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Ammalu is always right

”just now, I took a vow not to tell a single lie to you, Ammalu”
“Why to me alone. You should never lie to anyone in the world”
 “But you are my world, Ammalu!”
“fut goes your vow within 40 seconds”
I’m getting a feeling that I’m not getting due respect in this house, Ammalu””Good. You are getting a ‘feeling’, if not ‘respect’. Something is better than nothing”
“Stop that stupid sarcasm. I’m serious”
“Sorry, SP. I too have become serious. That is why I wonder, why you are not getting respect, when I’m getting it, living under the same roof. Shall I suggest something? Consult a Vasthu expert and shift a door or window”
“It is YOU, I have to change. It is YOU, I have to shift”
“Then, change me, shift me. Before doing that, consult a Matrimonial bureau or issue an ad. In the local edition of an All India Paper or an All India edition of a local paper for a fresh wife. But, do it soon, before ur eyesight turns poorer”
“Sorry. I can’t do it. It is your second marriage, not mine. So, you have to advertise. But do it before your eyesight—–”
“Oh, now I understood. It is water, that you want. Not respect. I’ll get it soon – in a big vessel”
“Pour a big anda, brass vessel full of water over my head! Let it cool. And do it fast, before it bursts of heat”
“I will SP. I will. Let me shut the door first so that you don’t escape”
“Why should I escape, my honey, when I get so much respect?”
“So, no complaints. Thank you. Bajji or pokkoda for the evening tea?”
“I shall, if it will please you, Ammalu, change the name board in your name, affix your photo too and shift it to a more prominent place””You can do something better to please me, other than changing the name board”
“Change yourself to a normal husband, just like any other man”
“You can never claim on par status with me, Ammalu.
What is my knowledge, what is my popularity and madam, where do you fit in the picture?””I don’t fit in”
“Then, why did you sit, side by side, on the same bench, when we went for a medical check up, this morning”
“Oh, that was just to hold you, incase you shook and fall, before your knowledge or popularity or physician reached for your rescue”
“Ammalu, I’m not saying this to under -grade your music. But the fact is I heard you better now, when I don’t have my hear- aids”
“The fact, SP, is I didn’t sing now. I was only doing some face exercise. It is time you start your music lessons from the basics”
“Ammalu, a day will come when I will stage a darna, protest sitting, at our front gate or your mom’s gate. What will you do then?”
“We’ll serve you food at the gate and some water too for washing your hand and mouth”
———————————“There is a spark of divinity in my eyes, say everybody. Do you too find any change in my eyes?”
“Yes. Your eyes have turned red. Either an infection or excess dose of Elaneer kozambu eye drops could be the reason, I thought”
“And the idea of divinity never struck you?”
“Divinity over night?”
“Ammalu, I’m a man of principles. I’m prepared to sacrifice anything in this world, my property, my wife, my life, for the the sake of my principles.
What to do you live for, to eat and sleep?””To prepare tasty food and enjoy you eating, like a hungry child ”
“‘Blessed is he, whose wife waits in attendance, with a genuine smile, when he gets up from bed. Gentle and genuine smile, Ammalu, not senile or sterile”” I get it. In fact, this morning, I waited for an hour smiling by your bed . You didn’t wake up. So, reluctantly, went to attend to my chores. After completing work, went for a short nap and hurriedly got up hearing your yelling,’Ammalu, morning coffee!’. It was 12.00, then. Made fresh coffee, discarding the one made in the morning, wore fresh smile on face. It was just fresh then but turned into gentle and genuine, the moment you yelled, ‘Ammalu, serving coffee at lunch time?'”
“Ammalu, if you think that I know nothing and you know everything- that is wrong””No, I don’t think so. I think opposite”
“That too is wrong. You know A to Z about me and I know nothing about you, even after living with you for fifty long years”
“Oh, that is nothing. Nature’s Life -guard for we, swimmers”
“You mean to say, husbands don’t need it?”
“You don’t swim. You enjoy the fun watching from the bank”
“If I’m not happy with what I possess, I prefer to go for a new one, instead of struggling with the existing one””You mean your Laptop?”
“Laptop or Head-top ; anything”
“Shall I look for a replacement for me, or you will do it”
“Don’t talk nonsense, Ammalu. I may get a dozen wives like you or even more charming, but I will never find another mother in law, as loving as your mom”
“OK, from tomorrow onwards, my mom is staying here”
“Ammalu, Unconditional apology for my blab. you are the best wife in the world. You possess me and not the other way. I stay here at your pleasure and not the other way”
“I’m your Laptop or Head-top?”
“My heart; my heartbeat”
“Not the other way?”
“There is only one way, here. That is your way”
“Aren’t you ashamed to run to report to your mom, every time I open and close the bathroom door, Ammalu ?”
“Not every time. Only this morning I did, when you didn’t come out, after more than an hour”
“You were afraid that something would have happened to me?”
“No. I knew that nothing would happen to you . I also knew that you were writing a story or a poetry and your compositions will keep even Lord Yamaraj, at a safe distance.
The coffee I made for you was getting cold and I wanted my mom to send some fresh coffee powder, as my stock was over”
“If a man lives in 85 or 90, he lived in 15 or 55”
“Wah, what a knowledge! What an expression!.
I love you for that single sentence, SP””Thank you, Ammalu. I love you for understanding me, my words”
“SP Sir, what is happening? I hear you singing MAriyamma songs. Seems to be on cloud nine?”
“Yes. The women pensioners have invited me for the Mariamman festival”
“That will be awesome! I too will be coming with you”
“Why you, Ammalu? Are you a pensioner?”
“I’m not. But I need to be there with a vessel filled with turmeric water to pour on your head, if purely in religious ecstasy, overjoyed in meeting your friends, you sing, dance and utter some purely holistic predictions”
“But if my friends get elated and excited in ecstasy?”
“Don’t worry. I will be carrying a stick and bunches of neem leaves to slap on them and draw them back to normalcy”
“But, my angel from an undiplomatic Heaven, why this trouble for you in your old age?”
“No trouble. Just performing my duty. No woman pensioner should, even think of inviting you in future, for any function, any festival, without my company”
Who is that girl in the black and white photo, with thick lips, thin chin and scary look, Ammalu? You or your mom?”
“Ammini. Her mother gave the photo to my mom”
“I thought so. The eyes are glistening, the body shape is ideal and hands are long and falling lazily”
“Postpone the cataract surgery and discard your spectacle. There is a miraculous, instant improvement in your eye sight”
“How was it that no one in your family learned English, Ammalu?
“There was no necessity as Facebook was available in vernaculars at much cheaper rates”
” This is a promise: In my next birth, I’ll pay back all your dues and serve you like an animal, Ammalu”
” I w’ll write off all your dues now itself. Just switch of the stove; the cooker is roaring”.
”Give me two minutes. The new couple in the opposite house are quarreling; Let me see who wins”
” Whoever wins you gain. Let the stove wait till our next birth”


 “Ammalu, go from corner to corner of our village and ask every man, woman and child you come across, whether I’m a good man or not. If every one say,’yes’, then only give me a written certificate””Have the certificate, right away”
“That means you have absolute faith in my honesty. Thank you”
“Yes, it means exactly that. But when I go around the village and enquire about you, in case a man or a woman or a child, tells half heartedly your honesty is to be tested, then I won’t be coming back to the house. So, better have the certificate first”
“After issuing the certificate, why enquire at all, Ammalu?”
“To obey you. Amma had told me, ‘obey him'”
“Now I’m asking you not to go. Why don’t you obey me ?”
“Amma had also said, ‘obeying him too much is not too good for you’.
“Amma said this, Amma said that; then what I’m I here for?”
“To entertain me with such pranks , bluffs, half truths and absolutely nonsensical suggestions asking me to go around the village to find about you”
“So, I’m an entertainer for you?”
“No, husband”
“Thank you, dear”
“Thank you, SP. Give back the certificate. I can use it next time”
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