Worth worshipping Plum! may I talk to you in confidence?”
“Go ahead, Gentleman Gem”
“A girl whom I loved casually long ago and who loved me deeply long ago, has sent me a message”
“Soory, Gem. The seal of confidentiality goes, ‘fut’. Ammalu has her bio data”
“I don’t believe”
“You don’t believe? She is 5’3″ tall, wheat complexion, four children and eight grand children, black hair big zero, teeth three tilting and three threatening to jump. She stopped being a girl seventy years ago”
“Wah! if you have so much information, how much your daughter won’t have?”
“You are right. My sweet daughter aka your sweet wife, knows no such girl existed and you are bluffing”
———-
Your Majesty and my MIL, see this mail from an old girl friend. You will weep!”
“Give me a minute please. Let me collect a paper napkin. OK. go ahead”
“Had I married you SP,
Dub, dub down my BP.
Had you been my hubby
Gold teeth for my puppy.
Had u not chosen a doll of clay
With zero marks in love play
You would have been on cloud nine
Me, inside a gold mine! ”
What do you say, woman of no woes?”
“Sheer showcasing of stupidity! None other than you would have written such
Silly, shameful, sorrowfully foul smelling four liners . Vanish from my eyes if you don’t want me to vanquish you”
“Wah! What an exposition! What an eloquence! Were you reading my stories, watermelon?”
————————-
Mother in law, tell me one reason, why I should obey my wife?”
“Only one reason ?”
“Yes”
“She is your wife and not husband”
——————————–
“Mother in law! You are the eldest in our family now.
You decide whether, I should stay in our house or your daughter. There is place only for one”
“Will you accept my decision?”
“Yes, MIL, the great!”
“Your problem is that there is place only for one in your house?’
“Yes, MIL, the supreme !”
“I will go and stay there. You both come and stay here, in my house”
“MIL, you are great; you are supreme. You be where you are. We will continue to be where we are”
“Space problem ?”
“It is our problem. We will solve it”
———————————–
“Big plum, your daughter has become greedy these days. Yesterday, she asked for some plastic dabbas for storing things. I collected a doz. from Abdu’s second hand stop. Ten had no lids. She made me to walk a mile in the hot sun, to bring lids. When I got the lids, she wants stuff to fill the dabbas! I can’t manage her. Keep that greedy lady here. She will be a good companion for you”
“What will I do with her, SP ?”
“I will get a baby feeding bottle from Abdu’s shop. Fill milk and give her. She will lie in a corner sipping”
“Why don’t you do that?”
“You don’t know her, MIL. If I buy a baby feeding bottle, she will ask for a nipple for that”
“Buy a bottle with nipple, may be from a regular shop, not from second – hand goods seller”
“Then that greedy will ask for a baby!”
———————
“Ammalu, your mom tells me that it was written in your horoscope that you would marry a Superman”
“She didn’t tell you the whole story. That was what she thought. When things turned topsy – turvy, she consulted the same astrologer who cast my horoscope and he clarified, there was a spelling mistake, which crept inadvertently in the horoscope.
I was to marry a duper man and not a Superman. The damage, by that time, was already done. My marriage was over.”
——————
“Namasthe, nAnamma!”
“NAnamma ? When did I give birth to you father, son in law?”
“Just for the beauty of word- alignment. Going for a Christmas party. Just came to say hello to you. May return tomorrow, may not return tomorrow”
“Oh, now I understood. You are not going to party, but returning from the party. Come with me, Grand son. Sit under that tree near the cowshed and enjoy the breeze from the Neem tree”
“COWSHED? Nanamma, Kyom? You want me to remove the shit and give that old lady in the birthday suit, a cold water bath? ”
“Gopalan will do that. You will simply sit there doing nothing, till the cow dung smell completely covers the foul party smell. I will call then Ammalu and hand you over to her”
“Gracious grand lady, how to get rid of the cow dung smell?”
“That is my daughter’s job. She will treat you in such a way that you will never think of going for the next ten Christmas parties”
—————————–
“When is your birthday, Ammalu?”
“The first husband in the world to ask that question !”
“Pardon my memory lapse, kind lady. . In fact, I don’t even remember my own birthday”
“I can verify that date from the records”
“The first woman in the world to say so to her husband!
Which record are you going to verify, my SSLC book”
“Your school records are not very reliable, says mom. The other day, she casually
found that 35 % average in the third attempt, in SSLC, merited you to fetch a gold medal, which you claim to be yours many times!”
“Ammalu, during those days, minimum pass mark was 15%, second class 20%, first class 30% and 35% was the cut off mark for gold medal”
“No wonder why your English and Maths are so poor!”
“Yes”
—————————-
“Ammalu, I have composed an eulogy on the eldest lady of our clan.
Let us go this evening and dedicate it to her?”
“Your poem is in Tamil or MalayAlam?”
“In English”
“My mom can’t follow English?”
“Don’t fool me. Here is a poem, she composed and presented to me, last evening, along with her Christmas gift
‘Rubbish a boasting hubby
Never his gift of ruby.
Ruby a day, baby for X-mas
Welcome the stuff, not his bluff’
“OMG! Proud of my mom”
—————————-
“NamaskAram, mAmiyar. I have decided to drop all my English connections from the near year. Otherwise, I would have addressed u ‘hei, old plum!”
“Hei, Gem! New year is yet to arrive. Anyway I want to retain my English friendship to read your cranky verses you call poems”
“An assault on my love for that language, mom!”
“So, you too are with me! You can’t stop loving English. I can’t stop loving my cranky son in law”
—————————–
“Another New Year vow, in advance, old plum!”
“Reducing blabs, Gem?”
“No more lying”
“OMG! All these years you were lying! What a fool I was to give my precious baby to a lire! I’m taking her back”
“Sorry, senior! You can’t do that. Once bonded in marriage, bonded for ever!”
“Gone those days. Now, If you cough or yarn or sneeze or snore violently, your honey quits”
“Ok. If the honey cough or yarn or sneeze or snore violently, I quit”
“Never, my Gem! You go to kitchen and complete her chores!”
“That is bondage, plum!”
“Gone that meaning. Now it is called ‘Partnership’
You can’t break a ship and escape. You have to sink deep down, along with it, if it cracks!”
—————————-
“Ammalu, when your mom praised me yesterday, that I’m the best son in law in the world I was really flattered. How is it that, not once did my mom, say the same about you?”
“She knew I won’t get flattered”
“So, you mean that your mom didn’t really mean what she said?”
“SP, I just don’t know between you two, whom to trust, whom not to trust. Each seems to overtake the other in shrewdness. It is better, you deal direct with her and let she deal direct with you”
————————————
“Please buy a pack of coffee powder, while retuning home in the evening, SP”
“Coffee shop is closed today, Ammalu”
“A pack of Red Label tea from Chettiar Shop?”
“Kerala Sarkar has banned Tea, Ammalu”
“At least a can of beer? To pour on my head for the blunder of marrying you. Has the Kerala Sarkar banned that too?”
“Banned first, then relaxed. I can get beer but not to pour on your head. Water for washing off blunders and beer for dashing against dullness”
“Stay back home. No more evening walks”
————————————-
“SP, new place, new people. Be careful”
“Keep a watch on the wallet in my pocket or iPad in my hand?”
“On words coming out of your mouth”
———————————-
“Lord Krishna was lucky. How many women, he had!”
“You can also have, if you could perform at least one miracle Krishna could”
“I can. Show me a Poothana with a poisonous breast; I will suck her life. Show me a multi hooded poisonous snake; I will conquer him. Show me a —-”
“Wait a minute please. I can’t show you any of those supernatural beings. But, I see before me, a girl, taking bath, in the village pond, right across our house. You have to pick up her clothes and place a foot away. I’m not asking you to climb the tree and play flute, as Krishna did. Do this simple job, very simple job and walk away with that girl. Guaranteed”
—————–
“Have you seen a 1000 rupee note, Ammalu?”
“No”
“Five hundred rupees note?”
“No”
Two hundred rupee notes?”
“Yes”
“Ha, ha, Ammalu! There are no genuine two hundred rupee notes”
“I don’t know whether those are genuine or fakes. Yesterday, mom showed me a bundle of such notes and mentioned, you gave to her to pay back a lone from her”
—————————
“Your mom seems to have some misunderstanding about me. Why don’t you tell her that I’m an innocent man”
“I did tell her, but she is not convinced”
“Tell her I’m child- like; I know nothing”
“I told her”
“What did she say?”
“She yelled at me”
“Yelling is OK. All old women do that. You also do that. Tell me what she said”
“She asked me a question. I don’t want to tell you what that question was. Please don’t compel me”
“Please, please Ammalu. Tell me what that question was”
“This was that question: ‘Aren’t you ashamed to tell me, after getting four children from him, that your husband is child like and he doesn’t know anything?”