Shivam Diaries

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  • Ammalu is always right

    “SP, I sent you to our club to pass on an urgent message and not to give a  talk. And what rubbish did you say there ? 

    ‘A quote from your scholar husband,  Ammalu’, they said and sent me this: 

    ‘Take care of your husband. Take care of your ball point pens too.

    If you don’t have a ball point pen, you can easily borrow one. If your husband is not traceable , you can’t borrow. 

    And remember refills available for ball point pen. Only for ballpoint pens’’

    ‘Ammalu, they gave me a standing ovation. They gave me big claps. ‘

    ‘Those claps were slaps on my face’

    ‘How, you were not there!’

    ‘Now, I’m here. I will starve you for the whole day. And I will throw away your books, iPad, iPhone and give you one ball point pen with a dozen refills’

  • Consoling a relative who lost her husband

    My attempt to temporarily cheer a parched soul :

     I entered the prayer hall at Chennai to pay condolences and allowed Jeyajothi Mami to pour out her  sorrow in words. Then I tried to pacify her :

    “Krish mama, who had rich men at his hand’s  reach didn’t damage his kidneys or liver, heart or lungs, by drinking or smoking. More important- he didn’t do injustice to your faith deposited on him. I need not tell you how he could have done it…….

    Didn’t i make you smile?

    No chance. I did not give up.

    I continued, ‘ok. You won’t smile. Look, for fifty long years, you were his loving jokey making that race horse to run mad and instead of kicking you back to Thoothukudi, he preferred to take his last shelter on your lap. Which woman would not love to have a husband like him? Will you smile now, please?’

    She was still gloomy. I didn’t leave her. I continued :

    ‘My dead lady, all your people will go their way in a day or two and are you going to live the remain 2/3 decades of your life, keeping your face swollen like a pooshinikkai, in your language or mathan in mine, in English pumpkin. You are a charming woman, though a bit old. Smile, please!’

    The simple lady of good heart, laughed heartily. 

    While coming out of the meeting hall, I warned her, ‘be prepared to live alone but never allow you to be lonely. With whomever you live, your daughters or grand daughters or brothers or sisters, you will be alone but never succumb to the temptation of your mind to become lonely. It is my experience that gives you this advice ‘

    Her face shrunk . It will never come back to the old blooming stage . Her loss is permanent .  (more…)

  • Which kingdom have I to gain?

     

    Got up and went to sleep again

    Which kingdom have I to gain?

    Life is best with none to question

    Wife is best where none to answer

    Knife is best when nothing to cut

    Strife is best when none on street

    With none to question, none to answer

    How long will last this dancer?

    Buzzzzzz one day should go up me

    But till then,  enjoy honeybee 🐝 !

  • Ammalu is always right

    ‘Ammalu,, don’t you keep a spare key for our Godrej locker? Don’t you keep a spare gas cylinder in the kitchen?’

    ‘Yes, I do. Why, you want to keep a spare woman in the house?’

    ‘Ammalu, how silly you’re! Is it the way to talk to your husband?’

    ‘It is and I know your mind. If you want to have another woman, go ahead. But be sure that your body has the strength to face her hugs as well as her kicks. And remember hug is for the whole body and kicks anywhere on the body’

    ——————————————

    ‘Ammalu, with my unique intelligence, unparalleled wisdom, unalloyed capabilities, I would have gone up far, far high, but someone, (how to name that person?) is pulling me down’

    ‘I’m that ‘someone ‘. I’m pulling you down as It is not safe to go further up, as many satellites are moving around in high altitudes and I’m not sure how your unique intelligence etc, etc, will help you to avoid a celestial crash’

    —————————

  • On my 82 nd Star birthday

    The penance of an young mother 

    From whose hands, the Fate, like a predator,

    Scooped up her first son, 

    Was fulfilled 

    When another son was born.

    He is eighty plus two today

    Vrichikam, Hastham, his Star day.

    He was happy then, 

    As he made his parents happy, 

    He is happy today 

    As he makes his own kappy! 

    He’s neither a Muni nor a Sani

    From God’s garden, he says, he receives honey !

    God alone knows whether he paid any money!

    He is not crazy, not fussy

    Ever  breezy, as he takes life easy. 

    Happy birthday, SP

    You’re really lucky!

  • Ammalu is always right

    ‘Ammalu,  our friends tell me that you too look of my age, though you are younger to me by more than ten years’

    ‘Be specific. Your friends or my friends?’’

    ‘Your friends, of course. My friends in fact appreciate your youthful appearance’

    ‘Thank you. You said it. Close the issue’

    ——————————-

    ‘Ammalu, you may forget your birthday, but not mine.. What special sweet, what special gift you’re presenting me on my birthday ?’

    ‘Anything you ask, SP. Anything you ask for. Today, only today’

    ‘Wha, how sweet your words are!
    Your words are sweet. Your adaram maduram, your vadanam maduram’

    ‘Get up, hmm, get up. Sit before the picture of Lord Krishna and sing that hymn’

    ‘Ammalu, I sang it before you with a purpose ‘

    ‘I know that purpose. For sweets’

    ‘No, not sweets. How to explain to you?’

    ‘Shall I call my mom?’

    ‘Calling mom when I came near you was a sixty year old practice. Why now?

    ‘Madhuram Konjam jAsthiaayittuthu. Your maduram has gone beyond tablet level. Now, what you need is a shot’
    ————————-

  • A question of wives

    ‘Loppudu raavochaa, can I come in, Sastrygaru?’

    ‘You’re already 10 yards inside my house. And I’m not a Sastry or Sanyasi, madam’

    ‘From the day I came as a tenant in your opposite house, I wanted to ask you one question ‘

    ‘You came there just a few hours ago. Anyway what is that you wanted ask me? Want broomstick or drinking water? ‘

    ‘No Sir, you are a witty person’

    ‘No, I’m a dirty person to the neighbors who invade my house early morning. Your question please, old lady’

    ‘You’re young?’

    ‘You’re not old? Your question? ‘

    ‘I wanted to ask you why I don’t see a woman in your house ‘

    ‘There are three, all my wives. Sleeping in the top bedrooms.
    Anything else you wanted to know?’

    ‘You seems to be angry . You’re perhaps hungry too. Shall I get you some food from my house?’

    ‘Yes, please get me chakkara pongal and chakkaravattu upperi . That is what I take for breakfast’

    ‘I haven’t heard those names even’

    ‘Then don’t bother me. I am waiting for an important guest’

    ‘May I know who he is? ‘

    ‘Not your concern. The visitor is a ‘she’

    ‘Then, I won’t interfere. I’m out of your way. Before I take leave, can I see your kitchen, please?’

    ‘Why not my bedroom? Why are you troubling me, madam?
    On the very first day of our meeting, you have earned my dislike’

    ‘My intention is to say hello to your wife and not to trouble you, Sir’

    ‘Which wife? I have three ‘

    ‘No, Sastry garu. If you have three wives, you would have been talking to me nicely, softly, sweetly. Your eyes will be glittering seeing a new woman in the neighborhood and she, on her own will, approaching you to say, ‘hello’. You have only one woman and that is why you find life wanting in charm

    Can I enter your kitchen and say ‘hello’ to your wife now?’

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  • A Pre-dawn coffee meet

    ‘Older you get sharper won’t be your intelligence, but vulgar should not be your tongue ‘, reprimanded my neighbor when I reminded her politely that her body is getting expanded but not her mind. The reason for that was, she knocked my door at dawn, when I was in sound sleep and woke me up- purpose- for borrowing a match box! I searched and found one in my pooja room shelf, which I gave her. It seems there was only one stick in the match box and that too was damp. she therefore came again, Pressed the bell and asked for another match box.

    ‘I don’t have another match box, sorry madam’, I was trying to shut the door at her face when she stopped me.

    ‘What house keeping is this! You have just one match and that too with a damp stick!’

    ‘You didn’t have even that and that was why you knocked at my door in the wee hours. With that one stick, I would have lit one thousand oil lamps around a temple ‘

    ‘With a damp stick how will you light a thousand lamps? Anyway that reminds me an old popular Malyalam cine song:

    ‘നാഴിയൂരിപ്പാലുകൊണ്ടു നാടാകെ കല്യാണം
    നാലഞ്ചു തൂമ്പകൊണ്ടു മാനത്തൊരു പൊന്നോണം ‘

    You watch movies?’

    ‘ I don’t, but I have heard that song and like it’

    ‘Shall I sing another song? I’m in a mood to sing’

    Hearing the song, Ammalu came to the hall
    ‘What is happening here ? Won’t you people allow me to sleep peacefully ‘

    ‘Ammalu, our new friend woke me up for a match box to light her stove. She is habituated to have a hot coffee before the sunrise )

    ‘She doesn’t have a gas lighter? Or is she using a kerosene stove?’, enquired the lady of the house.

    ‘Yes, Ammalu, I’m using my kerosene stove. I gave my gas stove to my daughter in law, when she quarreled with me and went away, last night’

    ‘You gave her willingly or she took forcefully from you?’

    ‘Shall i sing another cine song?’, asked the lady from the opposite house.

    Ammalu’s eyes turned moist. She encouraged , ‘yes, please go ahead. I shall make coffee for us all’

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  • A walk on the Harithavanam Park

    ‘Excuse me, madam. Are you new to this place?’

    ‘Are you a newly appointed watchman for this park?’

    ‘Me, a watchman!’

    ‘If not why do you bother who comes in and goes out? This is a public park. Physically you look Ok’

    ‘Mentally too, madam. I was puzzled seeing you here for the first time’

    ‘Puzzled ? Am I the only woman you have seen?’

    ‘Here yes, outside no.’

    ‘Then, why to get puzzled?’

    ‘Don’t know, it happens when I see some extraordinarily attractive ladies ‘

    ‘Are you mentally ok?’

    ‘I’m . Physically too’

    ‘Physically too! Hope won’t be proposing to marry me?’

    ‘Why not madam? ‘StreenAmcha chitham purushasya bhAghyam ‘

    ‘Oh, my God! You don’t know who I’m . You don’t know who my husband is. Your loss is going to be heavy’

    ‘I’m prepared to lose my life for a great cause’

    ‘You’re prepared to lose Ammalu too?’

    ‘Ammalu! You know her?’

    ‘I don’t know her. I just mentioned a woman’s name. Why’re you shivering?’

    ‘Who’ll not shiver in this colony after hearing her name?’

    ‘I’m not shivering’

    ‘You’re Ammalu, with a weight gain of 10 kg. So, you don’t shiver;
    I shiver seeing you’

    ‘Where is the exit gate for the park?’

    ‘You’re coming here for the first time?’

    ‘Yes, I’m’

    ‘Thank you, that was the information, I was looking for. Come with me, please. I will take you to the gate’

    ‘No, thank you. I will find the way’

    ‘I’m the watchman here’

    ‘You’re not. You’re a specimen to be preserved in a museum, not in a park’

    ‘I’m not, madam. I’m your husband’s K P’s close friend and my name is SP’

    ‘But, my hubby told me that KP is a decent man!’

    ‘I’m a decent man. My acting before you was as suggested by your husband’

    ‘But, pray why?’

    ‘So that you will not hereafter step into this garden.’

    ‘But pray why?’

    ‘We the oldies want to be left alone for a short period here free from our women’

    ‘He could have told me. Why all this drama?’

    ‘No one in our group, except me, has courage to tell that to their partners‘

    ‘But, you were the one shivering when I mentioned the name of your wife!

    ‘Oh, that was due to my training, madam. Enjoy the evening hour alone at home.Even you need an hour for yourself’

    ‘I like you. You’re a decent man. My husband was correct’

  • An obese old lady in the opposite house

    I can make anything to happen!

    ‘Which idiot is calling me at midnight?’, I yelled and opened the front door, eyes half closed and half opened. The huge figure wrapped in a big sari, the lady in the opposite house was there and I rubbed my eyes to make sure that it was not a dream. Damsels from heaven used to appear in my dreams earlier but of late, only negative feminine characters of Ramayana are visiting me in sleep. But this is not a dream, it is real. I’m awake!

    ‘Meera, eami sangathi ? You, in this midnight? What is the matter?’, I muttered, giving respect to her gender and age.

    ‘Pada, take me to the Saibaba maternity home’, she ordered in her hoarse voice.

    ‘Santhosha vartha meeru naakku cheppalaeaethae’. Oh, congrats! You didn’t give me the happy news earlier ‘

    I looked at her middle part but was difficult to gauge whether she was pregnant or not as the entire front portion looked like a barrel, covered with a color cloth.

    ‘Not me, my daughter in law Ramalakshmi. Jeldi randi. come fast’.

    I pleaded my helplessness . ‘ I’m not a doctor, not even a midwife, in what way I am going to be useful to your DIL?
    I have never delivered a baby ’

    ‘You can make it happen. You have an obligation, nay responsibility, my daughter says’

    ‘Obligation, responsibility, my God, what am I hearing! I was shocked. ‘upon God, I’m telling you, I have no obligation, no responsibility. I’m totally innocent, harmless, came here just a couple of months ago. I was away for one year’

    ‘Don’t tell me stories. ‘I want SP, I want now’, says my daughter’

    ‘But, for her I was uncle, while in good moods or thatha while in not-that – good mood. She never used to call me SP’

    ‘SP!’

    ‘Now you’re calling me SP? ‘

    ‘When your are SP for her, you’re SP for me too. Come on. She is waiting for you, carrying a baby ready to come out, which will happen, the moment you land there. You have to make that happen’.

    ‘I have to make that happen!’

    What is she talking about after waking me up from my deep sleep, midnight !

    I told her the truth. ‘Madam, I have no car. I never had a car. I don’t even have a two wheeler. You know, I can’t walk to the Nursing home. You carry on now. I will come early morning to see the baby and give my blessings’

    She didn’t say a word. She pulled me by her big hand and took me to the street ahead where a few rickshas were parked. ‘Drive on’, she ordered me, after occupying one.

    ‘But, how? I never drove an auto ricksha. Bicycle rickshas I used to drive , when I was jobless. Anyway sit in the center. The ricksha is tilting to a side. She moved to the center and the moment her full weight jammed the driver who was sleeping there, he yelled, ‘Devuda, Devuda, God, I’m getting crushed, I’m dying’.

    My neighbor ordered the driver: ‘get up and drive the ricksha to Saibaba Nursing Home, fast. Glad that you are inside your ricksha’

    Her daughter, mother of three girls, all prepared to deliver her fourth baby, may be a boy, may be a girl, made me to sit on a chair near her bed and said, ‘uncle, I know your relationship with my mother’.

    ‘My relationship with your mother ! I know her as a neighbor, that is all. Nothing more, nothing less, that too only for the past two months. Last year when I left for USA, my opposite house was vacant and when I came back, it was richly occupied by your mom’

    ‘Yes, I know. And on the very first day you landed, she saw you standing near your side gate and without any formalities, enquired where your wife was. You replied you’re unmarried and raising both your hands up said, ‘I’m looking for a big wife.’ She become very close to you from that time’.

    ‘Close to me in what sense?’, my voice had started shivering.

    ‘She is your FB friend and likes any rubbish you write.

    It was great relief. If closeness is restricted to FB , nothing to worry. I’m safe.

    ‘Uncle, I’m in a critical position,’ she continued. ‘ It is going to be Caesarian for me. My husband wants my present baby to be a boy and he has gone to Tirupathy seeking Lord Venkateswara’s help. The doctor has posted my case for tomorrow morning and I need 40k before 8am.. I have my husband’s two ATM cards but don’t know the passwords. . I know two passwords but the relevant cards are not with me. The moment my husband is back, your money will be returned ‘

    ‘If the Baby happens to be a girl again and your husband in utter dejection goes back to Tirupathy, what will you do?’ asked the old lady. Wrong question in wrong time, which deserved no reply. But, the daughter had a reply, which shook me to my roots.

    ‘Shut up mom. I’m sure my next baby will be a male and I know that SP will make it happen ‘.

    While I was standing stunned without knowing what to say, the daughter asked, ‘SP, will you please go home and get your ATM card? There is a center right across the road’.

    ‘SP will make it happen’, assured the mother and asked the riksha wallah to take me home and bring me back safely

    ‘And come again tomorrow morning with sweets to bless the baby, your baby!’, the mother -to-be-soon again ordered, while I was coming out.

    ‘My baby?’, I turned back and asked, anger unavoidably reddening my query.

    ‘We too are your babies, SP’, hailed happily both the mother and the daughter.

    ‘You too, madam?’, I turned my sharp eyes towards the obese old lady in the opposite house.

    ‘Me too’, she declared clearly, loudly and vehemently .

    My doubts are cleared. I can make anything to happen.