. She knows my movie program and didn’t say she want to accompany us.
If you, on your own, want to take her, make her to sit on your lap . I am not going to buy a ticket for her ‘

‘Ammalu, please try to understand that I’m the owner of this house. This house belongs to me. I bought this house in my name. No one else has any right in this house’

‘Four unnecessary sentences conveying a wrong message’

‘What do you mean? This house doesn’t belong to me?’

‘If this house belongs to you, our kitchen too belongs to you?’

‘Yes’

‘Exactly. So, from this moment onwards, you are taking charge of the kitchen and cook for us. Remember four sentences you used to say that this house belongs to you and you confurmed that  the kitchen is a part of the house’

‘My dream wife was endowed with at least 10% of my talents in poetry, music, oratory, acting, writing etc but what I got was a semi literate. No meaning in getting irritated in my observation, Ammalu, but write one line in English, if you can. Just one line ‘

‘Give me your iPad, please’

‘IPad? Don’t use it as a dosa pan! Here it is’

”SP, my hubby, you were my fan
Ere you wedded this dosa pan..
Now your IQ is a big Q,
Intelligence an inverted U,
Your maths is a big circle,
Chemistry a mystery,
Your English is on long lease
Tongue needs coats of grease.

English I can’t write, you say
But I can write off and throw away
Your Ammini like a peanut cover
Your Pattu like a sickly flavor,
Ammu like a pumpkin seed
And Syamu like a thorny weed.

You may grumble, but you won’t be out
For you punishment, an hour sit -out
SP, my poem you can make out?
If so, take a print out, frame
Hang on our your bed room wall
And fume!