Category: A10 — AMMULU STORIES AND OTHER FUN FOUNTAINS

Ammalu, two thousand ants can live in a hole, but two lions can’t live in a forest. Either you or me in this house. Decide fast’

‘SP, awake. This is our home, not the forest. I’m lioness and not lion. That was decided the day I married you. That was how we could become parents. Get up, pl. ur morning coffee is ready ‘

‘I made my statement in full awareness’

‘Then for coffee, go to Rama Iyer Hotel’

‘Ammalu, I was in fact, snoring when I made that statement. Aren’t we like two halves of a modakam?’

‘That makes sense. Taste both these pieces and tell me which half is sweeter’

‘Ammalu, today is Mother’s day. Poor, my mother! How she struggled to teach you the basic things a girl should have known and which you didn’t know’

‘SP,  you’re wrong. The basics a girl should know before she gets married, I was aware of. Otherwise, my mom wouldn’t have agreed for our weddings’

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‘Things are never in the right place in this house, including you and hence the problem, Ammalu’

‘The bath towel is in the towel rod, the toilet soap is in the soap box, both in the bathroom. I’m in the kitchen, you, in your bed room, both inside our house. I think, you can’t expect better placements, considering our age’

‘I don’t know how it happens, but it happens. It happens every time when my stars and planets go wrong for me’

‘What happened SP? Front page of today’s newspaper is torn or missing?’

‘No Ammalu.  Ammini says she could gather one more letter from her cupboard. And that was written by me on the verge of my retirement, asking her not to forget me. Undiluted lie. Don’t even look at that trash if she shows to you. I just want to warn you, don’t get misguided. She is not trustworthy. I never wrote a single personal letter to her, when she was my assistant’

‘Don’t worry on such a small issue. Let that letter reach me. With that trash, see how I make your stars and planets turn favorable to you’

When I was a child, have heard elderly women in our villages asking young married women waiting for their maiden pregnancy , ‘ippavum kulikkaraya?’- in their colloquial, it means, ‘still continue to have ( daily ) bath?. That is the way of their  asking, ‘still waiting for your first baby?’.

Such a question, when asked by several people, really hurts. 

And those who ask knew that fact, but still continued to ask and hurt others.

I thought it is a past story.

Sorry to learn, it is not. 

Even now, even in cities, people make such enquirers not only to close relatives or friends, but to others too, I was told. Young men too are not spared.

Here in USA, the world of 70 miles speed-  life, where women hardly find time to get pregnant, do have people time to think about the pregnancy of others?

Only once, during my first visit to USA, I asked a lady in my next seat a personal question- whether she was married.

She replied, ‘thrice’ and  posed a counter question to me,

‘Would you like to be my fourth hubby?’

I looked at Ammalu, with a pathetic face.

With a naughty wink Ammalu said ‘Permission granted’

People with excess leisure hours like me, have a tendency to collect unwanted information, while those in active age,  look only for what they want for their profession or business or education. Even routine information on the  cost of petrol, vegetables or milk is useful for a housewife . I don’t have any such needs and the time available at my disposal is plenty .

Therefore, I go around and gather all sorts of informations, analyze the data and store for the future use! 

I had a tendency to collect scrap, even during my active days. What was, otherwise, the need for me to enquire the cost of a bag of cotton seeds when I went for buying a 1/4 kilo of jaggery from a provision store?  

‘One bag of cotton seeds!,’ wondered Moothan, the shop owner at the Palakkad angadi or market. ‘Hope you ‘re not eating these seeds instead of rice. I’m sure there are no cattle in your house’

Moothan had a point, but what I fail to digest was the retort of a pregnant lady, while I was helping her to get down from a  ‘Mayilvahana’ bus, at Kavasserry.

‘Your baby -delivery is going to be in your mother’s place or mother in law’s?,’ That was all what I asked her. An innocent question, as you will admit. You know what her arrogant reply was? 

 ‘Mostly, it will be in your house’.

My face, instantly, turned gloomy, as Ammalu, who was just behind me in the bus, was hearing our dialogue. Fortunately for me, my life-partner admirably supported me and declared, 

‘You’re most welcome to our house and deliver your precious child. I will be happy to serve you with all facilities’.

The pregnant lady was amazed. But, instead of praising Ammalu’s generosity, she exclaimed, ‘oh, you’re this great man’s wife! Wonder why you chose to sit behind your celebrated husband and not by his side in the bus?’

Ammalu, with a naughty wink and natural smile answered, ‘just to enjoy the fun in the front seat, madam. It is always my practice to occupy a seat behind him, in a bus travel’

‘Ammalu, the Yoga instructor in the Gym, has a simple solution, for my TBE- Total Body Enhancement . He says:

“Wearing a fresh mango leave to cover Brahmasthan, lie on a fresh grass mat and ask your wife to apply fresh KottanchukkAdi thailam on the upper part of your body and fresh Pinda thailam on your lower part. Ask her to massage till you go to sleep. In 41 days, you will have TBE’

‘Sorry, SP, if necessary, I’m prepared to go to Pakisthan but never near your BrahmasthAN or MoolasthAn..Moreover, what you need is a brain dry cleaning as your body is already enhancing on its own,  above the ground level, while walking’

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‘I’m happy Ammalu that you’re an intelligent old woman though an illiterate ‘

‘How exactly opposite to you, am I, in every respect, SP!’

‘So, you are saying that I’m not intelligent, Ammalu? That is nothing but arrogance in its absolute form’

‘Ok. I’m solute. In Chemistry, a solute is a substance dissolved in another substance, known as a solvent. And you ‘re that solvent. Once I’m dissolved in you, we don’t have separate identities. Agreed?. All of us should ultimately dissolve in the Absolute, completely merge with it, and lose our individual identity. That is Sayujyam. Is it clear now, my dear husband?’

Ammalu, our PM Modiji and Chinese PM had a One-on-one talk yesterday. Time we too have a similar exercise to restore better relationship between us. What you say?’

‘It is too late for a one-on-one between us, SP. We had it in our Spring and enjoyed. Now, you continue with your own exercises of writing, reading and singing’

——————-

‘Ammalu, you may not like Paru, hate Ammini, frown at Pattu, but remember, always remember that their husbands like them, nay, worship them’ 

‘Let their husbands; not my husband’ 

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‘A man of my status should not stand before you with a begging bowl for food, Ammalu. You are not giving me charity, but performing the duty of a wife’

‘Today, lunch is delayed by just five minutes; you make such a hulla-gulla! Had I not gone to Ammin’s house, I would have finished cooking much earlier’

‘You went to help Ammini? What happened to that poor girl. You would have stayed there for the whole day’

‘That poor girl said some nonsense about you. So, I went and  gave her a kick at her lower back. If she doesn’t get up by tomorrow, you can go and lift her up’

‘Had I waited for a few more days, I would have certainly found an educated girl for marrying. What you say Ammalu?’

‘I can’t say about your chances. For my educational qualification, certainly I would not have found a better qualified husband than you’.

‘Ammalu, what are you talking? Where is comparison between us? You are an illiterate and I’m a scholar of international repute!’

‘Where is proof for your claim of qualification?’

‘Open my cupboard. A box full of certificates are there. Read, read, read’

‘How? I’m an illiterate. I can’t read. Your behavior from day one, throughout these forty and odd years, never gave me any indication of the credit you claim’ 

‘Ammalu, every man has a history and every woman a geography. You can’t change my genetics’

‘I haven’t learned Art or Science. My subject is Economics. Interested only in your Accounts, Finance and outdoor activities’

‘Outdoor activities too was a subject in your studies?’

‘No, my object of joining you’