Author: shivam

‘Ammalu, you booked only two tickets for the movie?

‘Why, you have gifted me a son or daughter after your sixtieth birthday?’

‘Be serious, Ammalu. Ammini wanted to join us’

‘SP, if Ammini wants to go for movie, she will go with her husband, son or daughter or son in law or daughter in law or with a friend, who is much younger than you. She knows my movie program and didn’t say she want to accompany us.
If you, on your own, want to take her, make her to sit on your lap . I am not going to buy a ticket for her ‘

‘Ammalu, please try to understand that I’m the owner of this house. This house belongs to me. I bought this house in my name. No one else has any right in this house’

‘Four unnecessary sentences conveying a wrong message’

‘What do you mean? This house doesn’t belong to me?’

‘If this house belongs to you, our kitchen too belongs to you?’

‘Yes’

‘Exactly. So, from this moment onwards, you are taking charge of the kitchen and cook for us. Remember four sentences you used to say that this house belongs to you and you confurmed that  the kitchen is a part of the house’

‘My dream wife was endowed with at least 10% of my talents in poetry, music, oratory, acting, writing etc but what I got was a semi literate. No meaning in getting irritated in my observation, Ammalu, but write one line in English, if you can. Just one line ‘

‘Give me your iPad, please’

‘IPad? Don’t use it as a dosa pan! Here it is’

”SP, my hubby, you were my fan
Ere you wedded this dosa pan..
Now your IQ is a big Q,
Intelligence an inverted U,
Your maths is a big circle,
Chemistry a mystery,
Your English is on long lease
Tongue needs coats of grease.

English I can’t write, you say
But I can write off and throw away
Your Ammini like a peanut cover
Your Pattu like a sickly flavor,
Ammu like a pumpkin seed
And Syamu like a thorny weed.

You may grumble, but you won’t be out
For you punishment, an hour sit -out
SP, my poem you can make out?
If so, take a print out, frame
Hang on our your bed room wall
And fume!

Ammalu, did Ammini come here?’

‘What work has she here early morning . She does’nt supply us milk or vegetables’

‘I have some urgent work with her’

‘Then you should go to her house. But remember there, her husband Nair will ask you the same question slightly modified- ‘what work have you here early morning? Have you come to milk our cow or carry milk for door to door sales?”

——————–

Ammalu, I belong to a high intellectual group and my talk will be always at a scholarly peak, with annotations, quotations, notations etc.. tell me whether my coffee is ready’

‘Talk sensibly if you want first decoction
Coffee ‘
——————————–

‘Ammalu, is there any relationship between us other than that I’m the husband and you, my wife?’

‘You tell me, if any?’

‘Admitted your failure?

‘Admitted’

‘Ok, you good for nothing woman! There is another relationship . I’m the boss and you my subordinate ‘

‘How I forgot it! Thanks for reminding boss!
I will prepare a demand notice for the payment
Of my salary, with interest plus annual increment, bonus , cash for not availing any leave including maternity leave and other dues from you with compound Interest for forty years four months and eight days’

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‘God gave me beauty and budhi. He gave you Asooya and kubudhi. You—-‘

‘You are struggling to get words, SP. Refer a dictionary and come. I will wait here’

‘Ammalu, I have certain problems in life. I don’t like to discuss with you as there in no meaning in doing so. Wondering where to find an educated, intelligent woman to share my problems’

‘Advertise in the Matrimonial!’
————————

‘You have a bad habit of peeping into my bedroom at night. I don’t like it. You think I’m writing love letters to my friends?’

‘Reading!’

——–

Ammalu, from one side you look like my mother and from the other side, like my elder sister’

‘You’ll never come out of the habit of looking women through a corner of your eyes!’

——–

‘So late for my second coffee, old lady?’

‘Young man, this coffee is for me. I saw you rushing to kitchen and making coffee, when I went to the gate to buy vegetables’

‘You have eyes at your back too, Ammalu?’

‘I have eyes all over my body, when it comes to watch your movements’

Cartoon courtesy Ramki, Chennai

‘My father never used to do this job of slaves- carrying umbrella for his wife!’

‘I agree. He was the master of the house’

‘What? If not me, are you the master of our house?’

‘Mistress is the correct usage, SP!’

‘What? Have I to learn the fundamentals of English grammar from you?’

‘Hold the umbrella properly please’

‘What is there to smile mischievously Ammalu? I’m carrying the umbrella for me and not for you’

‘While holding the umbrella for you during the Kasi yatra, my naughty brother advised me, ‘ ensure that SP holds umbrella 🌂 for you throught your life’

Cartoon courtesy. Ramki, Chennai