‘Ammalu, did Paru come with a complaint about me, an hour ago?
‘No. Her husband came’
‘Oh, my god! Wonder why women complain to their husbands. Bad habit’
‘Yes, it is. That’s why I don’t bring my complaints to you’
‘Someone misbehaves with you? Tell me his name. I will extract his one ear from the head’
‘That was what Paru’s husband also told me’
‘What? He will extract one ear from my head?’
‘Not one, both ears’
cartoon courtesy Ramki chennai
‘Ammalu, why stand there? Come and sit on this bench’
‘SP Sir, I’m not Ammalu madam. I’m your new tenant Valsala’
‘Where is Ammalu?’
‘She has gone out sir’
‘It is ok. You can sit on this bench’
‘That is not a bench. You are sitting in a chair’
‘So, what? You can also sit’
‘Thank you Sir. Let me ask Ammalu madam’
‘You said she has gone out’
‘Now she is back sir’
‘Oh, my God! Stand wherever you are Valsala’
‘Ammalu, you are going to be my wife for the next twenty one births’
‘No SP. I’m not available’
‘You are not available? What other big engagement you have? And Ammalu, how could you change your wedding day decision after living together for sixty years?!
‘No, I changed my decision the very next day’
‘In one day, you changed your decision?’
‘One day was more than enough to know you’
SP, every time you go out, I receive some complaints or other about you. Enough. Sit in a corner reading old copies of Anandavikatan, like other men of your age’
‘Ammalu, I’m not like other old men. Hot blood flows through my veins and capillaries. My friends, in hundreds, will be waiting to hear from me the latest political developments. I can’t sit idle. To please you, however, for a few hours, I will stay at home. Give me some active work so that I don’t doze off like you’
‘Ok, can you make roties?!
‘Not men’s job’
‘Can you clean the kitchen shelves?’
‘Women’s job, . Give me a work to suit my gender and vigor, Vitality and mentality, artistic skill and articulating ability’
‘Catch the mouse hiding somewhere in our pantry’
In the busy morning hours for the housewife when she has to cook, wake up the school -going children, gets them up ready before the school bus or auto screams at the gate, attend to the needs of babies, oldies, servant maid and office -going husband, the husband has to cooperate. I was a very adjustive and adjustable hubby and I’m happy about that. .
‘Where is my bath towel, Ammalu?’
‘In the bath room’
‘Nothing stays in its place in this house,’ I complain
”Everything is in its place except your mind!’, she retorts.
‘My behind us behind you, Ammalu’, I cajole her.
‘Ideal time for romance!’, she complains.
When you should romance, either you sleep or in your friend’s house’
Real fun is in the evening, soon after I return from office.
‘Ammalu, you forgot to pack thayirmolagaj’, fried chilies.
‘Avakkai pickle was there in your tiffin dabba’
‘Nothing can replace thayirmolagai, like nobody can replace you!’
‘No, SP, You are the cool curd and me the hot chili 🌶’
Ammalu, why stand there? Come and sit on this bench’
‘SP Sir, I’m not Ammalu madam. I’m your new tenant Valsala’
‘Where is Ammalu?’
‘She has gone out sir’
‘It is ok. You can sit on this bench’
‘That is not a bench. You are sitting in a chair’
‘So, what? You can also sit’
‘Thank you Sir. Let me ask Ammalu madam’
‘You said she has gone out’
‘Now she is back sir’
‘Oh, my God! Stand wherever you are, Valsala’
——————-
Ammalu, one who knows what to say, when to say and how to say, is a genius. Do you know?’
‘Yes, I know and you’re a genius!’
‘Who told you? You don’t have enough stuff in your head to know by yourself ‘
‘Amma told me?’
‘Really? When, yesterday?’
‘No, the day you came with your parents to meet me with the alliance proposal ‘
‘How did she find out in our very first meet?’
‘The moment she placed dishes of sweets and snacks on the table, you enquired, ‘Thayir vadai illaya- no dahivada ?’
Amma says that was the thing to say, the time to say and the way to say!’
‘Then why did my dad admonish me, ‘madaya, fool, this is not the time to ask, the thing to ask and the way to ask?’
‘He was not, perhaps a genius like you’
———-
‘Ask any woman in this village about my honesty, Ammalu. They all will say that I’m the most honest husband’
‘I should say that, not they!’
‘Don’t get angry ; I was only generalizing’
‘Generalize anything, not my right for my husband’
‘For fun, Ammalu’
‘Husband – wife relationship is not fun; there can be fun only between them. They should not be fun for others’
‘Ammalu, you are my wife. Right?’
‘Any doubt?’
‘No doubt at all. Then why are you objecting if I introduce you to my visitors as Mrs. SP?’
‘Don’t I have a name of my own? Shall I introduce you to my visitors as Mr. Ammalu?’
‘Ammalu, that is mot the practice’
‘Where?’
‘In the West’
‘Are we in the west?’
‘Ok, I can’t argue with you. I will introduce you as ‘my old woman’
‘Who is your new woman?’
‘Please, please save me. I will introduce you as Ammalu’
Ammalu, touching at the appropriate point, is important. See this smart phone in my hand. Unless I touch in the exact points in its key board, my thought won’t be converted into words.
Similarly, for the violin strings to convert touches into music, the points in its body are very important.
Not touching anywhere, as you like’
‘Why do you tell me all these, SP? I’m not going to touch you anywhere!’
‘If I touch you?’
‘What can I covert your touches to, however precise your touches are, at this age, old man?’
‘SP, why did you go to my mom’s house and trouble her?’
‘I went and troubled her? I went their to pay my respect on Gurupoornima day. That is all’
‘That is not all. What did you do then?’
‘I kept a one rupee coin at her feet and sought her blessings. That is all’
‘That is not all. Tell me what happened afterwards?’
‘The benevolent lady bent down, blessed me, picked up the one rupee coin and said, placing it in my hand:
‘ inchimittai vAnkikko’- buy ginger toffee on your way back home’
—————
Ammalu, do you really love me ?’
‘Not sure. But when you don’t eat in time, I feel the hunger.
When you get hurt, I feel the pain.
And when you ask such stupid questions I feel sympathy for you’
——–
‘Ammalu, today is Gurupoornima. Let us go and take your mother’s blessings’
‘SP, I never knew that she was your teacher. What did she teach you?’
‘One of the several conditions she laid down when I met her to seek your hands, was that I should grind 3 kilos of parboiled rice and one kilo of udagdal, in the stone wet grinder which was as big in size as your mom, in exactly 30 minutes.
‘No way, Amma’, I told her.
She was pleased when I addressed her as ‘Amma’
She took my hand to the pestle and made me rotate it and passed on a gem of advice from her mouth.
‘Whatever my daughter says, you should move your head as effortlessly as the pestle moves’
‘Will you?’ she asked then, majestically raising her head.
‘Yes, mom’, I said humbly bowing my head.
‘Ammalu is yours!’ She proclaimed .
‘And that is our guru-sishya bandaham.’
———
Don’t you think Ammalu, that we should be a bit romantic in our life?’
‘What is that?’
Oh, you are an old Murphy radio. How to explain to you about iPhone and iPad ?’
‘If you explain properly, I will try to understand. As proverbial professor, you know the skill of explaining even inexplainable things’
‘I’m glad that you have understood my greatness.
Romance means Ammalu, I look at you and you look at me–‘
‘We don’t do that?
‘That is just ordinary looks. I’m talking about a type of Jim,Jim look!’
‘You can’t explain what is romance and you say, Jim,Jim, gum, gum. I will go to one of your friends and get my doubt clarified. I will look at him, he will look at me- up to that I understood’
‘Enough, enough, Ammalu. That is more than enough. That exactly is romance, Ammalu, we have plenty of that.. enough o enough!’
‘Ammalu, amazing is the artistic talents of this girl, our Ammini’
‘Wait a minute please. She is not our Ammini, may be yours. She is not a girl but a kiizhavi, older than me. And the only art she excels is steeling teaspoons in sister -in -law’s house.
Ok, now tell me about her artistic adulations’
‘Bending her back and knees and pressing her hands on her knees, raising her head and looking ar my face, she said;
‘SP, your face is shining like freshly ground sambar powder
spread on a stainless steel plate!’
‘Art at its advanced stage! ! Kitchen sAhityam! And you admire arthritic bend of back as artistic bend of mind!’
‘You are jealous of her, as she never praises you’
‘Least bothered. You admire me, that will do’
‘Really? When madam?’
‘This morning. Pleading for one more masala dosa you said my back is like a fresh dosa from the pan, folded neatly and my face is like the aalu sabji packed inside it’
‘Ammini jokes?’
‘No, Ammalu rocks!’
Ammalu, I won’t make one step inside the house unless you ask your mother to vacate my house. Did you hear, ‘my house’, I said. This is my house and if you have any doubt see the name board’
‘SP, my mom came with kaipokkoda for you. Shall I ask her to vacate your house?’
‘My house? What nonsense are you talking Ammalu? This is your house. Your mom has every right to come and stay in her daughter’s house’
‘Name board, SP?’
‘What’s in a name, what’s in a board?’
‘Ammalu, if there is a will, there is a way. My will says my immovable assets will go to my children
and my movable asset ( that is you) will get my note book and a ball pen so that you will sit in a corner and learn English’
‘SP, you talked only about your will and not about the way. I will do that job for you.
You will dumb your will in the well at our backyard, take the paper and ball pen and start writing ‘SreerAma jayam’ so that your confusion in thinking, talking and walking may vanish. ( I’m not using the word ‘will’ as I’m not sure whether even the all powerful Ramanama can change you to a wiser man). Don’t worry. I will continue to love you as you’re lovable with all your stupid wills and ways ‘
‘Ammalu, don’t try to gain sympathy from our children, just because, you are a woman. No difference between men and women’
‘No difference SP? Are you funny or foolish?’
‘I’m a man’
‘There you are! Thank you’
‘Oh, my God, Ammalu! Our astrologer ThAtchu Panikkar says , had I married not you but any other woman , I will be rolling and rolling in happiness. Where would I have reached by now had it happened?’
‘In the Indian Ocean!’
‘How?’
‘Rolling and rolling , where else you would have reached?’
Living under the same roof, we have to find a meeting point, despite our diverse interests and intellectual abilities, Ammalu’
‘Don’t we have one?’
‘Where?’
‘Dining table’
‘In the heart of my heart, I have an unfulfilled desire, Ammalu.
In the presence of my friends, I will stand rising my head high, proudly and you should fall at my feet. I will lift you up saying, ‘it is ok ”
‘SP, it is not ok. You can’t bend down and pick up even a pen or paper. How will you lift me up? I’m prepared to fall at your feet not once but a hundred times. Each time, your friends will lift me up. Will you still say, ‘it is ok’?
Think before saying something, great man!’
‘Ammalu, there is no age bar for learning. Shall I appoint a home tuition to teach you ‘A’,’B’,C’,’D’?’
‘I don’t like to learn from others. You learn first and teach me. There is no age bar for learning’
‘Ammalu, way back from the temple went casually to meet our astrologer ThAtchu Panikkar.
After thoroughly studying our two horoscopes for over an hour, he asked me in anger, ‘which idiot matched these two horoscopes? What he said afterwords, horrified me,
‘There is not a single matching point!”
‘He wasted an hour to arrive at that conclusion, which he would have achieved by spending a minute or two with us. Any way, without a single matching point, we have four children. Imagine the result, if all the ten points had matched!’
‘Ammalu, for heaven”s sake never underestimate my love for you. I’m prepared to go to any extend to prove my sincerity, affection, love, dedication for you. I’m prepared to do any work you want me to do.
I’m –‘
‘Please close the main gate, when you leave!’
‘It is my desire, wish and prayer that you should continue to be my wife for another twenty births, Ammalu!’
‘Thank you. But, I desire to have a break for one or two births just to watch the fun. Let your old friends whom you always praise have an innings or two with you’
My mind murmurs that you’re not my wife, Ammalu”
‘Did it really?’
‘Yes, my queen’
‘What am I, then, here?’
‘You’re here to cook and serve me food. Not me, but my mind says so, my Marakathavalli’
‘I’m asking you again, SP. Did your mind really say so?’
‘Yes, my NAtchiyar. Have I ever lied to you’
‘Something seriously wrong .Your mind is in a wrong place.’
‘Why, the red rose of my dream?’
‘If not me, who else carried and delivered your children? your mind ? If so, it is in a wrong place, my lord for this world and the next seven worlds’
‘We’re living together for several years. I don’t think we are coming closer and closer, Ammalu’
‘We did and had the result. No more now and thank God for that’
‘Everything about me is attractive, say my friends. Wish I could say the same about you, Ammalu!’
‘You can, but not your friends!’