To
Iyer123 yahoogroups
Friends,
Soon after introducing my friend, benevolent Dr. Chalpathi Rao, I feel sad to write uncharitably about the men of his profession.
A co-member of this group, a respected elderly woman, never seen or known to me, recently shared her grief on the loss of her husband which she believes was avoidable had the hospital treated the patient, instead of ‘cheating’ . Ramu, my nephew, a super specialist in medicine, commented when I showed him madam’s mail: ” Luck decides a patient’s recovery in such hospitals ” How true but how sad! The hospitals are for pulling patients out of the jaws of death and not to push them into it.
I am releasing her letter, with her permission along with my response to it.
As I do not wish to burden you with too many problems, I have deleted my personal story though I disclosed to her, hoping that it might bring some solace to that unknown unfortunate lady. The kind soul responded immediately expressing relief and raising my status to that of a ‘non blood -related brother’. “I don’t know how I thought of you and decided to mail you.Though accidental it was meaningful and may be His wish that someone in your form to console.Thanks again, for I feel a bit relieved”.
An affectionate hug, a kind back-pat or even a benign look or smile can relieve mental pain to some extent.
Love and regards,
sperinkulam
Vancouver
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Respected Madam,
Thanks for sharing your mental agony with a stranger, whom you have never seen and about whom you know nothing.
I too have passed through similar trauma when—-
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Sorry, I have been talking too much about me. It was intentional yes, to assure you that you can trust my words as a partner in distress.
Now let me attempt to answer your query:
The past cannot be undone, however we might long for. That, in fact is one of the blessings showered on us, which ensures the continuity of the world.
Some corporate hospitals have become death-traps and the black monsters in white aprons, who squeeze our pocket as well as the life of our kin, instead of saving them, are having a free time and unless they are sued in a court of law as their counter parts are subjected to in the western countries, their atrocities will not stop. The kin of the deceased, in their depressed mental state concentrate on the rituals initially and immediately after that, on the ways and means of settling the problems of the family left behind by him. We do not have a social organization to fight for the ‘cheated’. I am borrowing that word from your letter.
Leave away the legal part, which is cumbersome and time-taking. The immediate requirement is to find a way to heal your wound. For atheists, probably, the issue is comparatively simple. There is no third agency, other than the deceased’s men on one side and the doctors’ group on the other. For people like me and you, there is a third agency called God, Fate or whatever we designate and for good or bad we seek the intervention of that power-source and feel that we are left in lurch when things go wrong.
“Why should I believe in God who did not offer a helping hand when I needed it most ?” was my query, when I underwent the agony, then. That exactly is your question too now. It is natural for any believer to raise that question. Our ancestors firmly believed that the seeds for what we reap in this birth were already sown in our previous births and the Divine hands propels our life boat. That belief was summer showers for those parched souls. In a way, they were lucky. They had an instant cooling agent.
For thirty years I did Siva panchayathana pooja and as that did not come to my rescue when I wanted the divine intervention most, I almost lost faith in the God . The pity is my children, who were taught our values and raised in a traditional surroundings also lost belief in Him. Even today, my two sons do not wear poonal or visit temples. The eldest one does perhaps to satisfy me or his wife. Notwithstanding their overt disbelief in the Supreme, they are epitome of goodness in all respects, much finer than their father. They woke up from their cradles hearing the ringing of my pooja bell and therefore some amount of the spiritual sediments is bound to stay in the inner layers of their subconscious mind. I am sure, that will manifest at an appropriate time . In me, due to my intense exposure to the Divine influence , the calamitous typhoon did not uproot the tree of faith in God though it did some temporary damage by shaking the branches violently .
As the rituals did not come to my help in time, initially I neglected them but in due course, started performing sandhyavandanam, temple visit etc albeit with lesser seriousness. To make up the loss, I concentrated on Upanishads where I found solace. That unique acquaintance taught me to believe in God just for inner peace and just for that alone. I have now learned that belief in God without expecting anything removes the turbidity in the mind and makes our ‘manasa saras’ absolutely clean, tranquil and transparent. In a clean surroundings good thoughts develop, fresh air blows and life becomes a flower garden.
I am also now convinced that it is impossible for me to live without Him. I have, however, not reached that mental maturity to trust that He is a part of me and therefore, now and then, unnecessarily, plead that He should never discard me and go away .
It will do good for you if you take refuge under the old saying that ‘whatever has to happen will happen’.It may look absurd for an enlightened person like you but such a strong support prevents our sagging moral from complete collapse.
Also, we lose faith in God only because we expect something from Him. If you can tune your mind to trust him, just trust Him expecting nothing in reward, there will be a change in your way of thinking and the way your life moves.
It is easy to preach so but extremely difficult to practice.If you develop the belief that God is not there to give you what you ask for but to give what you deserve, disappointment can be avoided. Much better if you can believe that God is not there to give you anything at all. He is just a sakshi, witness.
Vishnu sahasranamam helped me a lot to regain steadiness and restore my faith in myself. You may loose faith in anything including God, but if you loose faith in yourself , that is the end of the journey. I have in a recent article mentioned that each word in that composition is a ‘madu chaskam’ and my scholar friend VVR has endorsed my view in his erudite article, which you would have read.The advantage is your knowledge in Sanskrit. You can spend hours together enjoying the meaning of each word and how they are linked. I am now able to forget all my worries and play like a child with other children and sing like other players of nature, the sky, the clouds, the moon and stars. Upanishads and Vishusahasrnamam act as stimulants.
I am not particular about my sandhya, pooja or even about the Sahasranamam. But most of the time, while moving in a car or jet, while sitting in front of food or even while lying on the bed awaiting sleep, knowingly and often unknowingly, the memory of the Lord appears in one form or the other, like a lotus leaf or a log of wood or a swan floating on clear waters. That is the advantage of our stotrams if you know the meanings. Just the first word ‘Viswam’ alone can keep your mind engaged for the whole day . So is the first word of ‘Sree and then the second matha’ in the Lalitha sahasrnamam. Soundarya lahari and Sivandalahari are life-long joy-givers. Some say our mantrams and slokams will give the expected benefits when recited even without knowing their meaning. May be. What about the joy they shower ? You are lucky, you know their meaning.
Expect nothing more from life, madam. You have received the best of what you are entitled for.Think, sitting in a corner, away from your people . Compared to many others known to you, are you not luckier despite the recent disaster that struck your life? Also just assume that your life -partner leaving the stage, before you, was predetermined. The chain had to be broken and one of you had to leave the stage before the other does. The friend who advised you to admit him in that particular hospital and the doctors who were instrumental for pushing him into the jaws of death, no doubt were to be blamed but nothing could be done about that now. So consider them as the agents sent by Mrithyu to remove your partner from the stage. As I already mentioned, the past is a post ‘sent’ . Try to reduce its impact on the present so that the future doesn’t suffer a stroke.
As a child and later as an youngster, I disliked my elders blaming Fate for any disaster. I labelled them as superstitious. Even now I feel that 90 percent of our losses are due to our ignorance, inefficiency or inability to act in time and in the correct way or due to our ego or the compulsions of our environment or any such matters. But in spite of acting in the best way, when things go wrong, what do I do ? whom do I blame ? my so called education stand in the way of throwing the blame on Fate. But some one has to own the responsibility, right? Who is that someone ? I pity myself. My less educated ancestors were lucky to have had ‘blind’ faith in the Fate. I envy them.
When the mind is in the midst of such a sorrowful state of amavasaya darkness, there raises from the distant horizon a powerful sun with all the glory of a Heavenly bliss, Geethacharya’s ‘ Karmanyeavadhikarasthe, Ma bhaleshu kathaachana ‘- Do your job and don’t worry about the result’. My shrunken mind jumps up asks, “have you done your duty ? ” I reply, yes, yes, yes ”
“Then why do you look up ? Go and sleep “, the mind says. Simple, so simple
In fact life is handed over to us in the most simple form, no clothes on, no wants except for a mouthful of mother’s milk. We make it complicated wrapping it with more and more clothing and packing inside with more and more wants and desires.
There are many secret holes in the Universe to explore which science is struggling. In no way less are the hidden secrets of our own life.It takes you nowhere if you go too deep into the secrets of life with our limited knowledge. Our ancestors have suggested some herbs and tools to treat our jaundice. Sahsranammam is one among them. There are many others. Choose from the invaluable treasure trove any jewel you like. They are all luminous, they will show you the path.
Thank you for giving me an opportunity to share with you some of my thoughts purely personal. They are not intended to teach you something new or even for counseling you. You have to search for your own path.
From my own experience I can however advice you to concentrate on your children, grand children and when time permits think of the Supreme Reality, in whatever form you want, Sai including.
Live the remaining part of your life. The God has a purpose. Otherwise, He would have removed you from the stage either along with your husband or before or after his exit.
May the Easanan, who is the praanada and also the praana revive you. I am sure He will . He did it for me. Live on the memory of the good days and nights you spent with your husband, rather not on those which are lost. As I told you, past is a post ‘sent’
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change things I can and the wisdom to know the difference
Afftly,
Siva
from Vancouver
P.S There may be some more parched souls like ours in our group and I would like to share this note without mentioning your name, if you have no objection.
Category: A04 — THOUGHTS ON SOCIAL AND POLITICAL ISSUES
Suttipodal- to ward off 'drishti' or evil eye
Dear young friends,
This is for you:
A co-member of the ‘pattars’ group, after saying many kind words purely out of his affection for me, added a post script to his mail, which reads as below :
“After reading this, you should ask someone in your family to ‘suttipodu you”
Do you know what this ‘suttipodu’ is ? it is a home-remedy to ward off the evil eye, cast on you, or your belongings, action, success etc. Even a good sari or mookkuthi , long hair, proud walk, good singing , scoring good marks in the exam- anything can be the cause of an evil eye or drishti.
”Avalodu kannu karinkannakkum; karinkallai polikkum- her eyes are so bad that they can break a granite stone” patties, old women in the villages used to say.
There is a ‘pariharam’, remedy in our system, for every problem, So, your mother or grand mother or any elderly woman in the family, picks up a handful of salt pebbles adds one or two dry chillies and rotate that stuff in her hand around your hair or face and sometime around your whole body, thrice, making circles in the air and throws that uppu-mulakai collection into the burning fire in the fire-wood stove in the kitchen. It will make a put=put sound and with that is gone the condemned ‘kandrishti’. The intensity of the sound is an indicator for the density of the ‘drishty’ cast on you and absorbed by the salt-dry chilly pack. In the olden days, fire-wood stove or ‘aduppu’ was the main heat provider for cooking and later, when that vanished from the kitchen, only salt was used as a dristhi repellent and thrown into the well water, and in the absence of a well, inside a bucket- full of water.
My mother and even my father, who was otherwise not very orthodox in outlook believed in drishti and ‘sakunam’. ‘konthaikku’ uppuchithippodidi’, he used to order mom, whenever he hears from my friends about my achievements in the school or college. ‘On putrasikhamanikku uppuchithi podu’ he used to say sarcastically, grinding his teeth in anger, when I fail in an exam or someone brings complaints about me-such occasions were not rare !.
The manjal chatham balls which women throw away after removing the drishti of the bride and bride groom when they sit together for the oonjal, swing is a practice followed in our weddings . Arathi with
turmeric water, with which we welcome home the newly married couple and after every auspicious function at home is also some sort of suttippodal.
To be frank with you I don’t believe in sakunam or kandristi. But my modern daughter in law does. That was how I happened to do that myself, as instructed by her, to receive my two nephews and Meghana’s brother when they entered our Baltimore home, for the first time, along with their spouses, recently. And I forced the young couples to part with some coins which they dropped in the color-water vessel, as per the custom. That amount I have kept safely for giving ‘vishukaineettam’ to the kids next year.
‘Why you don’t believe in these ?” I hear you asking. Like wind, I always keep moving while in India and I can’t wait for an auspicious object to come opposite to me every time I get out of the house. And in US, none comes opposite, no humans or animals.
And about the drishti, there is noting in me to attract an evil eye, not even an ordinary eye —ONLY YOU SHOULD BE CAREFUL IF I COME ACROSS YOU.
This is for you:
A co-member of the ‘pattars’ group, after saying many kind words purely out of his affection for me, added a post script to his mail, which reads as below :
“After reading this, you should ask someone in your family to ‘suttipodu you”
Do you know what this ‘suttipodu’ is ? it is a home-remedy to ward off the evil eye, cast on you, or your belongings, action, success etc. Even a good sari or mookkuthi , long hair, proud walk, good singing , scoring good marks in the exam- anything can be the cause of an evil eye or drishti.
”Avalodu kannu karinkannakkum; karinkallai polikkum- her eyes are so bad that they can break a granite stone” patties, old women in the villages used to say.
There is a ‘pariharam’, remedy in our system, for every problem, So, your mother or grand mother or any elderly woman in the family, picks up a handful of salt pebbles adds one or two dry chillies and rotate that stuff in her hand around your hair or face and sometime around your whole body, thrice, making circles in the air and throws that uppu-mulakai collection into the burning fire in the fire-wood stove in the kitchen. It will make a put=put sound and with that is gone the condemned ‘kandrishti’. The intensity of the sound is an indicator for the density of the ‘drishty’ cast on you and absorbed by the salt-dry chilly pack. In the olden days, fire-wood stove or ‘aduppu’ was the main heat provider for cooking and later, when that vanished from the kitchen, only salt was used as a dristhi repellent and thrown into the well water, and in the absence of a well, inside a bucket- full of water.
My mother and even my father, who was otherwise not very orthodox in outlook believed in drishti and ‘sakunam’. ‘konthaikku’ uppuchithippodidi’, he used to order mom, whenever he hears from my friends about my achievements in the school or college. ‘On putrasikhamanikku uppuchithi podu’ he used to say sarcastically, grinding his teeth in anger, when I fail in an exam or someone brings complaints about me-such occasions were not rare !.
The manjal chatham balls which women throw away after removing the drishti of the bride and bride groom when they sit together for the oonjal, swing is a practice followed in our weddings . Arathi with
turmeric water, with which we welcome home the newly married couple and after every auspicious function at home is also some sort of suttippodal.
To be frank with you I don’t believe in sakunam or kandristi. But my modern daughter in law does. That was how I happened to do that myself, as instructed by her, to receive my two nephews and Meghana’s brother when they entered our Baltimore home, for the first time, along with their spouses, recently. And I forced the young couples to part with some coins which they dropped in the color-water vessel, as per the custom. That amount I have kept safely for giving ‘vishukaineettam’ to the kids next year.
‘Why you don’t believe in these ?” I hear you asking. Like wind, I always keep moving while in India and I can’t wait for an auspicious object to come opposite to me every time I get out of the house. And in US, none comes opposite, no humans or animals.
And about the drishti, there is noting in me to attract an evil eye, not even an ordinary eye —ONLY YOU SHOULD BE CAREFUL IF I COME ACROSS YOU.
Baltimore,
Dec 2, 2011
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Dear Sir
As always your postings/stories/anecdotes are gripping and one cannot just read them. Some emotion or other always wells up afterwards. It is very clear that you have earned a lot of punyam (koti punyam, in our lingo) by the actions of yourself, your parents, thathas kollu/ellu thathas. How else will you have children, nephews and nieces doting on you. Believe me you are a very rich man, rich beyond everyone’s imagination with a vast trove of love and care. You would like to enjoy that wealth and pray every now and then to Siva & Vishnu there to keep you with Aayurarogyasowkhyam. My pranams to you on the occasion of your birthday. Please bless us.
Ramani
P.S. After reading this you should ask someone in your family to suttipodu you.
On dogs, cats and Gita
What a pity! We have come to such a level to refer our holy scriptures to decide whether we can have a pet or not ! And discuss on that issue for days together ! And as if we refer to the holy Books on every mundane matter !
How sad if Baghavan Sree Krishna had to spend so much precious time and energy in the midst of a great war to create a master- piece just to tell us whether pets are allowed in our households or not . And how sad it is if Baghavan Vyasaa and Mahaganapathy had to compose a huge volume of eighteen chapters of a precious life -guide, only to show us whether cats and dogs can be allowed to sleep in our beds or not!
If you want the company of cats, dogs or squirrels or any other animals and if you like them, have them, although they dirty your house, they make you restless sometime when they fall ill and it is a task to keep them hygienic to prevent their polluting your home, food, kids and beds. But if you have facilities to maintain them, go ahead happily. Why bother the scriptures on this trivial issue ? It is your need, it is your home and it is your potentiality to be taken into account and not what Vedam said or Puranams said. Those valuable volumes are not animal guides !
A well- wisher asked me, ‘most of the time you live alone in a big house . Why don’t you have a dog ?’
I replied :
1. I may be alone but I am never lonely. I have my books, my music, my computer, sky,clouds, trees, birds, poetry, dreams and above all my Krishna’s flute in the vrindavanam of my heart, to keep me busy through the day and the divine angle, sleep, to embrace and engage me through night.
2. I have people near and far to love me and to be loved by me.
3.. I do not want to create a new relationship, develop attachment for that creature, cat, cow or dog and mourn when it falls sick or dies, especially at an age when I should try to withdraw my mind within, as a tortoise withdraws its head towards its inner body..
4. While going for a walk in the morning or evening I would like to be free, look at the sun rise or sunset or the trees, flowers, birds or animals or sometime even at lovely women faces or kids playing or women fighting. A dog pulling me towards it or me pulling it towards me or I keeping a watch when it raises its hind leg and where it raises etc are totally unwanted botheration.
and
5. If a burgler enters my house at night, he has to go disappointed as I have nothing which attracts him, such as gold, silver or cash . My book Almira, dining table, wardrobe and other furniture are so heavy that four hefty men are required to carry each of them.
Now, some stories to keep you in good mood:
Our Payiakka (given name Baagheearathi, what a beautiful name ) my wife’s patti did not leave her Vaikom puthan madam for nearly 20 years because she had a cow to look after and she was so much attached to the animal that she didn’t trust the neighbors to take care of it, in her absence.
Another relative had a colony of 3-4 generation of cats, all roaming about in their house, dirtying every corner. Their attachment to the cats was so deep that when they were in search of daughter in law it was not gotram or nakshtram that came for consideration first, but it was cats. Yes, you will not believe it . They were looking not for horoscope matching but for cat-matching. The girl should like cats ! And they did find a family who were equally fond of cats though their colony was less populated, only 16 .
Another relative, a widower and retiree, who was living alone, had a dog .
‘Intha vayassukalathilae enthukku ithai kettikkindu azhareer? Why this animal in your old age ?’ I asked him
‘kettikkindu azharathukku than. Nan millalae ponal ivan ennaikettikkindu azhuvan; illai ivan ponal nan kettikkindu azhuvaen. This dog will morn me if I predecease him and vice verse ”
Unfortunately that old relative of mine, unlike me, had none to call him or call on him from near or far..Once upon a time, his house, like mine, resembled a kalyanamantapam, wedding hall !
Now refer to Bagavath Gita, if you have finished reading to the last line. That exactly is what that sacred book is meant for.
Baltimore,
Nov. 29 2011
Comments:
K.V. GopalakrishnaDear Siva, Namaskarams. What a beautiful article ! I would like to read millions of such articles from you! My earlier wish gets reinforced that you should continue in your inimitable style for centuries to come! Now I pray for myself that I should live long for that! Love KVG -- न कर्मणा न प्रजया धनेन त्यागेनैके अमृतत्वमानशु:| परेण नाकं निहितं गुहायां विभ्राजते यद्यतयो विशन्ति|| कृष्णेति मंगलम् नाम यस्य वाचि प्रवर्तते | भस्मीभवन्ति तस्याशु महापातककोटयः || കൃഷ്ന്നെതി മംഗളം നാമ യസ്യ വാചി പ്രവര്ത്തതേ ഭാസ്മീഭവന്തി തസ്യാശു മഹാപാതകകൊടയ: ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- DEAR SIR, PRANAMS TO YOU YOUR ARTICLE IS FANTASTIC AND REALLY WONDERFUL AND HAD TRIGGERED MY INNER BEING TO WHAT MEANINGFULNESS YOUR ARTICLE HAD CARRIED
WHAT YOU HAVE MENTIONED ARE ABSOLUTE FACTS. IF A PERSON HAS TIME AND CONVENIENCE AND PEOPLE TO CARE OF THESE PETS IT MAY BE WORTH HAVING. OTHERWISE NO.
WHEN COMPANY OF BOOKS, SPIRITUAL MATTERS , DAILY WALKS AND ENJOYING THE SUNRISE AND SUNSET HAD OCCUPIED YOUR TIME WHY UNENNECESSARILY BOTHER. AS RIGHTLY TOLD BY YOU THERE IS NO NEED TO REFER THE SCRIPTURES FOR TAKING CRE OF PETS
REGARDS
B.HARIHARAN
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Deerga sumangali bhava
Dear friends,
Thanks for your response to my query, ‘why our elders didn’t coin an expression of blessings for the husbands too, on par with ‘Deergha sumangali bhava ‘?
I assure that I am aware what ‘ deerga sumangali bhava’ means. I know the Satyavan-Savitri story too where the Lord of death blessed Savitri with the above immortal blessing. I had enacted that story on the school stage and the role allotted to me was nothing less than that of the Yamadarma raja!
Now, let me elaborate my question, the essence of which some of you missed, probably due to my poor expression.:
“When I come alone and fall at your feet, you bless me, ‘deerghayushman bhava ‘ Fine. But, where is the blessing for my wife ? You wish deerghayus only for me and not for my wife ? On the other hand, when she falls on your feet, your blessing covers my longevity too ! Ithu nyayama ? Is this fair ?
Why don’t you bless me too ‘ live long with your wife’ just as you wish her ‘live long with your husband’ ?”
Since you have not answered, let me tell you what it could be.
Man is physically stronger than woman but mentally woman is stronger and when they form into a pairing, the required balancing is achieved which helps the smooth going of a family life. Like a silent shock- absorber, the wife absorbs the ups and downs of the journey, counsels his partner when he faces problem and corrects him when he goes astray. She is a pillar for him to ensure his standing and a walking stick when he stumbles. This was how it was in my case and it is like that in most of the matrimony bonds.
So when one of the pairs is separated, the suffering of the other is immeasurable; the loss is irreparable.
In the old society, however, the condition of a widow was much worse than a widower. She was treated as a sinner, the moment the husband breathed his last. Her loss was more marked than her husband’s if she had preceded him in death. She was denied remarriage as it would adversely affect her late husband’s sojourn in the heaven! She had to suffer humiliation from her own family as, even seeing her face when others get up in the morning was considered a bad omen . She had to watch the wedding of her own son or daughter hiding behind a door as her very presence was feared to destroy the new life-partner- ship. No kumkum mark, no ornaments, no good saris, no smile, no loud words, no laughter, no flowers on hair and no hair on their head, even !! She had to lead an extremely austere life without the respect that goes with an ascetic .The society almost eschewed her for all practical purposes. That life was not worth living and that was why in some part of the countries the widows jumped into the pyre of their husbands.
Thunjathu Aacharyan has described that in no way a widow is better than a veena without strings or a chariot without wheels.
വിതന്ത്രിയാം വീണ, വിച ക്രമാം തേരും,
വിധവയും മൂന്നും സമം എന്ന് കേള്പ്പു
That being the pitiable condition of the woman who looses her husband in the olden days, could it be that our forebears wanted to arm her with an additional blessing through ‘deergha sumangali bhava’? Every time she seeks the blessings of her elders alone or along with her husband, she receives the blessings for the longevity of her husband, which she too prays for and which ensures her mangalyam, her living with due respect for a married woman.
Please don’t ask me to furnish an attested copy of the page of vedam or sastram, where it is said so. I won’t be. What I said is purely my own thinking. I am open to hear from the learned, if there is any other reason.
Love and regards,
sperinkulam
Oct 27, 2011
The mighty mashes the meek.
How happy I am to be again in Baltimore in the friendly Fall !
The sun is seen on and off, but never torches ; cold hugs and kisses now and then tenderly but never pricks; some mornings are foggy but I can see the movement of cars across the lawn . It rains some time but never pours to flood the roads. Light and shade, warm and cool – a replica of mind. Or of life ?
The Nature changes the raaga, the tune, effortlessly without any disturbance to the melody of music .The cherry and maple trees slowly change their soft green apparel to red, brown gold and oranges, while the oaks and pines hesitate to accept the Fall, though they know that sooner or later they too will have to bow their head to the law of nature. ” let us spend singing and dancing till the last bell rings” seem to be their attitude. Many shiver at the sight of danger, swoon when they hear the name of death . Trees are not like that; they do not worry about the changes that take place in their body. They know that if there is a body, that will undergo changes. Even death is not capable of arresting changes. So, if your girls and boys opt for a new dress pattern or a new life pattern don’t curse them.
We were talking about the trees in our court yard and those along the streets we drive through. Shorty they will sacrifice their dry leaves at the feet of the mother earth who will embrace them to her bottom and give them rebirth, a new life, and hand them over back to the trees, fresh and tender. I have been watching the drama of this calculated conversion, rhythmic reformation, for a few years . I thank my son for providing me a study with a big window near my computer, opening to the lovely garden with lush green lawn, bordered by trees and extending to a forest, my companions for most of the day.
From trees to humans. I am reminded of some of the well- to- do families in the places where I lived before, the palatial houses they lived in, the costly dress and ornaments the women folk wore, the loud noise the men made in weddings and religious gatherings, their sarcastic statements, their ‘don’t touch me’ behavior and their arrivals for the family functions and kathakali , dance or music programs accompanied by their wives carrying a silver kooja (pot) with hot coffee and a servant maid behind them carrying the betel – casket. Alas, how fast almost all those pompous men and women, all those houses have vanished from the face of the earth. I showed a landlord, related to me, out of sheer enthusiasm, my first appointment order in a WHO project related to the health studies of villagers. His sharp eyes noticed that my salary was R.60 plus allowances. Instantly, as if he was waiting for a chance to strike, he made a cruel remark , ”sixty rupees means two rupees a day! ” and without saying a word of encouragement, without appreciating that my first appointment was in a leading research institute under the premier Medical Council, he handed over the paper back to me, as if that quarter sheet of paper with a Government seal was worth nothing. Every time, I got a better position, I used to unnecessarily think about that man and during one of my Kerala trips sometime ago, when I happened to pass through his village I wanted tell him that my pension was more than 20, 000 . But where was he ? One person I inquired, simply lifted his hand and pointed towards the sky and another did not even know that such a big man existed in that village. There was only a mount of rubble left where his house stood in all its glamor. No trace of even that veranda with that ornamental easy – chair reclining on which the ‘peiyaver’, the rich relative ridiculed my just- received appointment order. While standing before that heap of brick and mud monument of devastation, I could not but wonder how could that majestic mansion crumble so pathetically and how did the sons of the prestigious, proud owner with broad chest, long arms, prominent nose, snow-white clothes did burn him into ashes ?
So, when a kid shows you a sheet of paper where he has scribbled something with his own hand or when your wife hands over a cup of coffee prepared by her for the first time, enlarge your eyes, raise your eyebrows, make a cone with your lips as if you are going to whistle and hug them- both, the kid and your wife.
A deer looks at us innocently, raising its round ears sharp and alert, when I go for a walk with my grand children, in the evenings. It comes out of the bushes and look at the passing cars as if she is seeing them for the first time in her life. Why should man hunt such an innocent creature, which harms none ? Why should a wild animal, pounce on her, tear her into pieces and eat ? The Mighty mashing the meek !.
Trees give flowers ,fruits, fuel, fodder, manure, housing for the birds, shelter for anyone who seeks refuge, man or animal. and even a helping hand for the creepers to come up . When it comes to animals, the mighty smashes the week, to satisfy hunger. And man kills birds and animals for pleasure and for eating.
And man kills man to feed his hunger for power, position, wealth and ego.
The mighty mashes the meek.
Baltimore,
Oct 17, 2011
comments:
Thursday, 3 November 2011
T.V .Ramakrishnan
Very touching article with philosophical thought, nice indeed.
With regards
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Clipping the wings of our girls
What a medieval mentality is this, my friend, Sri.——!
I am really shocked. Such a proposal coming from an educated, elite member of this group !. Am I in 2011 or 1102 !.
To pack off the girls early, to ensure they do not marry boys of other communities ! By clipping their wings, preventing their studying beyond, say matriculation, they will not be able to take up any job and thus will be compelled to remain in the kitchen serving the family and be good ‘sahadarminis’ and not mere bed-mates.This is exactly what you want !
But that is not what the present day boys want ! They want a partner who will have the capabilities to row the life-boat along with them and not a meek woman to hold darbhai behind them which is only a one time event in a year. They want educated girls, who can drive the car, teach children at home, help them in bank work, host guests and talk to them in a language which they will understand, handle emails, phones and call for an ambulance or doctor in emergencies. And God forbid, if they are immobilized or removed form the scene due to an unfortunate event, their spouses should be able to take care of the offspring , educate them, raise them and see that they are settled in life. Any father will hope for that and that is a very legitimate expectation from their life-partners..
Can’t an SSLC girl perform all these tasks, you may ask. They might be. But will a graduate or PG boy opt for a non-graduate ? The boys will insist on educational parity as the girls does. So, to achieve your goal, we should not educate the boys too, beyond matriculation ? Education is a valuable tool for the progress. Even the ultra orthodox moulavies of the Muslim communities have now started encouraging the girls to improve their education.
In the olden days the house wives worked hard, but that was within the four walls of their house. Now half the day they have to spend outside, for their children’s schooling, shopping and other activities. Present cities not old agraharams. In fact even old villages have changed.
The married girls in my family,get up early morning, wake up the children and prepare them to go to school, prepare food, drive the kids to school and from their proceed to their own work-place, pick up the kids from the school on their way back from their works, feed and teach them at night and also take care of their husbands’ needs at home and also outside and also do the shopping. This is in addition to their Sunday activities when they have to take their kids to Balavihar , sports, swimming, music, dance and other activities. In India also almost the same routine is observed .Only difference might be that many may not drive their vehicles but make use of other transports.
Do you have a daughter of 16 or 17, Mr. —– Just tell her that you want her to discontinue her studies at matriculation as you are ‘arranging’ her marriage. I know what reply you will get from her, because nearly three decades ago, my mother suggested the same to my sisters and they said ‘no’. Fortunately my father was not like you. I encouraged him and put them in college and helped to complete their graduation. They worked as scientists and administrators, remaining as real sahadharminies and also educated their children well who are now holding good positions.
I know the woes of the women of my generation who had to face the consequence of early marriage to elderly men who left this world throwing their women to the dust bin. You also might be having such unfortunate human beings in your family or in the friend- circle. Let not the history be repeated now Let us not talk about that sad story.
And migration to outer fields. Has it not happened before ? In my own circle there were a few cases, some 20-30 years ago.. Some flourished and some suffered. And that will continue.
Shall I tell you one more thing. As I mentioned in this column recently, in one of the four weddings I attended, during my recent trip to India, the bride groom was my son in law’s brother and the bride an Australian girl. The wedding was strictly according to the Andrha vaishnavite customs and it was real fun to watch the Australian father performing the kanyadhanam, wearing ready made silk panchagatcham and reciting mantras in his accent ! Last Sunday I attended a wedding in the Greater Baltimore Temple. Here again the bride was an American girl, wearing madisaru in typical Tamil Iyer style. There is a So, there is a flow in the reverse direction too .
The oceans are shrinking. Among the westerns, there are many who find merit in our way of living. The exchange of cultural life and activities are unavoidable. When our children are aspiring to invade and occupy other planets you cannot stop them if they go beyond your village border to choose their life-partners.
And about the divorces. In the olden days, women suffered silently within the four walls of their houses, because they had no courage to fight the society and no means to survive if they come out. The present woman has both. Instead of stagnating, the water is flowing out freely now. Think of the Nair women who lived behind your village. It is not that they loved their husband less. But they had economical sovereignty.So, they could easily get rid of their husbands when they misbehaved. Instead of their going out they threw their husbands out of their house. But our women did not have it. The land was not in their name. For the present wives if not land, they have education,. they have jobs The husbands should behave like husbands and the wives should behave like wives. Otherwise the house will break. There is no caste or religious factors in this.
Don’t get disheartened. You cannot act against the wishes or your son or daughter and you should not also. I have four children; I do not know how many you have. As a senior person, my advice to you is allow them to study; don’t stop with matriculation. And allow them to select their life partners. Guide them from outside. Your turn was over and I do not know whether the selection was by you or your parents. My parents had a valid reason for asking me, through a telegram, to marry a girl of their choice; As kids, we had played together! And right from her grand mother, every one in the family was known to my mother!. They did not show me even a picture of my life partner.
But that was in the last century. We have come far, far, from there.
Baltimore, Sept 28, 2011
Comments :
dear sir
an excellent piece
i marvel @ your versatility
thanks for such a sensible article
regards
balagopal
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Brilliant and fitting response.
Agree wholeheartedly.
Regards
GV
Agree wholeheartedly.
Regards
GV
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Next post on this topic
“How to find only brahmin girls, for our sons?’ is a question asked by those who generally agree with my views expressed in the previous post. Here are a few suggestions, rather what I will do if I have to look for a girl for my son:1. Will notinclude the condition, ‘sub sects not desired’ in the advertisement.2. Will notinsist on horoscope matching ‘pathu porutham’ and all. Will Leave that to the girl’s parents and if they convey the agreement of horoscopes , I will simply say, ‘ fine, go ahead ‘ No ‘let us have a second opinion’ That opinion, will be mostly opposite to the first. If the boy and girl agree, I will simply go by ‘Mana porutham’ which is the best ‘porutham’ and without that, all other ‘poruthams’ will only lead to ‘varutham’.3.Will not look at the ‘gothram’ at all. That idea is obsolete.We do not know whether the Maharshi in our ‘abhivadaye’ is our gotra guru or gothra pita. Anyway, we have come through many, many generations down now and he will never stand in the way of his descendants getting united . My daughter has married a sagotram boy and they have two healthy kids now .
4. One, two, three months pass on, nothing happens. I will start looking for any brahmin girls, Iyer Iyengar, Madhwa, Nambudiries, potties etc. I will look for other all India Matrimonial sites too; Kerala, Andhra, Karnataka all these are neighboring states and there is no much difference in the worship and family practices . If I fail to get a girl from these gold mines too, will go for brahmin girls from anywhere in the country, north or south, east or west. They are all good and will adjust with your culture,family traditions, habits and practices. Some of the girls who entered our houses from north and east became master cooks for shradaham., within the first year! They now help Iyer girls to prepare morkoottan and wear madisaru now ! What else do you need ?.
5. I will not reject a girl purely on the basis of her lower financial status. Without hurting her parents’ sentiments, I will suggest that they can conduct the marriage within their means. In our weddings, I found nearly 60- 80 % expenditure comes under the non-essential or avoidable category. In one of the weddings I attended, nearly 2ooo snaps were taken and 200 laminated. One tenth of that wood have been a luxury.
6. I will not talk a word about dowry, vessels, number and size of laddus and circumference of murukkus, number of Kanchi pattus, their border color etc. When my first sambandhi asked me, ‘ what are your conditions ?’ I replied that the girl and boy should like each other and that was my only condition; and yet, during the nitchithartham, he was gracious enough to keep Rs.10001 before me, along with thamboolam.. I took the one Rupee coin and returned the balance amount saying I have accepted the whole amount. And on the wedding stage, soon after ‘kanyadhanam’ I handed over the cash-bag which I was carrying, to the bride and told her that ‘now on, this is yours’ . It was a simple gesture to assure a girl who was entering our family for the first time, to live the rest of her life here, that we are all with her. Our marriage mantras say that she is the queen of the house. Eleven years are over now and even today, Meghana’s eyes become moist when she recalls that scene.
7. I will behave in a dignified way when I meet the girl and her people for the first time. I will ask only one question to the girl ” Konthe, onakku chamakka theriyauma ?” invariably she will nod her head to say ‘ no ‘ when her mother will intervene and say ‘avalukku noodles untakka theirium’ . Then I will ask that worthy mother or the father ( if cooking comes under his portfolio) to teach their offspring how to make the basic food items..It is a basic requirement for a house wife whether in India or outside.
Still if I am not able to find a girl for my son, I will repeat my father’s words to me some forty years ago, ” entha ponnai veanalum kootikkindu kaalile vishuda. Aasirvatham pannaren” I was thirty five then. See my ‘Oh parmasukam’ story.
Now let me go to the other side of the table.
A. Sri.Muralidharan’s main objection is that he did not mention that girls should not study beyond SSLC and it was my invention. Agreed. But when he suggested of early marriage, this is how I worked out : 16 years for matriculation + 6years for inter and graduation + 2 years at least to get the marriage fixed==24 years provided the girl is good in her studies and no hindrance happens in between. Marriage at 24 years is ‘timely’ marriage and not ‘early’ marriage.. He says now that she can work after marriage. I am happy to hear that. Working means earning, earning means ego-so we are back to square one. So, either you have to stop the studies at matriculation level or allow the girl to continue and take up a job, and meet the consequences , good as well as bad. Or choose a girl who will agree not to work, post marriage.
Let me also clarify to my friend that I am not for our boys marrying girls from other religions; but that happens because our sons opt for that.
B. ” Girls’ empowerment.Good. The duty of the parents is only to ensure that their sons (a) get good education, (b) select their partners and (c) forget their parents. These are the days when female partners have the right to take care of their aged parents and their relatives, and not allow any of the inlaws into their houses. If the husband wants to see his parents, he may seek for permission from his wife to go alone, once a while. If the husband wants to talk to his parents over phone, he should not do so inside the house. If the husband wants to show his son or daughter to his parents, the husband should again seek permission from his wife, and if she keeps mum, the husband should silently withdraw his desire, for the sake of family peace. Since girls go for decent jobs, and earn a decent salary, they no longer depend on their husbands financially. But, they need husbands, JUST FOR SECURITY – “a dignified servant” in the name of husband. Luckily, these days, parents also do not depend on their sons financially. Idiotic parents crave for affection. They should avoid this expectation, and use their hard earned money by supporting old age homes and orphanages, because they themselves may have to depend on such old age homes or orphanages one day or the other. This is the case with more than 90% of the families. Let us all encourage Girls’ empowerment”- This was the 2nd mail. I am not mentioning the author’s name as it did not come through the forum.
It is true that in some families this is happening though I do not believe the % given .Anyway, it is unfortunate ; it should not happen even in one single family. So, what the solution ? Select a semi literate girl as bride so that she has no possibility of taking up a job, which is the cause of her harassing, as per the suggestion in the above post. How many of our boys are prepared to accept such girls?
How is it that we became so helpless before a mere woman who came yesterday to our family ? And how is that our sons became their ‘slaves’ and stooped so low as to neglect their parents ?
Is it that the way we brought up our children was defective? Or is it that, our extreme emotional attachment is playing the spoil sport ?
One thing is certain. You cannot stop the aspiration of girls for higher education and also their taking up jobs. At the most, while going to see the girl, you can ask whether she is prepared to sit at home and do the embroidery and watch TV and if the reply is negative, put down the bajji you have picked up for biting and come out There are good hotels on your way back home .
But be prepared that your son might bring home a girl of his choice within a couple of weeks or months who will sing during your evening prayer time, ‘Yesunathar pesinal avar enna pesuvar?’
Love and regards,
sperinkulam
4. One, two, three months pass on, nothing happens. I will start looking for any brahmin girls, Iyer Iyengar, Madhwa, Nambudiries, potties etc. I will look for other all India Matrimonial sites too; Kerala, Andhra, Karnataka all these are neighboring states and there is no much difference in the worship and family practices . If I fail to get a girl from these gold mines too, will go for brahmin girls from anywhere in the country, north or south, east or west. They are all good and will adjust with your culture,family traditions, habits and practices. Some of the girls who entered our houses from north and east became master cooks for shradaham., within the first year! They now help Iyer girls to prepare morkoottan and wear madisaru now ! What else do you need ?.
5. I will not reject a girl purely on the basis of her lower financial status. Without hurting her parents’ sentiments, I will suggest that they can conduct the marriage within their means. In our weddings, I found nearly 60- 80 % expenditure comes under the non-essential or avoidable category. In one of the weddings I attended, nearly 2ooo snaps were taken and 200 laminated. One tenth of that wood have been a luxury.
6. I will not talk a word about dowry, vessels, number and size of laddus and circumference of murukkus, number of Kanchi pattus, their border color etc. When my first sambandhi asked me, ‘ what are your conditions ?’ I replied that the girl and boy should like each other and that was my only condition; and yet, during the nitchithartham, he was gracious enough to keep Rs.10001 before me, along with thamboolam.. I took the one Rupee coin and returned the balance amount saying I have accepted the whole amount. And on the wedding stage, soon after ‘kanyadhanam’ I handed over the cash-bag which I was carrying, to the bride and told her that ‘now on, this is yours’ . It was a simple gesture to assure a girl who was entering our family for the first time, to live the rest of her life here, that we are all with her. Our marriage mantras say that she is the queen of the house. Eleven years are over now and even today, Meghana’s eyes become moist when she recalls that scene.
7. I will behave in a dignified way when I meet the girl and her people for the first time. I will ask only one question to the girl ” Konthe, onakku chamakka theriyauma ?” invariably she will nod her head to say ‘ no ‘ when her mother will intervene and say ‘avalukku noodles untakka theirium’ . Then I will ask that worthy mother or the father ( if cooking comes under his portfolio) to teach their offspring how to make the basic food items..It is a basic requirement for a house wife whether in India or outside.
Still if I am not able to find a girl for my son, I will repeat my father’s words to me some forty years ago, ” entha ponnai veanalum kootikkindu kaalile vishuda. Aasirvatham pannaren” I was thirty five then. See my ‘Oh parmasukam’ story.
Now let me go to the other side of the table.
A. Sri.Muralidharan’s main objection is that he did not mention that girls should not study beyond SSLC and it was my invention. Agreed. But when he suggested of early marriage, this is how I worked out : 16 years for matriculation + 6years for inter and graduation + 2 years at least to get the marriage fixed==24 years provided the girl is good in her studies and no hindrance happens in between. Marriage at 24 years is ‘timely’ marriage and not ‘early’ marriage.. He says now that she can work after marriage. I am happy to hear that. Working means earning, earning means ego-so we are back to square one. So, either you have to stop the studies at matriculation level or allow the girl to continue and take up a job, and meet the consequences , good as well as bad. Or choose a girl who will agree not to work, post marriage.
Let me also clarify to my friend that I am not for our boys marrying girls from other religions; but that happens because our sons opt for that.
B. ” Girls’ empowerment.Good. The duty of the parents is only to ensure that their sons (a) get good education, (b) select their partners and (c) forget their parents. These are the days when female partners have the right to take care of their aged parents and their relatives, and not allow any of the inlaws into their houses. If the husband wants to see his parents, he may seek for permission from his wife to go alone, once a while. If the husband wants to talk to his parents over phone, he should not do so inside the house. If the husband wants to show his son or daughter to his parents, the husband should again seek permission from his wife, and if she keeps mum, the husband should silently withdraw his desire, for the sake of family peace. Since girls go for decent jobs, and earn a decent salary, they no longer depend on their husbands financially. But, they need husbands, JUST FOR SECURITY – “a dignified servant” in the name of husband. Luckily, these days, parents also do not depend on their sons financially. Idiotic parents crave for affection. They should avoid this expectation, and use their hard earned money by supporting old age homes and orphanages, because they themselves may have to depend on such old age homes or orphanages one day or the other. This is the case with more than 90% of the families. Let us all encourage Girls’ empowerment”- This was the 2nd mail. I am not mentioning the author’s name as it did not come through the forum.
It is true that in some families this is happening though I do not believe the % given .Anyway, it is unfortunate ; it should not happen even in one single family. So, what the solution ? Select a semi literate girl as bride so that she has no possibility of taking up a job, which is the cause of her harassing, as per the suggestion in the above post. How many of our boys are prepared to accept such girls?
How is it that we became so helpless before a mere woman who came yesterday to our family ? And how is that our sons became their ‘slaves’ and stooped so low as to neglect their parents ?
Is it that the way we brought up our children was defective? Or is it that, our extreme emotional attachment is playing the spoil sport ?
One thing is certain. You cannot stop the aspiration of girls for higher education and also their taking up jobs. At the most, while going to see the girl, you can ask whether she is prepared to sit at home and do the embroidery and watch TV and if the reply is negative, put down the bajji you have picked up for biting and come out There are good hotels on your way back home .
But be prepared that your son might bring home a girl of his choice within a couple of weeks or months who will sing during your evening prayer time, ‘Yesunathar pesinal avar enna pesuvar?’
Love and regards,
sperinkulam
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Comments :
Wah Wah Wah Wah………………… oh my God, I enjoyed it completely reading your below reply message… A very good and valuable piece right from the word start to the end.
I love that last sentence…… Yesunadhar…………….pesuvar.
Kind Regards
Shanti
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To iyer123 yahoo group, [email protected], [email protected]
| Dear Members,I read Sri Muralidharan’s views with interest.I am unable to agree with him on this one issue, while still holding him in high regard and fully respecting his right to hold and air his views.I heartily second Sri Sivasubramanian’s response and he has spared me the effort to type out a long comment. I also noted in particular the following comment in Sri Muralidharan’s post : “Many women rights activists may not agree with some of the points above. Let them allow their girls to explore all the men in the world. Let us not disturb them. Let sensible Brahmins take care of their own wards” This prompted me to sent this post and the first two responses received yesterday from Sri Raju Iyer and Sri Sivasubramanian to a lady blogger friend of mine who writes on women’s issues. After editing out names of persons and communities/ religions, she has posted this on her blog with her comments interspersed. Members who are curious may like to visit the link and see what response this has elicited from her readers who are mostly women but also include some men like me. Early and arranged marriages within the community prevent social ills. There are already 24 comments, as I write this and I expect many more in the next two days. Regards GV |
The link to my digest compilation which I mentioned in my previous post is given below.http://dl.dropbox.com/u/1523566/Opportunity%20for%20girls%20-%20edited%20version.txtAs mentioned I have replaced the names of persons with their initials and expunged the name of the community as I wish to circulate this outside the community too.The subject of this thread is being discussed by readers of a popular blog and the link is:
Early and arranged marriages within the community prevent social ills.
Regards
Early and arranged marriages within the community prevent social ills.
Regards
GV
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Dear Sir Periankulam,
I’ve read many of your mails & am amazed by your command of language & your broad mind.
you’ve tried to tackle a very complex issue in a very humorous way!
I simply bow down to your father for his broad mind at THAT TIME & PLACE!
you’ve tried to tackle a very complex issue in a very humorous way!
I simply bow down to your father for his broad mind at THAT TIME & PLACE!
I am mother & grand mother, both twice & one thing I ‘ve learnt for sure is that your children’s spirits are free & you cannot hold them in a cage-gold or otherwise.
If they make a choice of partner, our attitude should be-like that of your father, may God bless his soul.
I am proud to say that my daughter takes care of her in- laws affectionately, mostly because i keep insisting its her duty & her future happiness. No matter the sons may follow their wife’s ‘pallus’in the early days, but in the long term they’ll be happy 7 contended only if they do their duty towards their parents. Otherwise, life is just going to be a struggle for both in the later days, when guilt (of a neglected parent) becomes partner too in their marriage.
As for expecting the son’s to do their duty, which we indians hold as our RIGHT anyway, entails a very important responsibility on our part- we have to be worthy of that right & so we must do our duty-respect out dIL, her parents, her individuality-that she just cannot be our shadow, and all our advices should be only in the form of suggestions- whispers in the wind.
Let the parents behave in such a manner, you’ll see that there is no son who does not do his duty. Responsibility of the son entails duty from the parents’ side too, like a coin that has two sides. Lets not forget that.SGShanthi Gopalan, [email protected] all,
It might be that Sri.Muralidharan mentioned about people who get married in their late 30s (may be for valid reasons) rather than child marriage (which is not accpetable).
Personally, I can see genuine concern in his words. Instead of looking at the positive side of it, calling him stupid, in my opinion, doesn’t help.
I have seen a number of Brahmin boys/girls marrying other community/religion people and getting converted to their religion and started to consume non-vegetarian etc., without any hesitation.
From my little experience, I also noticed that our community girls and boys lack basic good qualities such as respecting elders, following our tradition and the knowledge as to how the family set up works. (may form only a fraction of our community population, but they exist). Here, it may be that, parents fail to instil these qualities looking only at the money they bring (especially girls).
Yes, I agree that there should not be any hurdle to freedom in thinking and going forward (of course, not blindly copying western culture). But at the same time accepting our shortcomings and try to find solutions is very important.
If anybody thinks that by studying a degree or pretending to be thinking ahead, one automatically gets the right to tell everybody to just let go off our custom/tradition or do not even want to consider the ideas to prevent different kinds of attack on our community, they should be called stupid and I don’t think they have any right to continue in this group, which is obviously back dated and believes in values and tradition.
Regards,
Vijayakumar, [email protected]
It might be that Sri.Muralidharan mentioned about people who get married in their late 30s (may be for valid reasons) rather than child marriage (which is not accpetable).
Personally, I can see genuine concern in his words. Instead of looking at the positive side of it, calling him stupid, in my opinion, doesn’t help.
I have seen a number of Brahmin boys/girls marrying other community/religion people and getting converted to their religion and started to consume non-vegetarian etc., without any hesitation.
From my little experience, I also noticed that our community girls and boys lack basic good qualities such as respecting elders, following our tradition and the knowledge as to how the family set up works. (may form only a fraction of our community population, but they exist). Here, it may be that, parents fail to instil these qualities looking only at the money they bring (especially girls).
Yes, I agree that there should not be any hurdle to freedom in thinking and going forward (of course, not blindly copying western culture). But at the same time accepting our shortcomings and try to find solutions is very important.
If anybody thinks that by studying a degree or pretending to be thinking ahead, one automatically gets the right to tell everybody to just let go off our custom/tradition or do not even want to consider the ideas to prevent different kinds of attack on our community, they should be called stupid and I don’t think they have any right to continue in this group, which is obviously back dated and believes in values and tradition.
Regards,
Vijayakumar, [email protected]
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hi sir.i really enjoyed the last line more than anything else in the article.What u have written is absolutely true with reference to the fussy yardsticks used by our people while looking out for matches.regards.shanthy
Mrs.C.V.Shanthy.
Principal,Jawahar Navodaya Vidyalaya,
Vythiri,Wayanad-Kerala.673576.
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Dear Sir,
Again i am replying only to u and not to the forum. I am sorry Sir, the percentage of the cases mentioned by me in my earlier mail is really high. In many cases, this happens even if the girl is only a housewife and has no independent earning. In one case, She pretended as if her misbehaviour and shouting was due to a psychiatric problem, the husband consulted a Psychiatrist, and as per the Psychiatrist’s advice, he secured a small job for her, just to avoid her remaining idle throughout the day, even though her husband earns 50 times of her salary and she has no necessity to go and work under anyone. She is perfectly alright in the work place, with her parents, sisters, etc. but becomes wild only with her husband just because, the husband is unable to severe connections with her inlaws who reside several hundred miles away. It is an attitudinal problem with most of the girls now-a-days. They simply hate the in laws, and openly claim that they do not want their husband’s affection to be shared by others. The boys are helpless. This is the reason for the sudden upsurge of several “Associations for Men’s protection” and similar “Association for Mother in laws’ protection” in almost all cities and towns in India. The girls easily blame their husbands with mental torture and harassment, and all the Laws are in their favour. Will any God fearing parent advise his/her son to leave his wife and come out? I know several cases, where the boys’ parents silently suffer and sacrifice. Ofcourse, these days, all parents have money, but they are unable to develop detachment towards the sons so fondly brought up.
Abour your suggestions for NO CONDITION from Bridegroom’s side, this has already come into practice.
One more information Sir, if u analyse, u can find that divorcee girls easily get remarried, but divorcee boys do not get girls. There was an illeterate divorced girl – with limping leg, but she got married to a boy – with good qualifications and job, HE IS NOT A DIVORCEE.This is his first marriage.
I do not escape the feeling that over a period, we have overplayed mother in law’s torture, husbands’ torture, married girls’ sufferings, etc, in cinemas, TV serials, and even in upanyasams, – and we are reaping the results. That is why i could not digest the mails encouraging women’s empowerment, since the males already have enough of it. SR
Cultural dipsay, really ? An interesting chat
Cultural disparity , really ?
Early morning on Sept. 15th, I had an interesting internet chat with an unknown friend . That good soul, opened up his mind instantly, though that was our maiden meet through the net and he had no inkling whether I am a Rama or Ravana. Our only link is my stories.
I would like to quote him verbatim :
| :51am Sep 16 |
” Sir, I was born in Kerala and brought up in strict Palakkad tradition in a place called Wadi in North Karnataka by my widowed, authoritarian disciplinarian grandmother. My wife was born and brought up in Delhi in Tanjore Iyer tradition. The difference is there for us to see. As I mentioned earlier my grandmother used to illustrate her comments with stories like “Vedam chollara vaayakkum brahmana”, “Mai ittukkaraya mamiyare”, “Tamburanekkaal enikkanu sambathu” etc. And the phrase I said I used with my wife was “Ory vai chottai kottinduttu poyendi, verum vayathode choundikki pora mathiri ponama”. Thanks sir, for remembering me in your post.
Sri.Iyer’s complaint is the poochai-poonai disparity in routine conversation between the husband and wife is creating tension sometimes . “That is due to our cultural disparity” he asserts. In the example narrated above, with all the affection and consideration, when he asks his wife not to go out with an empty stomach, she takes it as an abuse.
I disagree and I tell him so.”You have lived under the same roof for several years, talk mostly Hindi or English, your children also do the same way, eat mostly north Indian food and your children too do the same, both belong to the Iyer community and therefore there cannot be much variation in your practices and way of worship etc.Then how do you say that is a cultural disparity, I ask and continue :
Thirty years ago my sister, who is fluent more in Malayalam than in Tamil was married to an Iyengar boy, whose mother Tongue is Tamil but he is fluent in Telugu. They are happily living without any cultural disparity.
Their son, a medico, working in US, married a month ago a Telugu girl,known to him but chosen by his parents. The wedding was as per the Telugu tradition, the bride carried in a colurful basket brought to the pantaal by her maternal uncles and Chilakkara-vellam (cummin-jaggery ) paste applied on her head on the auspicious murhoortham, considered as the main uniting symbol .
My only daughter married , ten years ago a Telugu Vaishnavite, their children now hardly speak the mother tongues of their parents and they have been living happily.
My SIL’S brother recently married an Australian girl, strictly according to the Telugu vaishnava sampradayam.
Yesterday I had been to the Greater Baltimore Temple to perform the sradham of my mother under the guidance of Sri.Murali Vaadyar. A wedding was taking place there, in the typical Tamil style with oonjal, kasi yatrai etc. The bride is an American girl in madisaru.
Compared to all the above, your partner ship with a Tamil brahmin woman gives no hope for disparity .
No, Iyer doesn’t agree.
“BTW my brother married a Reddy girl and they dont seem to find any cultural disparities between them They speak a curious mix of PI Tamil, Hyderabadi Hindi and English. They seem very comfortable with it. She loves molakoottal and he loves Gongoora pachadi and all is well. May be when the cultural differences are wide they don’t matter, when they are close it irritates”.
Now, you tell me when there is no ‘cultural disparity’ in the ‘molakoottal-gongoora chatni’ mix, why should it be there in the ‘morkoottan-morkkozhambu’ mix ?.
And, let me assure you that the married life of my net friend is booming and the disparity is only in the dialectics.
Baltimore,
Sept16, 2011
Back to Baltimore
So, I am back in Baltimore after a short visit to my mother-land where I attended four weddings in the family, including two of different combinations- Iyengar+Telugu Brahmin and Telugu Vaishnavite+ Australian. All went on well, by the grace of God. Neither my brother- in- law who booked my ticket nor my daughter- in- law to whom it was sent for confirmation, did note that the date of travel coincided with the tenth anniversary of the dreaded 9/11/ when terrorist destroyed the World Trade Center in New york and along with it, the lives of several innocent men and women, leaving behind a trail of trauma and tragedy .’It is fine ‘ was my cool reply, when I was told about the date, ” everything comes for good; whatever has to happen, will happen’ . The date could have been changed but I was not for that. Family was not happy, They continued to murmur, till they got the message of my safe landing here. Some friends even looked at my face as if that the was last chance for them for that. Even if some thing bad had happened, stars could not be blamed as I never go by their name to commence any act, though many nights I spend looking at them, admiring their unparalleled twinkling and unalloyed smiles.While I was moving towards the check-in counter, the young man in charge, aggressively got up from his seat and advanced towards me. ” What harm have I done to him; he can’t be a reader of my stories ” I thought and moved a bit to a side, for safety. ‘ Don’t you remember me Uncle ?’ he smiled and held my hand.’ my elder brother was your son Ananth’s class mate”.’Yes, I do now recollect ; how do you do ? you are –?’ Several time, I make such remarks to cover my forgetfulness. Anyway, Naveen was so kind that he was waiting in the flight to guide me to my seat and place the cabin-luggage in the loft-box. I recollected some scenes in my story, “my maiden US visit ‘ while occupying the seat.Heathrew’s passenger magnitude and diversity always hold me in awe. It is the busiest airport in UK and the third busiest in the world in terms of passenger traffic, after Hartsfield-Jackson in Atlanta, Georgia and Beijing Capital international airports. Among the staff many are Indians, speaking mostly Gujarati or Hindi.
Sitting next to me in the flight from Heathrew to Washington was an old Burmese lady who doesn’t know a single English word. The aircraft crew had to help her even in filling up the immigration and customs forms. In malls here I see many women who know only Gujarati. Language is not that indispensable, I feel some time. After all we did survive for many generations when language had not evolved. It helps a lot in developing understanding and improving the quality of life no doubt, but fighting on the basis of language difference and cutting each others throat is unnecessary. Man came first and not languages . Man came first and not caste or religions.
Thanks to my possessing a Green card, no questions were asked in the immigration counter and no finger -print or photos. My personal belongings were only a few sets of dress and books and the rest of 54 kg weight was made of contributions from my sambandhies and sisters for distribution for the children here.
‘Appa, why did you bring home these empty Champagne bottles ?” asked Meghana, while clearing my handbag .
“How small and air-tight are they ! I can carry my Navartna hair oil during the domestic travel’ I clarified holding the cute bottles.
‘Appa, you are awesome’ commented my son Sharath “like patti ammai, you too accumulate trash’
“‘You were also taught the same way, Sharath” I told him, stretching my aching back at the comfortable sofa in his drawing room.” But you did not learn the lesson, because the thinking in this country is not saving-conducive. The paper waste you produce in your house in a week will be more than enough to feed a small family, for a day, in India. Each tissue paper roll costs two or three dollars and how thoughtlessly you use and throw them? And why such powerful half-a dozen bulbs in the toilet?’
“Apart from champagne, you would have had your favorite red-wine too in the flight, I am sure” He commented.
“I am talking with full senses; switch off all extra lights ‘” I instructed while Sharath and Meghana held my hands and took me to my bed room.
‘Appa is too tired” commented Meghana.
‘Don’t worry, he will wake up at night and write a story’
Baltimore
Sept 12, 2011
Sitting next to me in the flight from Heathrew to Washington was an old Burmese lady who doesn’t know a single English word. The aircraft crew had to help her even in filling up the immigration and customs forms. In malls here I see many women who know only Gujarati. Language is not that indispensable, I feel some time. After all we did survive for many generations when language had not evolved. It helps a lot in developing understanding and improving the quality of life no doubt, but fighting on the basis of language difference and cutting each others throat is unnecessary. Man came first and not languages . Man came first and not caste or religions.
Thanks to my possessing a Green card, no questions were asked in the immigration counter and no finger -print or photos. My personal belongings were only a few sets of dress and books and the rest of 54 kg weight was made of contributions from my sambandhies and sisters for distribution for the children here.
‘Appa, why did you bring home these empty Champagne bottles ?” asked Meghana, while clearing my handbag .
“How small and air-tight are they ! I can carry my Navartna hair oil during the domestic travel’ I clarified holding the cute bottles.
‘Appa, you are awesome’ commented my son Sharath “like patti ammai, you too accumulate trash’
“‘You were also taught the same way, Sharath” I told him, stretching my aching back at the comfortable sofa in his drawing room.” But you did not learn the lesson, because the thinking in this country is not saving-conducive. The paper waste you produce in your house in a week will be more than enough to feed a small family, for a day, in India. Each tissue paper roll costs two or three dollars and how thoughtlessly you use and throw them? And why such powerful half-a dozen bulbs in the toilet?’
“Apart from champagne, you would have had your favorite red-wine too in the flight, I am sure” He commented.
“I am talking with full senses; switch off all extra lights ‘” I instructed while Sharath and Meghana held my hands and took me to my bed room.
‘Appa is too tired” commented Meghana.
‘Don’t worry, he will wake up at night and write a story’
Baltimore
Sept 12, 2011
Yellow- pumpkin thokayal
Half past one, midnight. Saturated silence inside the house and outside too unlike in Habsiguda where I could see a canine or a kitten and at times, even a neighbour crossing the road. Despite spending over an hour this evening working out in the gym and swimming , sleep, like an old- time mami is keeping away from me, tucking her ‘madisaru’ close to her knees, treating me as an untouchable. I can see her, she can see me but she doesn’t want to come anywhere near me. Luck too is like that. You can see it, but won’t come near you.
I wake up from the bed and casually go through the mail box, when my gloomy eye -lids stop flapping for a moment, sighting the post from an overseas friend, an young lady, mother of a teenage son. I am deeply moved by what she has written. Permit me to share with you that letter which touched the finer fibers of my heart , with some minor editing and concealing her name .
QUOTE :
” Good Morning Mama,
Yesterday I made an ‘Yellow Pumpkin Thokayal’. I have no words to say, It was so delicious. I am not a cooking expert, actually I have learned some from the book after my marriage. Still repairing and working on the menu’s of the same. I was thinking of my Dad while having afternoon meal. My Dad was a foodie and was a great Dad. Everyone says, I am exactly like him. I am the middle child, I was so close to him. We enjoy eating my Mom’s specialties Bajji, Bonda, Neyyappam, Pokkoda, Murukku . My sister and bro was close to Mom. Enakku Peray ‘Appa Ponnu’.
No day passes without his loving memories. During his last moments, I was in —- reading a book on Travelling experiences of an Englishman on the holy lands of India. It was so difficult for me put it in my mind that my father is no more. I could not attend his funeral. Poor Dad was calling out for me till his last breath. My Passport was under renewal. The last conversation I had with my Dad at home was ‘Dad I will bring Vicks Mittai for you and How much you need? Blah…blah..’ He passed away at the age of 76 due to heart attack and was progressing memory loss. (Diminishia) It was the second blow immediately after the death of my —– So many things happened in a short time. Why I am writing all these,mama ? Leave it Mama. Everybody has their own ‘share of Karma’ to unload.
Oh, Where did I leave? Yeah…Mathan Kodal Thokayal… Mama, Why don’t you try this recipe it is very easy. If you are interested to try I will write it for you?”
UNQUOTE ———————————–
I wash my face, come back to my seat and pen a short reply addressing her as ‘ ponnea ‘, my child , shut down the computer, reach for my bed .
No luck yet. Madisaru mami, the merciful sleep , is still keeping away from me. My mind’s wings get stuck in the bushes of the personal grief of my friend as if that grief is my own. For a moment I think what a fool I am ! Just a few days ago I took a vow that slowly I should free myself from the ‘asaapasam’ attachment from the worldly affairs or lead a life of detachment to attachment, as my young friend says, but now, I am getting entangled into a fresh attachment to this girl who was unknown till yesterday!
Yes, our relationship is not more than a week or ten days old. It all happened when I received a letter of appreciation from an unknown person, for my latest Ammalu story.
Quote again;
“Dear Mama,
I read most of your write ups, I do laugh a lot after reading them. By the way, How come the neighbor lady’s Sari in your cupboard? Just curious to knowJ You are a born writer MamaJ You made my day !!
Regards,
——– ”
UNQUOTE :
While typing out the usual note of thanks, I noticed that she has a blog and visited it. I was impressed with the simple style of presentation and the quality of the contents and conveyed my opinion to her.
From then on, almost everyday she has been writing to me about her personal life and family matters as if I am a close relative. Remember, she knows nothing about me, whether I am a good or bad man, saint or scoundrel. Yes, I hear your saying that,’ if she has been reading your posts she would have known that you are not a saint and the possibility of your being the opposite is not remote ” Agreed. truth coming from any corner has to be accepted . Anyway the fact is her compassion towards me is so pristine that even while sharing her grief, she thought about the pumpkin thokayal, a favorite side dish and desired how nice iit would be if I too could enjoy it ! And I know her hardly for a week ! My eyes are getting moist. How blessed I am!
‘Damn with my vow of detachment ‘ I said and went through some of the letters received from my net friends.. How many sons and daughters, uncles and aunts, brothers and sisters, my stories have earned for me ! I have met hardly half a dozen of them but how close most of them have become by sharing their personal life with me, laughing with me,crying with me ! A Malayalee settled in an oil country floating in fortune,whom I knew hardly two weeks ago, weeps on the net, making me also weeping when he writes, “Uncle, my father had no money to buy medicines for his TB and other ailments, suffered for twelve years and died miserably in abject poverty ”
A devoted middle aged man who has been sacked from service for no fault of him says , “Mama, tell me when you come to India,; I want to do sashtangam with ‘Abhivadaye’. ” My dear thammudu, younger brother, you have been performing sandhya regularly for the past 45 years and mother Gayathri will run away if you come anywhere near me. The other gods have already done that.
“Appa has friends all over the world” my children used to say. That is an exaggeration emanated out of affection. But it is a fact that I have friends reading my posts in many countries; and they read my post because our friendship! And I am proud of their love for me .
No, it is not time yet for me for detachment in life when I love this world so much, my children, grand children, brothers, sisters, uncles and aunts, family and friends, living and lived, trees and woods, animals and birds, Madras music festivals and madisaru mamies, palpayasam and pumpkin thokayal and every thing static or movable and above all my gods who are static in temples but so vibrant, so vigilant, so friendsly, so mischievous, and so motivating within my heart.
I think I should sleep now. See you tomorrow, if I am able to get the frame of my eye glasses repaired. Yes, The frame got distorted under the pressure of my frame. After searching all over the house , inside and outside including the the TulsimAdam, the platform of the Tulsi plant, I could trace it trace it right on my bed, disfigured like my disoriented mind. There is a limit for the load- carrying capacity of anything and a small frame of spectacle is not made to carry a big load of my body. And at times, even minor objects, if got crippled, can create major problems- my Ammalu for example ( she is still with my dear MIL and that is why I am writing so boldly . And if she happened to see the mail, I will tell her that I see the world through her, she is my eye sight, without her I am blind, she is my world etc. etc. A husband should know how to twist the words and events to make his wife happy and a wife should know how to act she believes him, as Ammalu does.
Hei, wait a minute – before I remove my truncated eye-glass frame from my equally truncated nose —
” Truncated nose ?” I hear your query, ” I presume the madisaru mami has come very close to you”
Don’t worry about my nose. Mamies are kind to me, though from a safe distance.
Oh, here is a post appearing on the screen, a short one, commenting on my latest Ammalu story, from a super senior net friend, in his seventies, eighties or even above. I jump and hit the roof, unable to control my laughter:
“Ada brahmanaa ! Ennodu alpasanthoshathai kedukkavantha kodali allava neer ? Ommdu Ammalu letterai pathupputtu, Ennodu Ammalu aathai vittu asaimatten enkaral -what a spoil- sport you are ! After seeing your letter to your wife, my wife refuses to move away from the house even for a short while ”
Love and regards,
sperinkulam
Ocala,Florida
May 7 2011
About beliefs and practices- and also a word about my mother -in-law !!.
” Teach him to hit back.”
This was what I told a net friend, who followed my earlier suggestion to teach his child some simple hymns and asked how he should proceed further. He was taken aback; I could hear his gasping for words.
” Sir, are you the correct person whom I wanted to talk to? He continued as if by my mistake, he had entered a Hyderabad biriyani hotel, wearing an exposed sacred thread across his shoulders. ” Earlier you exhorted the importance of guiding children through the path of devotion and hitting or kicking was not a part of it.”
” Exactlly,” I conceded.” Retaliation was not a part of it but I want your son to be taught that art too. Let him learn a few more short hymns with meaning and then you can go to the next level. Simultaneously, you should teach him to be fearless and that includes hitting back , if necessary”
Another net friend was more outspoken, when he wondered, ” the other day you spoke like a saint and today..”. I intervened and completed, ” and today, I am talking like a Satan, right ?”
“Thank you sir, my wife wants me. ” He wanted to escape from me, but I tried to detain him.” Young man, please ask her to pick up the parallel phone.”
” Sorry Sir, she never speaks on parallel connection,” said the dutiful husband and put down the phone. Now, let me explain to you why I wanted the fathers to inculcate a small dosage of courage into the veins of their children. I consider that as important as the knowledge on their culture, customs and class room study.
All of you know that I am not a saint and a few know that I am not a Satan even. It is not an issue which affects you. It doesn’t even affect my own people because they are aware that I can neither do the good of a saint nor the harm of a devil. The issue here is not that at all. My emphasis on emboldening the kids is due to my experience that at the individual and community level Brahmins are not as bold as others. I wish I am proved wrong. All the other communities are united in their assessment that brahmins are spineless.
That blot has to be removed. In the olden days the Brahmins were revered as ‘Boodevas’ or gods on the earth, as they were unselfish and dedicated their life in prayers and for the welfare of the society.Today, they work for their own uplift. The devotional path I suggested earlier was to ensure a smooth sail and what I am advocating now is also for the same purpose. We are not even hissing now, when biting has become unavoidable to save our self, our pride, our family, our stand in the society. Building your body to make it fit to resist diseases and hit back the one who hits you, is equally important as studying Vedas or sastras or singing hymns . I say this from my experience. If you disagree with me, you can put down the phone. Your wife might want you.
Though born in the citadel of Kerala Iyers, Kalpathy, I was raised in a non-brahmin environ, ours being the only brahmin family there. My father chose that place as business prospects were good there. Timber sales was prospering, as merchants from the neighboring Tamil speaking state, thronged . Our shop was near the Railway station and the floating publtic was a prominent source of business. Muslims formed a good percentage of the population, mostly doing menial jobs, railway porters, coolies and also as some shopkeepers, street vendors etc. The timber brokers were mostly Muslims and right from my childhood, I had closely observed their skill in negotiating with the buyers and sellers and reach at a price acceptable to both. Once the transaction is struck, then starts the negotiation with the Railways or truck managers for transporting the wood to the respective destination. The mostly illiterate or semi literate Muslims exhibited unbelievable skill in negotiations and getting the work done. So were the moothans, pillais, Chettiars and others in the Palakkad angadi or wholesale market, which I used to visit often along with my father. They had no pen power, Most of them didn’t know even to sign their names, but their mind was sharp and their body was strong. The early experience with big and small merchants helped me much later, when I took up an entirely new profession, after my retirement in a senior position in the Government service. That was selling clothes ! As the area manager of Bombay Dyeing company, I could negotiate with MDs and VPs of corporate houses for their requirement of uniform clothes for their workers and also with small retail outlets with equal ease. Five years I worked in that capacity and obtained a number of saris for my wife at concessional rate. Chasing in hot sun, settus and mudalies is no hardship at all, if you can make your wife smile with a new Bombay Dyeing sari every other day !
The Muslim kids were just ‘thrown’ to the market, soon after they completed their elementary schooling or preliminary training in the madarsas, religious schools. Mostly they had to feed themselves and even feed their parents and siblings soon they enter the teen age.The kids used to catch fish, bring vegetables from the Palakkad angadi and sell in retail, carrying them on their head in a basket initially, then in a bicycle or engage in other petty business like buying firewood from big shops and selling to tea shops and hoteliers. When boys from other communities complete the SSLC or enter the college , the Muslim kids would have started their own shops, though in a small scale. As they were forced to stand on their own legs, right from their first- alphabetical age, they had to struggle for existence and that helped them immensely to face the life courageously. They had to fight for their very survival. That made them, men. There is a saying in Malayalam, “Maappila kutty, mony kutty- Mulim boys are smart.”
On the other hand, in the agraharam across the river, even in very poor families, children were somehow sent for studies and most of them did well and were able to complete the matriculation. They were given a lot of affection and the over protection, in some cases, made them meek. They were obedient to their parents, a commendable quality no doubt, but excess obedience curtailed, at least in some cases, their ability to think objectively and analyze problems impartially. The excess doses of god-fearing the ‘Ummachi kannaikuthum’ threat, and ‘don’t touch this, don’t touch that’ advises, all made with good intention on the part of the parents, contributed for the lack of intrepidity in the kids.They lacked the spirit of adventure.
No doubt the children grew as ‘ideal’ sons and admirable students but their presence was scanty in play grounds or literary debates or college elections. By virtue of their abilities they should have been in the forefront in all the above fields, but they were mostly at the back seat, except in the classrooms. Those who had to stop their studies at the matriculation level, either joined as clerks, teachers or worked as gumasthas under the shopkeepers. Some got trained in shorthand and typewriting and caught the next available train to Bombay and prospered. Among them, how many took efforts to start their own business or work independently, I do not know. Those who were forced to stay back and work under moothans and chetttiar or Muslim settus too had ample opportunity to start something of their own independently, initially in a small level which could have been expanded and enlarged in due course.Very few attempted that . However, many of our boys who joined as servers in hotels, opened their own shops with the support of their kind brahmin employers. General tendency was to stay safe under the patronage of the employer, instead of venturing out in the sun and toil. Avoid adventures and risk taking, was their general stand.
“Sukama kulikkanam, chappadanam, thoonkanam. – nice bath, sumptuous food and sound sleep “- Simple and contented life That was their aim.”What else is required in life,?” you may ask. Nothing more then. Not now.
A farmer knows how to protect his crops by scaring the crows or killing the rats and pigs. Our children should know that.
How to train them in scaring the crows and killing the pests ?These are some simple methods I find useful, from my personal experience. You are welcome to hear these suggestions or keep down your phone. Your wife might need you.
1.Likes,dislikes, jealousy,affection, compassion, desires and all such characteristics accompany babies when they enter this world. Love them as innocent babies but treat them as grown ups. They watch your movements, hear your words and learn them when they grow and try to imitate you at a certain age and worship you for a short while and dislike you when you do something not to their liking. Never neglect your kids.”avan kozhanthai thanae, avanukku enna theriium- he is a kid after all, what does he know?” attitude of yours is not acceptable to him. Many of your words and behavior will be remembered by him till his last day. I am awestruck sometime at the questions my grand kids ask . We never dared to ask such questions when we were of their age and even many years latter. From the very early days, the kids absorb what we say or what they see, and retain them in their memory and question us when they come across a contrast or contradiction. So, behave in the presence of your child.
2. When your kid toddles and falls, don’t rush to help him to get up. Let him raise on his own, doesn’t matter even if it ends in more slipping and continuous wailing. When you teach you kid swimming, you can only show the technique. You cannot swim for him. He has to swim. The first step for that is regaining the balance on his own while toddling.
3. In the initial stage, the parents first and then the siblings influence the child, most. All in the family are the role models for the kid. A child grown in an abusive atmosphere is unlikely to become a calm and compassionate adult. Never scream at anyone in the house, even at your wife, an innocent woman obeying your every word. If she is a type who retorts, naturally you will not shout at her but you will shout at the kid. Avoid that. He will retort when he grows up and you sag.
4. Never beat your kid. You are at the wrong end of the stick if you use a stick to discipline your child. ‘Kozhanthaikalai aditchu valarthanum’- is an outdated method. We raised four kids without hitting even once, without even screaming at them. My father raised six of us by disciplining us just by rolling his eye balls and staring us for a few seconds. I like the type of punishment the parents award here, in USA. That is called ‘sit out’ . The kid is made to sit in a corner for 10 or 20 minutes, not allowing to mover or talk. For a honey bee- like vibrant kid, it is a big punishment. I don’t mind sitting in a corner for hours together. That is why I am not given that punishment by my children.
” Appa, will you stop singing for five minutes ?,” they request. They are intelligent; I raised them without the help of a stick .
5.Allow the kid to play outside if you are satisfied that the area is safe. Let him earn the friendship of the Nature and see for himself the beauty of the sky, trees, birds and animals. The Nature is a big, benevolent guru. Let him play with other kids. If he comes home complaining that his friend hit him, ask him to return the hit next time. Don’t show excess concern at anytime, if he returns home, get hurt, even if he fractures a limb.Take him to a doctor and get the problem attended to. The kid should play, fight with other kids, fall, get hurt, get drenched in rain, get roasted in the sun, get used to all type of weather. Make him weather proof. that is not done by encasing him in your sari folds or enriching him with unlimited pampering. If you want him to grow into a healthy adult, efficient and responsible, helpful to himself and the family and useful to the society, allow him to face the waggeries of the weather, the waves of the ocean of life.
6 Allow the child to talk and ask questions . Never say, ‘vayai moodu’ or shut up. many questions children ask are difficult to answer. Try to answer as many questions as possible and as many times as required, patiently and intelligently. That will increase his inquisitiveness. The ‘Shut up’ order will dampen the spirit of questioning. Don’t be a land roller on his inquisitiveness . A grand daughter of my extended family, Anika (3 +) was repeatedly chatting seated on the back seat of the car and her mother, Aashu, who was driving the car was going on encouraging her. I didn’t question my niece, a medical specialist, why she was doing that stupid thing, which might divert her attention and also tire the kid, thought I wanted to, as I was trained to think before questioning. That waiting paid me. The kid was telling stories, fabricated from her own imagination and the learned mother was encouraging her.”You know mom, the huge Vancouver mountains developed their own wings and suddenly raised up, up and up and dashed the clouds, tushum, tushum and it rained filling the Vancouver lakes and, and, our house front, ah, I swam, I swam and Avuukth jumped into the water and flashed——” her story went on .
7. Some kids might be hyper active like Ishaan, my sister’s grandson. He is in midway between 3 & 4, aggressive but extremely affectionate. For a week end, my nephews and nieces had come to my eldest son’s house here, in Baltimore, as they do often. My daughter in law was making dosai and she served the first round to the mail members as is the usual practice. Little Ishaan, watching from a corner, was fuming in anger and dashed into the kitchen, pulled the dress of Meghana and in a voice mixed with anger and helplessness, yelled, ‘Amma needs dosai’. His mother’s eyes swelled with tears and mind with motherly pride. “Here is my son who will stand by me, when I grow old,” Mahima would have thought. Mothers who hear me will understand the sentiments better. Why only mothers, I hear you asking. Because, mothers are mothers and fathers are fathers. The grand pas, like me, become mothers, as we recall the enjoyment and excitement we had as fathers, although long back, when we see the grands kids talk wisely or play naughty. We were all happy though surprised at Ishaan’s action in seeking justice for his mom, who was ‘starving’ while his father and his brothers were served the snack, one after the other. He could never watch and tolerate the ‘injustice’ done to his mom. You know how his parents are diverting that kid’s surplus energy? Apart from his usual per-school course, he is coached in soccer, swimming, Tennis and piano. Kids are power stations and that vital force has to be diverted to creativity. Thrashing them in anger is throttling their creativity.
8..Never create an impression in the mind of the kid that the God is a school teacher with a stick or a police man with a gun.Teach him to love God. Show him the sky, sun, moon, clouds and stars, if he question where the God is . Then he may ask why you are worshiping the idols in the temples and pictures in your pooja room. Tell him that they too are gods. If he grows with the knowledge that God is every where, he will love Him and NOT Fear Him.. One of the reasons for our men becoming my feather-minded, is the fear of God induced in them, in their childhood. They should not depend on God for every answer they write in the exam papers . I have seen Brahmin boys touching the feet of Ganesh or Saraswathy in the pictures on the writing pad they bring to the exam halls and reverently lifting that hand towards their head or eyes, before answering each question. This is not an exaggeration. Their parents should have instructed them to believe in their own strength. They could crack a coconut after they pass the exam, before the Ganpathy idol in the temple close to them.
Allow them to grow as a powerful personality , having faith in their own strength, fighting their own battle. And fighting means kicking back if he is kicked and hitting back if he is hit. Train your kid for that. God will help him.
Now, you may happily put down the phone. your wife wants you to prepare coffee. Don’t hit her, as she has not hit you. And nothing wrong in obeying the affectionate demands of your better half. All brave men do that. You have become brave after reading this article.
Baltimore,
April 8, 2012
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Comments:
Mama, pramadama ezutheerukkael.
D. Bhuvaneswar